Avoiding My Thoughts

Good intentions are only good if one follows through with them.  I intended to take a long walk, but cut it shorter than intended.  It's a day of chores - laundry, cleaning, changing bed linen - and yet I struggle with doing things. I realized as I stepped out into the backyard that I seek out small chores, something that can be done quickly, and that I'm avoiding anything that could take too long.

And then I ask myself, "Why?"

The obvious answer is because of the loss of my son.

But is that the only reason?   Sure, it's the main reason, but I'm beginning to think that doing things moves me away from Brian and that's uncomfortable.  I know I felt that way when I was working and rearranging in the back yard.

It's the same feeling I have when I sit down at the computer.  I don't do all the things I used to do, and why am I avoiding them??  It's always been a passion, and an outlet of sorts, but lately .. ugh.  My thought was because it forces me to become aligned with my thoughts.

And I'm avoiding them, it seems.

Too much thinking = too much feeling = sadness and grief.  And it's much easier to allow it to happen in smaller bits or chunks rather than all at once.  Maybe that's not the best way, but it's my way.  My son wanted me to be strong, to be happy, and to carry on.  But it can be overwhelming, knowing that I'll be carrying on alone.   A big reason for buying this house was knowing that he would be around to help me with maintenance and fixing things.


I feel as if I'm carrying around this huge bucket with me all the time.  I know that what's in the bucket is sorrow and grief.  But who knew that it could weigh so much.  Acknowledging all this to myself is another step in the right direction. 

Small steps to alleviate avoiding my thoughts.
one day at a time.

Because God didn't promise days without pain ....