Finding Passion

Everyone struggles with issues in life.  I've had my share of struggles, bouts of what I guess you'd call depression because I just lost enthusiasm for most things.  It's not easy to get back into the swing of things, but as long as we keep trying, somehow it will all work out.  

And for the last couple of weeks, I've felt a lot better lately.  I just needed to find something that helps me get past the struggles.  Writing here has been a big help.  But I've also located a photography challenge, a word assigned every day as a topic for a photo.  Sometimes they're easier to consider than other times, but that's the part that I like most.  Something I can think about and then something I can do that makes me feel creative again.

On Forbes, I found "A creative act such as crafting can help focus the mind, and has even been compared to meditation due to its calming effects on the brain and body.  Even just gardening or sewing releases dopamine, a natural anti-depressant.  Creativity reduces anxiety, depression, and stress ... And it can also help you process trauma."

Here's a small sample of the recent challenge words:   Waiting.   Keys.  Six pm.   Road Sign.  While these aren't particularly artsy, it's been fun thinking about something I enjoy doing!   So if you've been feeling a little off, try a little bit of creativity!!! 

Tumbling Tumbleweeds

I'm at a low point again.  For days now, my mind keeps wandering to my son, and circumstances, and that's rough on me.  Add to it, I'm on a streak of working six days in a row, today was day 4.  Normally, there are enough of us to cover when one is on vacation, but another member of my team called off sick for two of those days.  Add to it when I had my one day off on Wednesday, the guy who filled in for me .... well, let's just say that he thinks he knows more than he really knows.  Most of my Thursday was spent correcting errors.  *sigh*   It's funny how when things go bad, they really do.

On top of it, I'm trying to work on my health and eating habits in order to drop some weight.  But it's a huge struggle.  When it comes down to it, my days are so jam packed that I don't know where to get the time to do all that needs doing.  I get up and get ready for work each day in less than 30 minutes. Then I have to walk Sadie, that's another 12-15 minutes.  My drive to work is now taking a little over 25 minutes now, because the population here is growing by leaps and bounds. 

After 10 hours at my workplace, I drive another 30 minutes home, sometimes more, because it's "snowbird season".  If I'm lucky, I've cooked over the weekend and just have to warm up a meal of broccoli, brown rice and chicken.  I try to eat peacefully but Sadie has other ideas.  She's been home alone 10+ hours and wants attention.  Sadly, some days I tend to buy her off with treats so I can have a moments' peace.  After dinner, it's dash around and do what chores I can in 15 minutes; I load Sadie into her stroller and off we go for a 30 minute walk.  And yes, I push her in the stroller because without it, we end up doing a sniff and stroll and that does nothing for me and my health.  Home again, it's time to jump in the shower, do all the normal daily ablutions that need to be done and crawl tiredly into bed. 

I don't sleep well at night, and sometimes Sadie needs to get up and go out 3-4 times ... ugh.

Today took the cake, however.  I was strolling along with Sadie down residential streets that are normally quiet.  Because of the driveway humps, I walk in the street.  Some motard was sitting in his car on the wrong side of the street; he pulled out and turned to make a u-turn right in front of me and Sadie.  Adding this little inconsideracy to my bad day and I broke down and cried the rest of the way home. 

I'm tired.
and it occurs to me that maybe I'm close to the last straw.

I don't take the time to do the things that I want to be doing. 
And when or if I get the notion to attempt one thing or another,
after about 5 or 10 minutes, I lose interest.   When I watch TV,
it's old shows that bring comfort:  MASH, Brady Bunch. 
For a long while it was Blue Bloods, but Netflix took that off. 
DVDs are on my Christmas Wish List! ha!

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow ... I'm overdue!

**singing along**  :    I know when night has gone
That a new world's born at dawn!
I'll keep rolling along
Deep in my heart is a song
Here on the range I belong
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds

Brain-fuzzed

And now it's Wednesday again.  Seems like the only time I have moments to myself are my days off, but they become filled with chores ....

Today was the MVD trip to get my Travel ID.  Actually, it was an awesome experience!  I went in, bypassed the line of folks who were waiting (about 30 of them!) and walked over, scanned my appointment ticket for 8"40am, and looked around to find a seat where I could see the call board.  There wasn't even time to find the board before I heard the woman call my name, and I was "in".  I showed her my documents, she took my picture and $25, and I was all done and out the door at 8:50am!!  After that it was getting groceries, and I was home by 9:40.  Talk about an easy chores day!

But then I flounder with the rest of my day .... to do something physical? to rest? I ended up cooking a meatloaf and eggs for the next few mornings.  Another attempt at creating a healthier lifestyle.  Soon it will be cooler and I can resume walking after work; that should help too.

I started on my photo albums, going to scan the really great pix or the ones with a story behind them, but as I got them out, I realized that I'm missing an entire photo album - the one that covers 1978-1981.  But then again, I have so many that sorting them out isn't easy!  At first, they were all chronological, but then you add in a second marriage and step kids.  When the divorce happens, you start to pull all the photos that ... well, frankly, all those extra photos weren't necessary.  I shipped them off to the oldest sibling of that family to enjoy. 

But I'm still confuzzled about the missing photos! 

I'm hoping they turn up.

I can do this!

Here it is, Tuesday night, thought I'd dash off a post before I hit the sheets.  It was a long rough weekend for me.  I got up Saturday morning and hopped on the scale, thinking all my hard work would have surely paid off!  

But I found myself wondering "How the ^&#$ did I gain 5 Pounds Overnight?"   Talk about depressing!  Grrrrrrr.  Now that it's been 4 days, I was able to be calm and rational while checking some Google info.  I found one website that explained "it's absolutely possible to gain 3, 5 even 10 pounds overnight, but don’t worry! It’s not fat and it’s totally temporary."  Yeah?  Tell that to my panicky brain!   Which caused a huge depression bomb to drop on me.   *sigh*   I fought my way through it without a lot of what I would normally do:  reach for the cookies, the ice cream and the tortilla chips.  (Mainly because I didn't have them in the house!)

Blame it on the Full Moon:  "It has been known since roman times that the moon affects the water content in fruit. Pliny, the Elder, writing in AD 63 stated that it was best to pick fruits on specific days of the month if you wanted them to be plump and juicy.

Modern scientific studies on human urological issues have also backed up this idea showing that our bodies retain different levels of water in relation to the lunar cycle, making us plumper on different days of the month."

Ok, that's a good enough explanation as any, I suppose.  Looking back, I could also blame it on being overtired, lack of sleep  (I was working a few 4am-1pm shifts, putting me completely off schedule).  Maybe there was too much sodium for my body to handle in that extra serving of potato chips.  And just maybe there's an inflammation issue.  My personal trainer is tough and gives me very little slack!  After a workout with him, I'm sore for a few days.  Perhaps there is some inflammation going on that's "behind the scenes" and causing a few issues on my insides.

I just need to keep telling myself these four things:

• Don’t let this temporary gain take you out of your game. 
• Stay focused and positive. 
• Go to the gym to sweat off the extra pounds 
• Drink lots of water to flush out your body.

I can do this!   I did all those things yesterday, and today.  I achieved two goals today:  Broke my current endurance streak and went a full 40 minutes on the ellipitical.  At the same time, I made my 2 miles in 30:32 minutes!   Not as good as I used to be, but much better than I was a month ago!

Progress comes in little steps, when you do them every single day.

Quick Fix-It

Depressed?  Out of Sorts? 
Has your Get-up-and-go got up and went?
Yeah, I know the feeling.

I have been in the midst of fighting this for a while now.  Sometimes I'm more successful than others.  We all have those kinds of days.  Saturday was the worst day for me in a long, long time.  And while I don't have answers for everyone, I can only share what helps me.  Not wanting to let another day pass me by without getting anything accomplished, I took little steps.  The one thing I knew needed to be done was my laundry.  After vacation, its easy to get behind in that, especially when you come home on a Monday and have to work the entire week.  So I set that as a very small goal:  2 loads of laundry; and I got it done.  Having one small accomplishment makes it easier to take the next step.

The one thing that's really clear when you do any kind of research about depression is that most of us forget to take care of ourselves.  We find ourselves so overwhelmed with life and the details of getting through a day, or taking care of others, that we forget that we are important too. 

One of the things I read about mild depression is that eating is a part of it.  Well, I did my share;  with no regard to calories, I let myself indulge in whatever struck my fancy when it came to foods.  I also read that flax seed can help, because of the essential oils in it that helps the brain.  I  might consider looking at that when I shop.

What's my antidote for today?  A shower.  The long kind where you take extra pains with our care.  I shaved, then used a puffyscrub with my fav smelly soap and lathered up all over, head to toe.  Just the smell of something familiar adds a few feel-good vibes.  Washing your hair can feel good too.  Take a few extra minutes to massage your scalp.  Run the water just a little hotter than usual.  When you're done and toweled off, slather on some lotion.  Your skin will thank you.  And its funny, your brain knows you're doing things to take care of YOU and that goes a long way.  But don't stop there.  Fix your hair.  Blow it dry.  Curl it if you're so inclined.  and DO NOT climb into that favorite sweatpants/tshirt outfit.  Put on real clothes. 

I slid into my jeans, one of my new shirts (that isn't navy, and part of my daily "uniform" for work); I even went so far as to put on shoes and socks.  Doing something that's part of your daily routine when you "have to" can change your mindset about getting up and about, off the bed, out of your chair. 

Yes, I know this is no cure for depression. 
It won't make your troubles disappear. 
But maybe it will help them seem a little more manageable. 

And don't forget to smile, even when you don't feel like it.

PS:  Later, I'll probably write in my journal, because that is my personal 'go-to' solution to help make sense of nonsensical thoughts.