Right now, most of the things I think about, or do, are placed in the category of "before" and "after". Which makes me feel very low, but I can't seem to help it.
Last week, I loaded up a few more things and took them to Goodwill. I went through everything twice before taking it over. I wanted to make sure I didn't get rid of anything that had any sort of emotional attachment to it. But I got it done. There's now a little more room in the garage. I wander through the garage, or my son's room, and sometimes a wave of sadness sweeps over me; sometimes it's more a feeling not being able to deal with it and I have to go sit down and watch TV -- something that takes my mind off everything else, allows me to think about anything other than my son being gone. Sometimes I sit in the chair, half expecting him to walk through the door again. When that happens, I know that it's going to be a long day.
The one thing I've noticed is that there are very few people I can talk to about my son. That makes me really sad. I understand it. It makes my mom very sad to think about him. My brother is very emotional and can't handle it. My daughter does OK but she's a busy Mom and doesn't always have time. I find that this blog has been the best outlet for me. But sometimes I feel like I'm being a broken record -- I realize that my son's death has defined my life and changed things irrevocably.
My motivation is less now, there's only me. It has changed things.
And I can feel the difference in me.
I don't like it much, but I can't change it.
And I shouldn't have to.
I go to work to fill my days.
I come home and take the dog on long walks
to fill my evenings.
Nights are the longest if I can't sleep.
With any luck, this will shift as I move through the first year of this life changing event.
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