Could Haves, Should Haves

Dear Brian:

Here it is, four months later.  And it still hurts like it was yesterday.  At least some of the shock has worn off.  But I'm still bothered ... plagued, even ... by thoughts about what I could have done different, should have done different. 

How I wish I had taken the time to get you to talk to me. Your whole life, you always were difficult to get things out of you.  Like the time I came home from work and found you in the backyard, throwing our little camping ax into the palm tree trunk.  You were taking out your frustrations because your SSI income had been cut in half, just when you thought things were going well.  It took a while for you to tell my why you were "punishing" our tree. 

When there was a problem or issue that needed to be discussed, it took you a bit to screw up your courage to say it out loud.  You'd walk into the room, and look at me.  I could tell by the look on your face that you had something important to say.  You'd let out two or three sighs, and I learned to wait, to give you the space to be able to say what needed saying.   It was my hope that it would get easier for you as you got older, that you would learn that there was no problem that couldn't be solved, no weight that was too heavy to bear, once you shared the burden.  It was always difficult for you.  I couldn't change that.

When you moved back in with me, I tried to give you space.  I knew how you felt some kind of ... shame? disgrace? .... to move back home.  So I was hoping that you'd feel as if you were a roommate and not my son.  I gave you space, I didn't pry or question things.  I waited for you to tell me in your own good time how things were going. 

Now  ...........   I wish I could change that.

I will always blame myself for that part of it, not recognizing the depth of things within you.

But that blame is not only my own.  I put part of it on the exGF.  When you and she got together, you seemed so happy.  She could drive where you couldn't; you were going out and doing fun things and you deserved that!  But something changed, or she changed.  From my viewpoint, it seemed like she was having ... problems, and you felt the need to fix them.  But they couldn't be fixed.  One thing I've learned (the hard way!) is that you can't fix someone else, and especially so when they don't want to be fixed!!   I saw the changes in you, but you seemed so determined to "stick it out".  There are no prizes for "sticking it out" whether it's good or bad.  *sigh*

There are so many little things I could point out, point to, and wish I could change things, go back in time and help you through some of the rougher spots of life. 

I will always carry these burdens, this blame, the guilt. 
And I can't think of a way to let it go.
Forgive me, son, for not stepping in and helping you more.
I love you. Always.
Mom