Tumbling Tumbleweeds

I'm at a low point again.  For days now, my mind keeps wandering to my son, and circumstances, and that's rough on me.  Add to it, I'm on a streak of working six days in a row, today was day 4.  Normally, there are enough of us to cover when one is on vacation, but another member of my team called off sick for two of those days.  Add to it when I had my one day off on Wednesday, the guy who filled in for me .... well, let's just say that he thinks he knows more than he really knows.  Most of my Thursday was spent correcting errors.  *sigh*   It's funny how when things go bad, they really do.

On top of it, I'm trying to work on my health and eating habits in order to drop some weight.  But it's a huge struggle.  When it comes down to it, my days are so jam packed that I don't know where to get the time to do all that needs doing.  I get up and get ready for work each day in less than 30 minutes. Then I have to walk Sadie, that's another 12-15 minutes.  My drive to work is now taking a little over 25 minutes now, because the population here is growing by leaps and bounds. 

After 10 hours at my workplace, I drive another 30 minutes home, sometimes more, because it's "snowbird season".  If I'm lucky, I've cooked over the weekend and just have to warm up a meal of broccoli, brown rice and chicken.  I try to eat peacefully but Sadie has other ideas.  She's been home alone 10+ hours and wants attention.  Sadly, some days I tend to buy her off with treats so I can have a moments' peace.  After dinner, it's dash around and do what chores I can in 15 minutes; I load Sadie into her stroller and off we go for a 30 minute walk.  And yes, I push her in the stroller because without it, we end up doing a sniff and stroll and that does nothing for me and my health.  Home again, it's time to jump in the shower, do all the normal daily ablutions that need to be done and crawl tiredly into bed. 

I don't sleep well at night, and sometimes Sadie needs to get up and go out 3-4 times ... ugh.

Today took the cake, however.  I was strolling along with Sadie down residential streets that are normally quiet.  Because of the driveway humps, I walk in the street.  Some motard was sitting in his car on the wrong side of the street; he pulled out and turned to make a u-turn right in front of me and Sadie.  Adding this little inconsideracy to my bad day and I broke down and cried the rest of the way home. 

I'm tired.
and it occurs to me that maybe I'm close to the last straw.

I don't take the time to do the things that I want to be doing. 
And when or if I get the notion to attempt one thing or another,
after about 5 or 10 minutes, I lose interest.   When I watch TV,
it's old shows that bring comfort:  MASH, Brady Bunch. 
For a long while it was Blue Bloods, but Netflix took that off. 
DVDs are on my Christmas Wish List! ha!

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow ... I'm overdue!

**singing along**  :    I know when night has gone
That a new world's born at dawn!
I'll keep rolling along
Deep in my heart is a song
Here on the range I belong
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds

Lazy Gal Feeling Low

I haven't been writing as much as I like, or maybe as much as I need to.  It's not easy to get the computer fired up and commit myself to doing things that, quite frankly, I did on a daily basis .... before.

Right now, most of the things I think about, or do, are placed in the category of "before" and "after".  Which makes me feel very low, but I can't seem to help it. 

Last week, I loaded up a few more things and took them to Goodwill.  I went through everything twice before taking it over.  I wanted to make sure I didn't get rid of anything that had any sort of emotional attachment to it.  But I got it done.  There's now a little more room in the garage.  I wander through the garage, or my son's room, and sometimes a wave of sadness sweeps over me; sometimes it's more a feeling not being able to deal with it and I have to go sit down and watch TV -- something that takes my mind off everything else, allows me to think about anything other than my son being gone.  Sometimes I sit in the chair, half expecting him to walk through the door again.  When that happens, I know that it's going to be a long day. 

The one thing I've noticed is that there are very few people I can talk to about my son.  That makes me really sad.  I understand it.  It makes my mom very sad to think about him.  My brother is very emotional and can't handle it.  My daughter does OK but she's a busy Mom and doesn't always have time.  I find that this blog has been the best outlet for me.  But sometimes I feel like I'm being a broken record -- I realize that my son's death has defined my life and changed things irrevocably.

My motivation is less now, there's only me.  It has changed things. 
And I can feel the difference in me. 

I don't like it much, but I can't change it. 
And I shouldn't have to. 

I go to work to fill my days. 
I come home and take the dog on long walks
to fill my evenings. 
Nights are the longest if I can't sleep.

With any luck, this will shift as I move through the first year of this life changing event.