Closure: Memories of Ron

When we experience significant events in our life and the situation - whatever it is - comes to an end, there is some kind of closure needed.  Sometimes we get that closure right away. And sometimes when you think you've had your closure, later in life it comes back at you and you need to find your closure again. 

For years, I have hung on to a lost love.  Not openly there, but the memory has lingered on for years and years.  Probably because there wasn't closure.  Ron was 10 years older than me.  We met through work, and there was instant everything between us.  Unfortunately, the timing was very bad - I was engaged to be married when we met.  Through a huge family drama issue, I attempted to call off the engagement and the wedding.  But the bottom line is I didn't have the heart, the guts, the right stuff to cause that much hurt to my parents and my future in-laws. 

I was torn, tugged in many directions, but when it came to the bottom line, I couldn't walk away from them, so I walked away from Ron.  He and I were both hurting over it. And while a wedding should be a joyous occasion, I was going through the motions because it was expected of me.  The hardest part was having to see Ron every day at work, to feel the pain of his anger, and my own stinging emotions because I couldn't be true to myself.

As time passes and we move on with our lives, the hurts move them to a different place and in our normal busy-ness, we think about them less often.  It doesn't mean they aren't there, they just aren't as visible. It's like putting a sweater in the closet.  It's there if you took the time to look for it, but most of the time you don't need it in the here and now.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and Ron has come to mind over and over again.  I thought writing down the details, the feelings, would help me gain some closure, but it got me all worked up again.  I wish now that I had made the time to explore that relationship, had stood up to family when I knew in my heart I wasn't ready to be married.  Thank goodness for the internet!  It took me about an hour to discover that he'd left our home town and moved to another state.  From the looks of it, he married and had children, and possibly divorced after that.  I was able to sneak a peek at some photos (oops, I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself!!) 

There was his face.  A face I was very familiar with.  The years didn't change what I'd remembered about him.  Such a handsome man!  And he has daughters.  They look like him.  I stared at his face for a long time and remembered all we shared.  It caused me a bit of painful sadness and I barely slept all night.  Would I dare message him? What would I say? What could I say? 

I knew in my heart that he would move on.  I sometimes have wondered if he even remembered me, let alone think of me from time to time.  And I came to the conclusion that I think it's better to let things be, no need to stir up something from so long ago (40+ years!!)   He appears to have a good life, good things going for him. 

So here's my closure, I'm putting these memories at rest.  I wrote in my journal about our relationship, and my feelings, and putting them into words has helped a lot. 

Ronnie:  If you ever come across this, feel free to message me, I'd love to catch up!