Heart and Soul

Heart and soul, I fell in love with you Heart and soul......

"Heart and Soul" is a popular song, with music by Hoagy Carmichael and lyrics by Frank Loesser, published in 1938.   That's a long time ago!  And yet, the words and lyrics are still so very catchy, people everywhere recognize it in an instant.  It's the same with the song "Lover's Concerto".  Kids in the 50s thought it was done by The Toys, but the melody is taken from Bach's Minuet in G Major. 

I watched an episode of Frasier tonight where Frasier talks with Niles about his crush on Daphne, how he holds an image of her in his mind, which doesn't ring true to reality.  And I got to thinking.  Because I've done the same thing.

And I've done it more than once, probably, since we're prone to having the same kind of issues relationship to relationship.  This last one was a doozy and has taken me a long time to get out of my system.  Why?  Because I held him as an image in my mind, of something I wanted him to be and that caused me to miss the signals of who he really is.  And that true him isn't someone I could ever be with. 

But I still can't get past the part of him that made me feel good about myself.  Probably because of his inability to be free to do things, our relationship became about becoming friends.  I read somewhere that there are two types of love:  Romantic Love and Companionate Love. It's the second one I want, the second one that I need.  All that romance crap, that's for the young people in the world.  

I guess I wanted a best friend so much that I overlooked all the other signals in order to keep the parts that I wanted.  Shame on me.  But admission and recognition of these facts go a long way toward healing the things that are broken in me.   

Which will relate to the POF dating site I am on.  While I would still like to find that companion in my life... I'm not sure I'm willing to give up my life as it is in order to make room for someone who will bring baggage of their own to the mix.

It's a scary thing, these relationships. 
But the most important one, is the one we have with our self.  

Everywhere A Sign

Are you a sign watcher? 
Do you look for signs to guide you?
Is there such a thing as coincidence?
Or is there a much bigger picture than we can see or imagine?

How many times have you ever made note of something, then have that same topic come up in several different ways - and you finally smack your forehead and go "DUH" I should have been paying attention to the sign? 

It's been that way for me lately.  I follow a few different blogs, read my friends' postings on FB, and listen to friends and coworkers with issues.  And I'm coming up with a theme that  rather than preachin' about it back to friends, I outta be listening to myself. 

I'm a unique individual with what I think is a slightly enhanced sixth sense about things.  Or its something else others don't believe in -- but that's neither here nor there.  When something comes up often, I tend to really pay attention and see how it should be applied to me.  And I know deep in my soul that its one I should heed.  But can't seem to do it.  It's not like I haven't tried.

When it comes to breaking a habit, or making a change, even those that are necessary aren't always easy!  Take smoking for example. We all know its bad for you, unhealthy, costly, etc.  For me, quitting wasn't hard, I just decided one day and poof, I was done.  Because you can not have them around you, and you just don't need them any longer.   That was in 1986.  I will confess that every now and then, someone will light up and the smellllllll, mmm, your body remembers.  *sigh*   Its harder with food.  You can't just give up eating.  So you try to make the right choices, have the right foods on hand.  Again, not always easy; you can avoid having those Hershey bars in the house and it's all good.  But you can't quit foods altogether.  You just relearn eating habits and what helps you to feel better. 


But its harder to decipher when relationships aren't healthy any longer.  Because they involve another human, the dynamics can change; one day may seem better than another, and you try to make a choice based on the checks and balances of good and bad.  It's one of the hardest things I've found to teach my kids -- of course, I wasn't such a great example while they were growing up, exposing them to three different marriages.  I've always believed in the best side of people -- when in fact, there are people out there who take advantage of that, who don't try to be their best. 


So at what point do you finally recognize the signs, and realize that while others may be having obvious signs for their own relationships -- that these may be your own signs?   Sometimes relationships need to end.  It's never an easy decision, and everyone will have their reasons.  But consider this:  Whatever the reason, if you're constantly hurt, undermined or let down by this person, you owe it to yourself to walk away.  If you are making excuses to stay with your love, learn to call yourself out on them. It is quite possible that you've fallen into a vicious justificatory cycle that you'll never break free from unless you acknowledge it openly. Realize that being stoic and putting up with a bad situation will only end in faster aging, resentment and feeling like you're putting up with second best

Life needs to be lived.  And its impossible to live a good life if you're not happy.
While often hard, walking away from a love that will never work
can sometimes be the best thing you can do for your sanity and future well being.
And don't stop reading those signs! 

Relationships aren't easy

Here I am, over 50 and single.  And I've been thinking lately about men, relationships and what, if anything, I'm looking for.  And that's not easy!  You can't define a person, put them in a box, and expect them to be that person always.  But you should always be aware of the traits that are necessary in another person for you (such as honesty) and the ones that are deal breakers (like smoking).   And once you know a few of them, don't waste time on those who don't fit within your basics -- because you can't change a person!

Why all the thoughts?  Well, a lot of reasons.  First, my son is convinced he's in love and moving out of my house and in with a woman.  And being a mom, we always worry about our kids and want them to be happy.   I'm not confident this will be a good thing, but it will be a life lesson for him either way.  We were out grocery shopping, and doing some price comparisons (because living on your own means shopping wisely with your limited money!) and he commented about how hard it is.  And he just doesn't seem happy or excited about the prospect of moving.  Me, when I got it in my head to move, was always packing early, being prepared, but he's not doing any of that.  hehehe We shall see.


Then when I talked with Mom on Thursday, the news she gave me was my sister, who's a month away from her 25th wedding anniv is separated from her hubby and they're gonna do the big "D".  Always a hard thing after so many years, but as I told mom, everyone deserves to be happy.

The last reason has to do with someone who asked me if they had a chance at having a real date with them.  The problem is he's as young as my kids.  And so far, finding topics of common interest hasn't been easy.  I know relationships take work, but conversation shouldn't always be an effort.  So I'm supposing since companionship and convos are two of my 'key elements' I guess I'd have to say no.  

I'm chuckling, because on the dating front, when my daughter was here, we were joking about getting married and such and she was adamant ... "No waaay are you ever getting married again, Mom!"  I was shocked that she was emphatic about it, but had to agree with her -- I don't see myself as getting married again.  (We all know that can change if the right person comes into our life!) 

Here's a thought I found about relationships, with some humor :

“Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80%of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”   --Andy Rooney

Doors and Windows

I don't know how it works for you, but there are facets of life that continue to astound me.  I've spoke often about synchronicity and the timing of events.  Someone used the phrase "a door closes, a window opens" in a conversation .... and I got to wondering.  Cliches and sayings are usually based on some point of truth.   This phrase could also be linked to "things happen for a reason".  

When a door closes, sometimes we don't understand why.  Or we get mired down in the 'door closing' event, feeling hurt, wanting to hide, that it can be difficult to see anything else.  When a big change comes along, and you feel like that door slammed in your face, how we react to that will have a big impact on what's coming our way next. If we get too bogged down in our thinking, or our feelings, we might miss that new window of opportunity.

When it comes to relationships, if you're the one hurt by someone, its natural to want to hide for a while, and if you're like me, examine the why's and what happened's.  We all need to take a little bit of time for doing that, its how we learn, grow and cope.  But always keep your eye to the window that may open.  

I don't consider myself very good at relationships.  I've struggled in the past, and have yet to understand the reasons for the way things have happened.  But I struggle on and do my best.  When the truths finally emerged recently in a relationship, I was devastated.  It's been a struggle to do new things, go new places, make changes in my routine, in my life.  And frankly, so easy to slip back into old habits and routines.  (Thanks Mr. OR for all your help with that!)

But windows seem to be cracking open again.  The high five from Trainer Sean at 24Hour, a little friendly bantering at work.  And now, out of the blue, an email from someone who likes some posted pictures and the comments I'd written.  I didn't put much into it ... I truly enjoy getting comments and emails from readers .. and I replied, answering the questions asked.  Imagine my surprise when I received several more emails and queries  (Thanks Mr. Jim!) 

Is this a window opening?

It sure makes me wonder ............. and smile.