Goals and Happiness

 Memorial Day is set aside for us to remember those who served, who fought for our freedoms, who fought to keep us safe, and for those who still fight for those same things. 

But there are also other things to remember as well.  For me, as I get older, I tend to spend time reminiscing about the things that brought me happiness through the years.  My granddaughter's graduation reminded me of my own, of all the hopes and dreams a young person of 18 has for their adult life.  

As you look back, do you feel you accomplished all you dreamed of??  I know that my own aspirations were loftier than what has been the reality.  But that hasn't made me any less happy.  Life will always be full of challenges and changes.  It's how we react to those things that makes us who we are, and ultimately brings us the happiness we seek.  

I've met people who have happiness as an end goal:  as soon as I get this job, I'll be happy.  As soon as I get married or have a family, I'll be happy.  As soon as I'm out of debt, I'll be happy.  The 'trick' to finding that happiness doesn't come when we reach a goal.  It's the little things in our daily lives.  They happen every day, and you must pay attention to those little things to experience that happiness.  

Yesterday on the way to work, I saw an old GMC pickup from the 30's or 40's; the paint was a bit rusty, it wasn't all decked out to look new. It showed it's age and it brought a huge smile to my face.  (I enjoy looking at old cars!)  Two days ago, on my drive home from work, I saw a man riding a horse down the street (on the sidewalk) and that made me smile as well.  If I had been concentrating on my job goals, or my life goals, I might have missed those little moments of joy.  Don't let the big things get in the way of little moments of happiness!

                                                 

Some Days

Dear Brian,

These past months haven't been easy for me.  I know you chose your own way, but that was only easy in the moment.  In the long haul ... it isn't. 

Each decision is a struggle.  I pick up something and think:  Have I used this in a year?  Do I think I will need this in the future?  And then there's the whole other part of it:  Does this bring to mind any important memories?   Sometimes I just shake my head, unable to make a decision, and put the item down, knowing that I'll have to, or need to, deal with it in the future at some point.

I've been working on the backyard, trying to make it less work-y and more self sustaining.  I've gotten rid of several of the things growing in pots.  Last week, the tub of charcoal and old planting soil was tossed.  This week, the BBQ is gone. I haven't used it since you moved out.  I don't foresee myself firing up coals and stuff to cook a couple of burgers for myself.  It's just too much trouble for one person.  I'm debating the fire pit.  I didn't use it last year but once.  Maybe this year I will make the effort to use it more.  We'll see.

Sometimes I just sit in your bedroom and look around.  There are a few things that probably should be changed, but not yet.  There's a John Deere tractor that Grandpa gave you; I'm thinking of giving that to Zane.  Something from his great grandfather, in a way.  I'm giving him the Dr Seuss books that no one has ever read at my house.  I had a few for when Brianna was a baby, but she moved to AZ while we were still in Ohio, so that didn't happen. 



It's funny, the way we see
our future mapped out
versus what really happens.

You know what they say: 
If you want to make God laugh,
tell him your plans .....


Every day, I struggle with the grief of
losing you.  I know that it will be with
me always, and that's hard to take
some days.





Glitter reminds me of when I was making vases for Tanya's wedding.
I swear, I was finding glitter in odd little corners for years after!

I know that I will feel, experience grief for a long, long time.
Some days I have moments where it doesn't weigh me down.
Some days I have moments where it does.
Some days I let myself cry it out.
Some days I sit in your room and remember everything about you.
Some days I wonder if I can leave this house.
Some days I wonder if I will leave this house.
Some days I wonder what you're doing, and if you're watching over us.
Other days I don't have to wonder.

Missing you always.
Mom

Torch Cactus

Here it is, Friday night.  After a very full work week, I'm ready to settle in and ...... settle.

Dinner and a little bit of photo editing; a cool drink on the patio while reading a good story .....
it doesn't get much better than that for me!

But it reminds me as I write this that my focus should be on those little moments that make me feel good; to be able to put the job aside and stop thinking about it.  Some days I succeed better than others. 

When work is going very rough, I'm the kind who mulls things over every which way, trying to find a solution that works for me, and for the company, in all our best interests.  But the head honchos at the home office location are creating changes that are out of my control, and I don't feel an integral part of the overall picture, but more like a cog in a machine whose parts are wearing out.  So I've set my mind to arriving on time, doing what needs doing as best I can, then leaving it all behind when it's time to head home.

I'm hoping to get out and give my new camera a go out on the road ... who knows where, but outside my own backyard!   In the meantime, here's another to share with you.  This gorgeous torch cactus blooms every year on Mother's Day.  The blooms were huge and abundant this year!

FWB's

OK.  Friends with Benefits.  Is there a definition of that?  How does it work?  and with whom??

Urban Dictionary says this:  Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.

That being said .... here's my story (and I'm sticking to it!)  About six years ago, I found and met up with a man from the internet.  As is always the case with me, we met in daylight, in a public place.  Sorry guys, that's my rules.   We met in a park, took a walk around the park, and attempted to get to know each other.  He'd been in the service, he was recently divorced, and he wasn't looking for any kind of commitment.  I'm sure his thoughts were along the lines that now he was free, he was gonna play the field!

For me, that just doesn't work.  I'm not wired that way, have never been wired that way, and when I tried it a few years back ..... nope, nu uh, I felt cheap and used.  But that's my own issue in my own head, I'm sure.
So, about two years ago, I got a text from this guy.... "Looking for FWB yet?"  Made me chuckle, but I sent back "sorry ..... no".   On Monday, another two years down the road, I got another text ... "Hello Linda.  Your name is in my phone ... have we met?"  First off,  I must not have made much of an impression that he doesn't remember me.  However, it must have been enough of one to keep my number in his phone all this time!!  hah hah   We sent texts back and forth, a little flirting before the big question:  "Looking for FWB?"

I understand now why we never hooked up in the past.  You can't be Friends with Benefits if you're not friends first.  Why do men assume they get the "benefits" without taking time to become friends????

Found this, it summed it up for me.
Gotta be some sort of feelings there first.
I'm not looking for marriage, or forever after,
but there's gotta be some kind of substance.
Who's with me on that???

Moments

Every now and then
I have these moments
moments of clarity
moments of fear
moments when I'm not sure
which end is up.

moments of joy
moments of regret
moments without hope and
I want to give up.


moments of the blues
moments of depression
moments of hating the waiting
for someday to happen.

moments of love
moments of laughter
moments of sharing even the
smallest of tidbits with you.

moments of knowing
you are my future
moments of doubting
you will be my future

moments of knowing
that life must be lived
with or without you.
Life is full of moments.