Too Much Control

How much is too much control in a relationship??  I have a great granddaughter, and she's adorable!  But I haven't been to see her yet.  There's a possible problem niggling at my brain.

My granddaughter, Miss B, is hearing impaired, and struggled with social aspects in school.  This can create problems when forging relationships,  especially with men.  For 3+ years, she has dated a young man who is also hearing impaired.  Their bond was cute. At first.

Over time, there have been little incidents that have caused me to wonder about this relationship.  Miss B was always smart and independent.  But once they hooked up, she has "lost"  6 phones.  We all know how easy they are to misplace. But for a hearing impaired person, their phone is a lifeline and it isn't often lost.  

Without either of them having a job, they moved in together and got 3 puppies.  (Yeah, I know, irresponsible!!!)  But again for her, her hearing aids are a lifeline, she doesn't leave them around for the dogs to chew.  She went without them for months, and when she visited us, she couldn't have conversations with us without them.

So here's the problem niggling at me.  Is he a controlling bastard who is doing things to make her dependent on him alone??  Does he "help" her lose phones?  Did he "knock" her hearing aid off a table while she slept??   Since they started dating, I haven't had a one on one talk with her and we were close before that.  I chalked it up to being a teenager.  But now I'm wondering. 

We are trying to arrange a visit there next weekend, but we're waiting on "permission".  Hmm.  More on this soon.

FWB's

OK.  Friends with Benefits.  Is there a definition of that?  How does it work?  and with whom??

Urban Dictionary says this:  Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.

That being said .... here's my story (and I'm sticking to it!)  About six years ago, I found and met up with a man from the internet.  As is always the case with me, we met in daylight, in a public place.  Sorry guys, that's my rules.   We met in a park, took a walk around the park, and attempted to get to know each other.  He'd been in the service, he was recently divorced, and he wasn't looking for any kind of commitment.  I'm sure his thoughts were along the lines that now he was free, he was gonna play the field!

For me, that just doesn't work.  I'm not wired that way, have never been wired that way, and when I tried it a few years back ..... nope, nu uh, I felt cheap and used.  But that's my own issue in my own head, I'm sure.
So, about two years ago, I got a text from this guy.... "Looking for FWB yet?"  Made me chuckle, but I sent back "sorry ..... no".   On Monday, another two years down the road, I got another text ... "Hello Linda.  Your name is in my phone ... have we met?"  First off,  I must not have made much of an impression that he doesn't remember me.  However, it must have been enough of one to keep my number in his phone all this time!!  hah hah   We sent texts back and forth, a little flirting before the big question:  "Looking for FWB?"

I understand now why we never hooked up in the past.  You can't be Friends with Benefits if you're not friends first.  Why do men assume they get the "benefits" without taking time to become friends????

Found this, it summed it up for me.
Gotta be some sort of feelings there first.
I'm not looking for marriage, or forever after,
but there's gotta be some kind of substance.
Who's with me on that???

All Wrong

2:30 am and I'm awake.  Maybe I pushed too hard yesterday; I had to take some aspirin for the aches and pains. and the headache.  I woke up from having a bad dream.  Something about a college, my brother knowing the direction.  He needed to pick me up, as there was an earthquake or something.  Several men were on really tall ladders trimming palm trees.  When the ladders tipped, they fell to their deaths.  (ugh, I really hate dreams like that) I recall waiting for my brother, walking around some fountain or statue or fountain with a statue.  And needing to use the rest room.  Who can ever figure these crazy dreams out?  When I woke up, yep, I dashed into the bathroom.  What part is the real and what part is fantasy? or something from our subconscious?  crazy dreams!

I sure could use a quick massage right now.... I really miss having someone sharing life.  someone who's there for me, and someone I can be there for.  Amd maybe I wanted that kind of closeness so much that I imagined I had that - on an intellectual and emotional level even though it wasn't on the physical level.  Maybe my mind let me believe in things that weren't real because of that.  Maybe that's why I allowed the little warning signals, the sense of something not adding up -- because I wanted the other part so badly.  Or maybe I was brought up to believe that people are like my parents:  they would never lie, or do anything to hurt the other.  What they have between them is amazing, and I have always wanted that for myself.  

Sometimes I look back and I know they said I was too young when I married the first time.  Turns out years later, they weren't so keen on my choice.  Isn't it funny what you learn years later?  My second was more suited to me - he was smart, a hard worker, and always on the go.  Never knew the true reason it began falling apart, never got any real answers.  When I found out he cheated, and lied about it, even after I knew that I knew that I knew, I stayed with him for nine months, trying to work on it.  But it takes two to work on it, and we never got past the entire affair thing.  Turns out while I thought we were working on it, he flew a woman out from the east coast and took her on a week long trip up the calif coast.   

I discovered it while he was gone - I needed to get something from his work vehicle, and found his briefcase unlocked.  Inside, a woman's bra, a picture and a note.  I was livid.  But only because I'd wasted nine months of "working on it" when obviously he had no intentions of doing that!  I chuckle now at the memory.  I guess he expected he'd covered his tracks pretty well and assumed I would keep the household running while he was gone on this trip to pickup up  few things from his aunt, after his father and grandmother had died three months earlier.  But, surprise surprise, I didn't grocery shop, I didn't do his laundry, I didn't clean the house.  Instead what I did was move a mattress into the dining room, and my things out of the bedroom we shared.  The way the house was laid out, there was a door between the kitchen and dining room, and the staircase to upstairs was off the kitchen.  So it was possible to close off "his half" of the house and have a little privacy away from him.  When he arrived home late and hungry on a Sunday night, he wasn't happy about having nothing to eat, no dinner cooked, and no laundry done - and he had work the next day.  I could hear him muttering to himself as he tromped up and down the stairs to do laundry well past midnight.  And by that point, I didn't care.  Why should I ?  He lied, he cheated and still expected me to do what I refer to as wifely chores?  Bah!  I was moved out in less than 30 days.

Yeah, that's a shortened version of the entire fiasco, but maybe I need to take a lesson from that.  Maybe I trust people (men) too much?  But do I want to be the other way ??  A person who is so non-trusting that you can't ever get close to a person?  I've been that a time or two.  After you've been hurt by someone you thought you loved, you thought loved you, its natural to close off your heart, to not let yourself be vulnerable, to ever be hurt again.  But closing yourself off also means that you don't get the joys of sharing with another, of having laughs and good conversation.

And maybe that's why after almost eight years, I let myself believe it was possible again, let myself believe in someone, believe in that spark of something when you let your guard down, become vulnerable, share your self, your interests, your thoughts and feelings.  And maybe I wanted that so much that I let myself believe that for me he was right. beautiful. honest. loving. committed.

I hate being wrong.

Rhetorical Question re: Men

Why do men think a bigger hammer, or hitting it harder, is the answer???

I have a cedar chest.  Back in my day we called it a hope chest.  It was a graduation gift, and something I could put things into for my future home.  (yeah, it was a 70s thing!).  and on the bottom, it has little metal nubs to help it glide across carpeted floors when you need to move it.  Needless to say, the metal leaves marks on my tile floors here in the Valley of the Sun, so I wanted to replace them with little plastic ones.  Of course, my son's helping me.  And I hand him the little glide and my small hammer.  He starts hammering, but the small head of the hammer, and his hard hitting makes the nail bend.   So the solution?  Get a bigger hammer and hit it harder when he goes to drive the next one in.  

The poor plastic glide didn't survive.

So it's off to the hardware store to get another set of plastic glides.

Which I will hammer in myself.

With my little hammer.

And softer touch.

*smirk*

Waiting. Sort Of.

After enjoying the concert last night, I found myself ruminating about things I observed, and compared them to my own life.  (I'm never happy with myself when I do this, but I find myself doing it from time to time.)  As I sat looking out over the lake, the band, the crowds, it was hard not to observe the things that I miss the most:  a couple holding hands, sharing a smile with someone special, making memories.  I've always said that its the little things that make life wonderful.   Sometimes its hard when you choose to live a certain lifestyle choices that doesn't fit in with how "society" or the media deems is best for people. But its plain to see that the world revolves around people who are a "couple".

Since I don't know who reads this, or not, I sometimes wonder if its OK to bare my soul here.  I start to, then I erase some things, because frankly some things have no business being aired.  But watching the world coupled up brings up so many of those feelings about how the world is supposed to work.  There are days, and even more nights, when I long to have some one there to kiss goodnight, to hold my hand, to give me a hug when I need one.  But that means sharing other things as well, and I'm not certain I'm willing to give up the closet space.  *laughs*

Giving up on a dream (or is this a fantasy?)  is the hardest thing to do. We tend to hang on to fragments, and don't look at the bigger picture.  But a relationship can't be just fragments.  A friendship, maybe. But I'm talking about the coupled up kind of relationship. I guess that means companionship with a little bit of stars in your eyes. And yes, eventually I want that special kind of relationship in my own life.  I've been alone so long, though, that I am happy with where I am, what I have, for the most part.  Maybe being attracted to unavailable men has to do with wanting to feel that specialness, without making the commitment.  Makes a little bit of logical sense. 
But since when does romance or love have anything to do with logic?

I can feel myself rambling, as I'm wont to do when emotions are running rampant. 
I'm a good woman,
and the right man
will want to build a life with me. 
In the meantime, I'm here.
Living Life.
and Waiting.
Sort of.