Closure: Memories of Ron

When we experience significant events in our life and the situation - whatever it is - comes to an end, there is some kind of closure needed.  Sometimes we get that closure right away. And sometimes when you think you've had your closure, later in life it comes back at you and you need to find your closure again. 

For years, I have hung on to a lost love.  Not openly there, but the memory has lingered on for years and years.  Probably because there wasn't closure.  Ron was 10 years older than me.  We met through work, and there was instant everything between us.  Unfortunately, the timing was very bad - I was engaged to be married when we met.  Through a huge family drama issue, I attempted to call off the engagement and the wedding.  But the bottom line is I didn't have the heart, the guts, the right stuff to cause that much hurt to my parents and my future in-laws. 

I was torn, tugged in many directions, but when it came to the bottom line, I couldn't walk away from them, so I walked away from Ron.  He and I were both hurting over it. And while a wedding should be a joyous occasion, I was going through the motions because it was expected of me.  The hardest part was having to see Ron every day at work, to feel the pain of his anger, and my own stinging emotions because I couldn't be true to myself.

As time passes and we move on with our lives, the hurts move them to a different place and in our normal busy-ness, we think about them less often.  It doesn't mean they aren't there, they just aren't as visible. It's like putting a sweater in the closet.  It's there if you took the time to look for it, but most of the time you don't need it in the here and now.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and Ron has come to mind over and over again.  I thought writing down the details, the feelings, would help me gain some closure, but it got me all worked up again.  I wish now that I had made the time to explore that relationship, had stood up to family when I knew in my heart I wasn't ready to be married.  Thank goodness for the internet!  It took me about an hour to discover that he'd left our home town and moved to another state.  From the looks of it, he married and had children, and possibly divorced after that.  I was able to sneak a peek at some photos (oops, I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself!!) 

There was his face.  A face I was very familiar with.  The years didn't change what I'd remembered about him.  Such a handsome man!  And he has daughters.  They look like him.  I stared at his face for a long time and remembered all we shared.  It caused me a bit of painful sadness and I barely slept all night.  Would I dare message him? What would I say? What could I say? 

I knew in my heart that he would move on.  I sometimes have wondered if he even remembered me, let alone think of me from time to time.  And I came to the conclusion that I think it's better to let things be, no need to stir up something from so long ago (40+ years!!)   He appears to have a good life, good things going for him. 

So here's my closure, I'm putting these memories at rest.  I wrote in my journal about our relationship, and my feelings, and putting them into words has helped a lot. 

Ronnie:  If you ever come across this, feel free to message me, I'd love to catch up!

Fall & Old Loves

Fall is coming soon to the Valley of the Sun.  While it's still over 100's on a daily basis, you can sense there's a change in the weather about to happen.   And as I get older, I find myself wanting to know about the people who meant a lot to me when I was a lot younger.  People who influenced me in a big way when I was still trying to find my own identity.  One of those people is a guy named Ron Parker.

When I was 19-20 years old, I worked for a forklift dealership, back in the service department.  I would take calls from customers and dispatch a mechanic over to fix their forklift.  It was a job that took a lot of time management, and I was really good at it.  (Besides, what better job for a young female than a job telling ten men where to go and what to do ????)  I took a few lumps and hard knocks from a few of them, but I earned their respect, and most of them treated me like a little sister.  They watched out for me if we stopped for drinks after work, made sure I was OK to drive home, listened when life seemed unfair.  Except Ron.  He was different.  Long and lanky, he had a quick smile and great eyes.  He was pretty handy with a wrench, too!    I was hooked, fell hard.  But I was engaged to my high school sweetheart.  (Which is another weird and winding story...)

I was young and inexperienced in the ways of other men, having known only my high school sweetheart.  I was raised old fashioned and since he was my first, I knew I was supposed to stay .... and then I met Ron.  He was many things my fiance wasn't.  And when I was with him, I felt important, that what I had to say mattered, that my knowledge and my common sense didn't have to be hidden, because he was just as smart and had just as much common sense.  It's hard to put it all into words because so many years have passed, but he was just so much more than my fiance.

We started hanging out together, enjoying a few beers with the guys after work.   It became a weekly ritual and needless to say, I wasn't fit to drive one night.  I went home with Ron.  He didn't take advantage of me, he just took care of me, let me sleep it off.  Without having to add any high school style commentary, or rude jokes.

We became close, and I was sure it was love.  And more than that.  Because we were friends on equal footing.  And that seemed important.  I started hanging out at his house, he took me to meet his parents.  No one pushed, even though it was obvious that I had an important decision to make:  Ron or Fiance.   And I wanted Ron.  So I told my parents, who went through the roof because wedding plans were already in place.  They had me in counseling with the family pastor immediately.  Oddly enough, he agreed that if I had this many doubts, I probably shouldn't get married.  But my parents were good with the guilt, and I walked down that aisle, looking over my shoulder every chance I could get, wondering if Ron would be there "like a knight in shining armor" ready to take me away from the place I didn't really want to be.

As I look back on all that now, I don't recall much of my wedding at all.  And Ron is the reason why.   But he had too much respect for me as a person to choose for me; he knew I needed to choose for myself.   In the end, I couldn't go against my parents' wishes.

But here is it, fall again, and I find myself thinking of him, because I enjoyed our time together in September into November.

I wonder what became of his life, did he marry or have kids?
has he been happy?  Is he still in California?
.Does he ever think about me?

Maybe some day, I'll have my answers.