Avoiding the Obvious

"Losing a loved to suicide is one is one of life's most painful experiences. The feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness experienced after any death of a loved one are often magnified in suicide survivors by feelings of quilt, confusion, rejection, shame, anger, and the effects of stigma and trauma. Furthermore, survivors of suicide loss are at higher risk of developing major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal behaviors, as well as a prolonged form of grief called complicated grief."     "Individuals most closely related to the deceased are usually those most adversely affected by the death."    --https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Just doing a little research today because I keep wondering if I'm avoiding the obvious.  Am I filling my days at home doing "projects" to keep myself busy so I don't sink into some kind of oblivion?  I found comfort in reading :  "Feelings of anguish and despair may initially seem everpresent but soon they occur predominantly in waves or bursts—the so-called pangs of grief—brought on by concrete reminders of or discussions about the deceased. Once the reality of the loss begins to sink in, over time, the waves become less intense and less frequent."

That's been one of my worries.  That this state of "waves" will always be there.  For most, it seems they dissipate with time -- and probably some measure of acceptance.   "Suicide survivors often face unique challenges that differ from those who have been bereaved by other types of death.  In addition to the inevitable grief, sadness, and disbelief typical of all grief,  overwhelming guilt, confusion, rejection, shame, and anger are also often prominent."   This is totally true.  It's hard enough telling someone that my son died.  It's even harder telling someone that it was death by suicide.  Which leaves feelings that are bottled up, held inside.  And that's not healthy.

The inability to discuss it at all comes from the ultimate unanswerable question:  "What kind of mother doesn't notice their child acting in a way that leads them to choose this?"  I've gone over and over every moment from when he moved back home with me to the morning I waved goodbye to him for the last time ... with no real answer.

I have found some relief in being physical:  morning and afternoon walks, working out in the yard, even cleaning the house helps.  But it's when I sit down, when I take a moment to myself, or when I lay down to sleep that it all comes back.  I've spent more than my share of sleepless nights since then.  My mind busily runs through scenarios -- but nothing changes.  Acceptance is a hard place to find. 

The option of moving to a new city has sprung up. 
But can I leave the house where I have the most memories of my son? 
Right now, that answer is no.
I'm hoping and praying that with time will come acceptance and healing. 
I know the pain and heartache I feel will never totally go away.
But with time, it will be less of a burden.