Some Days

Dear Brian,

These past months haven't been easy for me.  I know you chose your own way, but that was only easy in the moment.  In the long haul ... it isn't. 

Each decision is a struggle.  I pick up something and think:  Have I used this in a year?  Do I think I will need this in the future?  And then there's the whole other part of it:  Does this bring to mind any important memories?   Sometimes I just shake my head, unable to make a decision, and put the item down, knowing that I'll have to, or need to, deal with it in the future at some point.

I've been working on the backyard, trying to make it less work-y and more self sustaining.  I've gotten rid of several of the things growing in pots.  Last week, the tub of charcoal and old planting soil was tossed.  This week, the BBQ is gone. I haven't used it since you moved out.  I don't foresee myself firing up coals and stuff to cook a couple of burgers for myself.  It's just too much trouble for one person.  I'm debating the fire pit.  I didn't use it last year but once.  Maybe this year I will make the effort to use it more.  We'll see.

Sometimes I just sit in your bedroom and look around.  There are a few things that probably should be changed, but not yet.  There's a John Deere tractor that Grandpa gave you; I'm thinking of giving that to Zane.  Something from his great grandfather, in a way.  I'm giving him the Dr Seuss books that no one has ever read at my house.  I had a few for when Brianna was a baby, but she moved to AZ while we were still in Ohio, so that didn't happen. 



It's funny, the way we see
our future mapped out
versus what really happens.

You know what they say: 
If you want to make God laugh,
tell him your plans .....


Every day, I struggle with the grief of
losing you.  I know that it will be with
me always, and that's hard to take
some days.





Glitter reminds me of when I was making vases for Tanya's wedding.
I swear, I was finding glitter in odd little corners for years after!

I know that I will feel, experience grief for a long, long time.
Some days I have moments where it doesn't weigh me down.
Some days I have moments where it does.
Some days I let myself cry it out.
Some days I sit in your room and remember everything about you.
Some days I wonder if I can leave this house.
Some days I wonder if I will leave this house.
Some days I wonder what you're doing, and if you're watching over us.
Other days I don't have to wonder.

Missing you always.
Mom