Lazy Gal Feeling Low

I haven't been writing as much as I like, or maybe as much as I need to.  It's not easy to get the computer fired up and commit myself to doing things that, quite frankly, I did on a daily basis .... before.

Right now, most of the things I think about, or do, are placed in the category of "before" and "after".  Which makes me feel very low, but I can't seem to help it. 

Last week, I loaded up a few more things and took them to Goodwill.  I went through everything twice before taking it over.  I wanted to make sure I didn't get rid of anything that had any sort of emotional attachment to it.  But I got it done.  There's now a little more room in the garage.  I wander through the garage, or my son's room, and sometimes a wave of sadness sweeps over me; sometimes it's more a feeling not being able to deal with it and I have to go sit down and watch TV -- something that takes my mind off everything else, allows me to think about anything other than my son being gone.  Sometimes I sit in the chair, half expecting him to walk through the door again.  When that happens, I know that it's going to be a long day. 

The one thing I've noticed is that there are very few people I can talk to about my son.  That makes me really sad.  I understand it.  It makes my mom very sad to think about him.  My brother is very emotional and can't handle it.  My daughter does OK but she's a busy Mom and doesn't always have time.  I find that this blog has been the best outlet for me.  But sometimes I feel like I'm being a broken record -- I realize that my son's death has defined my life and changed things irrevocably.

My motivation is less now, there's only me.  It has changed things. 
And I can feel the difference in me. 

I don't like it much, but I can't change it. 
And I shouldn't have to. 

I go to work to fill my days. 
I come home and take the dog on long walks
to fill my evenings. 
Nights are the longest if I can't sleep.

With any luck, this will shift as I move through the first year of this life changing event.

FWB's

OK.  Friends with Benefits.  Is there a definition of that?  How does it work?  and with whom??

Urban Dictionary says this:  Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.

That being said .... here's my story (and I'm sticking to it!)  About six years ago, I found and met up with a man from the internet.  As is always the case with me, we met in daylight, in a public place.  Sorry guys, that's my rules.   We met in a park, took a walk around the park, and attempted to get to know each other.  He'd been in the service, he was recently divorced, and he wasn't looking for any kind of commitment.  I'm sure his thoughts were along the lines that now he was free, he was gonna play the field!

For me, that just doesn't work.  I'm not wired that way, have never been wired that way, and when I tried it a few years back ..... nope, nu uh, I felt cheap and used.  But that's my own issue in my own head, I'm sure.
So, about two years ago, I got a text from this guy.... "Looking for FWB yet?"  Made me chuckle, but I sent back "sorry ..... no".   On Monday, another two years down the road, I got another text ... "Hello Linda.  Your name is in my phone ... have we met?"  First off,  I must not have made much of an impression that he doesn't remember me.  However, it must have been enough of one to keep my number in his phone all this time!!  hah hah   We sent texts back and forth, a little flirting before the big question:  "Looking for FWB?"

I understand now why we never hooked up in the past.  You can't be Friends with Benefits if you're not friends first.  Why do men assume they get the "benefits" without taking time to become friends????

Found this, it summed it up for me.
Gotta be some sort of feelings there first.
I'm not looking for marriage, or forever after,
but there's gotta be some kind of substance.
Who's with me on that???

Girl Friends

A good friend is a connection to life - 

a tie to the past, 

a road to the future, 

the key to sanity in a totally insane world.  

~Lois Wyse

Thank goodness for Girl Friends!  

When all you want to do is curl up in bed with a gallon of ice cream and hibernate from the world, you can call, and she'll be there for you.

When you're in your car and the tears won't stop, you can call her, she'll be there for you.

When you think your heart is going to burst from the pains, she'll talk you through it.

When you've been MIA for a few days, she'll call you and make sure you're all right.

And when all is said and done, she knows you'd do the same for her.

If you have a friend like this..... let her know how much your friendship means!  

*HUGS*