Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I'd like to believe, but its more like lust at first sight.  When you're meeting a new person, are you instantly attracted to something in partucular?  I tend to notice eyes and hands.

There would probably be all kinds of opinions on Google or in magazines. But does their opinion mean more than our own?  

My first real crush at first sight was when I was 8. Mikey lived next door.  We became fast friends and he was my first kiss behind the pine tree in our backyard! 

After that, I had a few crushes along the way, but I was a chubby nerd who loved reading and being alone.  I married three times, each time I was convinced it was love, sometimes love at first sight. But looking back, I'm not sure I knew what real love looked like. And I'm still not sure.

Love and lust are sometimes mistaken. I have learned over time that it isn't about looks, and it isn't easy to truly love someone. That usually comes from time spent exchanging ideas through conversation and having similar goals for a good life. 

Not including marriages, I fell in love two other times.  Both were built on many conversations, and wanting the same things in life.  

One happened a few months before I was first married. He was older than me, but that didn't matter.  Our history .... well let's just say that I hoped he would be the knight in shining armor who would rescue me.  I realized later in life that we each need to rescue ourselves.

The second was instant friendship and nearly love at first sight. We had so much in common, but our life paths seemed impossible to change at the time and we drifted apart.

Love is a many splendored thing.  That was a catch phrase in the late 60s, but love is definitely hard to define. It is different for each of us. 

I hope you find yours!

Happy 10-4

Dear R:  this is posted a little late, but I just couldn't write earlier. I wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday.

I've often wondered what I would say to you if I ever got the courage to write. Or what I'd say if I ever saw you on the street.  That was often my motivation when visiting the folks and wandering around town ... eyes searching every face.

I have major regrets for the way things happened between us, the way I treated you, the way I didn't have the courage to do what I wanted to do.  I felt like my hands were tied by family and how I thought I should live up to expectations.

What I finally realized after 20 years was that being tied by family strings was an impossible way to live.  So I left Cali and moved to Ohio in 1998.  Not my best decision in the man, but it was terrific for my kids. I don't regret that part.  I ended up in Arizona in 2008 when things didn't work out. 

Every year I remember you. Us.  4th St Bowl. Visiting your place and finding motorcycle pieces in the kitchen. Meeting your parents. Coffee at Dennys.  I usually write a birthday greeting, tear it up and toss it to the winds (yes I know, shame on me for littering) but its a small note.  This year I opted for this format. 

And sometimes I torment myself with the thoughts that you probably don't remember me. Us.  And maybe that's for the best.  Doesn't mean I don't wish you the best. I do.  Always.  Happy Birthday, with love.

On Being a Teen

It was 1978, and I was engaged to be married.  But I was only 19, and had doubts about starting a marriage before I had even found myself.  That sounds like a cliche, but I was very unsure.  Or maybe it was the man I was unsure about. 

As a kid, I was always serious and driven. Work before play and all that was how I was raised.  He was raised much different. Part of his appeal for me was just that, no anchor, no direction, free to do as he wanted.  In hindsight, I can see that lifestyle might have looked good, but didn't work for me.

So I dated an older man .... and I was torn. I spent as much time as I could with him, and I was in love. And hurting. On a whim, he and I visited his parents... wise and friendly folks willing to talk. I was so at home with them, we stayed and watched TV. Turns out, Helter Skelter was being televised.  For some reason, every time I see a blurb about the movie, I go back to thinking about Ron and his parents, and a lost love.

In the end, after telling my folks I didn't want to get married, they had me counseled by their Pastor, by relatives, and in the end I felt so guilty about the pain they were feeling that I ended up going through with the marriage.

There's a secret part of me that remembers walking down that aisle wishing Ron would rescue me like a knight in shining armor, but that only happens in fairy tales. 

Maybe times are better now, more communication toward young girls, more accepting of situations, or choices. I wouldn't want to be a teen again, things are too different.  

But I still have those feelings, those memories, from time to time.  It reminded me yet again when I saw an ad for Helter Skelter.  Guess Ron is my guy who got away.