Heart and Soul

Heart and soul, I fell in love with you Heart and soul......

"Heart and Soul" is a popular song, with music by Hoagy Carmichael and lyrics by Frank Loesser, published in 1938.   That's a long time ago!  And yet, the words and lyrics are still so very catchy, people everywhere recognize it in an instant.  It's the same with the song "Lover's Concerto".  Kids in the 50s thought it was done by The Toys, but the melody is taken from Bach's Minuet in G Major. 

I watched an episode of Frasier tonight where Frasier talks with Niles about his crush on Daphne, how he holds an image of her in his mind, which doesn't ring true to reality.  And I got to thinking.  Because I've done the same thing.

And I've done it more than once, probably, since we're prone to having the same kind of issues relationship to relationship.  This last one was a doozy and has taken me a long time to get out of my system.  Why?  Because I held him as an image in my mind, of something I wanted him to be and that caused me to miss the signals of who he really is.  And that true him isn't someone I could ever be with. 

But I still can't get past the part of him that made me feel good about myself.  Probably because of his inability to be free to do things, our relationship became about becoming friends.  I read somewhere that there are two types of love:  Romantic Love and Companionate Love. It's the second one I want, the second one that I need.  All that romance crap, that's for the young people in the world.  

I guess I wanted a best friend so much that I overlooked all the other signals in order to keep the parts that I wanted.  Shame on me.  But admission and recognition of these facts go a long way toward healing the things that are broken in me.   

Which will relate to the POF dating site I am on.  While I would still like to find that companion in my life... I'm not sure I'm willing to give up my life as it is in order to make room for someone who will bring baggage of their own to the mix.

It's a scary thing, these relationships. 
But the most important one, is the one we have with our self.  

Waiting. Sort Of.

After enjoying the concert last night, I found myself ruminating about things I observed, and compared them to my own life.  (I'm never happy with myself when I do this, but I find myself doing it from time to time.)  As I sat looking out over the lake, the band, the crowds, it was hard not to observe the things that I miss the most:  a couple holding hands, sharing a smile with someone special, making memories.  I've always said that its the little things that make life wonderful.   Sometimes its hard when you choose to live a certain lifestyle choices that doesn't fit in with how "society" or the media deems is best for people. But its plain to see that the world revolves around people who are a "couple".

Since I don't know who reads this, or not, I sometimes wonder if its OK to bare my soul here.  I start to, then I erase some things, because frankly some things have no business being aired.  But watching the world coupled up brings up so many of those feelings about how the world is supposed to work.  There are days, and even more nights, when I long to have some one there to kiss goodnight, to hold my hand, to give me a hug when I need one.  But that means sharing other things as well, and I'm not certain I'm willing to give up the closet space.  *laughs*

Giving up on a dream (or is this a fantasy?)  is the hardest thing to do. We tend to hang on to fragments, and don't look at the bigger picture.  But a relationship can't be just fragments.  A friendship, maybe. But I'm talking about the coupled up kind of relationship. I guess that means companionship with a little bit of stars in your eyes. And yes, eventually I want that special kind of relationship in my own life.  I've been alone so long, though, that I am happy with where I am, what I have, for the most part.  Maybe being attracted to unavailable men has to do with wanting to feel that specialness, without making the commitment.  Makes a little bit of logical sense. 
But since when does romance or love have anything to do with logic?

I can feel myself rambling, as I'm wont to do when emotions are running rampant. 
I'm a good woman,
and the right man
will want to build a life with me. 
In the meantime, I'm here.
Living Life.
and Waiting.
Sort of.