Someone Special

Dear Brian,

Here it is, the first holiday without you.  Thanksgiving.  A day when you think about all the things you're grateful for.  It was hard to think about you -- you wouldn't breeze in the front door this year. 

Because I work retail, that means I worked on Thanksgiving day - just like the past 10 years.  But that doesn't mean it's a day that's like any other day.  It's still a day to be grateful, and still a day that is celebrated, even though it may be on some other day.  For me, it was Saturday.  And that was a very difficult day.  I sat on the couch, TV running, but it felt like I was waiting for that moment when you'd come home.  And it didn't happen.  Simple things made me sad, and I cried for a little while because I miss you very much.

It was a rough work day, the store was busy both Thurs and Friday.  And our new management team decided that we all needed to work a 10 hour shift on Thurs .... until 11 pm!  I am a morning person, so that didn't work so well for me.

I thought of you often during the holiday, and found a little poem:

Those we love don't go away

they walk beside us every day

unseen, unheard but always near

still loved, still missed, and very dear.

I used that on the last page of the annual calendar I create and print for family each year.  And I hope it helps the rest of them like it does me, to remember that you're always as close as can be, because you're my son and I love you.

Love,
mom

I said...

I said I wouldn't care.
But I did.
I still do.

I said I wouldn't love.
But I did.
I still do.

I thought it wouldn't hurt.
But it did.
It still does.

I said I wouldn't cry.
But I did.
I still do.


I thought I wouldn't hope.
But I did.
I don't any more. 


LDPoetry 2013

4am Stuff

As anxious as I am to work on photographs, I also found that while I was on vacation, I would wake up at 4am and make notes in my netbook.  Sometimes the most extraordinary thoughts come to mind, but most often, they're what I call my "reality thoughts" --- its when I can be brutally honest with myself and how I'm feeling.   (Posting this at 4am, because it seems fitting ... but for once, I wasn't awake then!)

Ahh the joys of going back to your childhood home.  Short little flight and boom, this is where I spent most of my growing up years.  Nothing much changes in Silicon Valley - Its a well established and crowded area.  In the bigger picture of things, its too busy, too crowded for me.  But its family, it's home.

I experimented with photos out the plane's window, and caught this one with my hands appearing as ghostly images over the Valley lights  ... pretty neat, I thought!  Most of the pictures ended up being a blur, however, because of us moving, and party because its dark.








Some of my random thoughts while I was away:

Its so good to touch base, to swap stories, to reminisce about days gone by with family.  I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have that in their life, or worse, never had it.

~~~~~~~~~~

Its 4am, no sleep to be found.  That's a line from a Willie Nelson song.  And just happens to be true for me right now.  I am not sure why I wake up at this hour, I have been doing it for years.  I joke about it, and call it my worry hour, because I can think without being interrupted, perhaps.  It's when I get some of my best ideas, and my worst thoughts.  Almost as if reality is clearer at this time than any other time of the day.

Or maybe its when I can be the most honest with myself.

I was reading a few quotes about reality on GoodReads, thought I'd share what jumped out at me:

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”  -- Jim Morrison

And then this one:


"'You'll get over it' .....

It's the cliches that cause the trouble. 

To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. 

You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. 

The pain stops; there are new people; but the gap never closes. 

How could it? 

The particularness of someone who mattered enough

to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death.

This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. 

Why would I want them to?"

Sigh.

And he tells her....

She started talking with him several years ago on the computer; the place they met or the reason their friendship began neither remembers any more. But the friendship grew; they talked about everything from politics to religion to UFOs.  They shared memories of their pasts, and dreams of their future.  Years pass and the friendship deepens even more.  There's a mention of "a silver ring made from a spoon."
And he tells her he loves her......

One day, she tells him "I want us to meet..."
And he tells her, "Not yet"

She allows him to distract her over the summer
with backgammon, photos, boho blogs,
and assorted other ventures.
Another spring rolls around
And she says "I'm coming over to meet you..."
And he tells her "You can't."
She asks, "Why not?"
And he tells her "I'm married."

Her heart is crushed and she cries.
But they keep their friendship
alive with talks and backgammon.
But something's changed.

Simple conversations aren't as easy any longer.
She asks "How was your day?"
Even though she is afraid of the answer.
She questions their past conversations,
wondering what part was truth,
and what part was lies?

She sees his 'nick' flash on then off again
as her phone beeps with a text
And he tells her "be home in an hour"

Wishing him "sleep well"
is the hardest thing to do any more
because as she says it, she can't stop
the image that comes to mind now.

The thoughts make her sleepless;
eating has become rote.
There's nothing she can do. 
Anger only goes so far. 
He's a bastard for lying.
And she still keeps trying.
And he tells her "You mean so much to me"

@LDPoetry 2012

Footprints

Every day

a little more

slips away

further

from reach

like the tide

that slips in

sluicing over

any footprints

that may have

been left behind.

@LDPoetry 2012

It Hurts

Hopes
that lasted years
became possibilities
when you said
you loved me too

Dreams
that said someday
became shattered
when you told me
the truth

Reality
that's like a brick
weighs me down
and I can't let go
of us

Time
like a dark cave
looms ahead
stretching forever
quiet and alone again

@LDPoetry 2012

The Laughing Heart - Poetry

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

@Charles Bukowski

Get Over You -Poetry

I miss you, I miss us
People who know
say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

There's a dark cloud hanging over my heart
I can't see where it ends, or where it starts
I should get over you but it's so hard

There's a life I can't ask you to leave
and there are things I need
that you can't give me

Back and forward and back again
I can't stay away
I want to believe in someday
but don't think I can

I have moments of anger
where I say Fuck This
and then I break down and cry
because I'm not going to ever get over you

@LDPoetry 2012

Determination

Determination

tired & gritty
red & swollen
her eyes little more
than slits
in a face
ravaged by
time & hardships.

Never one to quit,
she gets up each morning
before the break of dawn
to go about her tasks--
things she'd rather not
be doing -- but must.

Her mind wanders
to another
place & time
full of
promises & life.

Covering another sigh
she diverts her attention
to the tasks at hand.
again.
and goes on.

©LDPoetry, 2012

empty on the inside

empty on the inside


Making plans for one
isn't as much fun
as making plans for two.
it just leaves you feeling
empty on the inside

Making life sound busy
and wonderful with words
is all a big lie
when you feel
empty on the inside.

Things come and go
relationships slip away
sometimes change forever
making you feel
empty on the inside

empty and hollow with
gut wrenching aches
eating is a comfort
but doesn't fill the
empty on the inside

Brave thoughts are
futile without
execution

when you feel
empty on the inside.


life goes on its merry way

and sometimes its best to
hide it all
when you feel
empty on the inside.

©LDPoetry2012

every day

Ahhhh, vacation time.  Because any where, any time away from work is a good thing.

I used to dream of things I'd do with my vacation.  For the last few years, I always imagined myself heading toward the beach, finding a nice hotel, taking pictures along the beach.  But all that was secondary -- the primary goal was to meet someone special.  But I've had to let go of that dream, can no longer imagine my doing that.  And it makes me sad.

its 4am and I'm rambling, I haven't been sleeping well.
just using this to sound off for a minute.

every day i let go a little

words flashing back and forth
a smile, a hug
become fewer,
less often

our time together
reduced to barely
an hour

no talk of a future
using distractions
to maintain connection
and yet to keep distant

the sun will be rising soon
its 4am

i can't sleep,
and yet i can't cry
any longer

i feel an end
creeping up on us

are you feeling it to?
every day that goes by
every week that's behind us
every month, and now
every year
pulls me further and further
and every day i let go a little.
©LDPoetry

Moments

Every now and then
I have these moments
moments of clarity
moments of fear
moments when I'm not sure
which end is up.

moments of joy
moments of regret
moments without hope and
I want to give up.


moments of the blues
moments of depression
moments of hating the waiting
for someday to happen.

moments of love
moments of laughter
moments of sharing even the
smallest of tidbits with you.

moments of knowing
you are my future
moments of doubting
you will be my future

moments of knowing
that life must be lived
with or without you.
Life is full of moments.

One Drop

a tear fell today
trickled down my cheek
and washed away a little pain
one drop at a time

like rains that caress
and shape the mountains,
a tear shapes and eases my hurt
one drop at a time

a tear fell today
sliding slowly down my face
and takes a small piece of hope
one drop at a time

like streams that trickle
moving rock down mountainsides
pieces of hope tumble away
one drop at a time

i know there will come a day
when pain is gone, hope returns
and my tears slow down
one drop at a time

©L.Danielson.Poetry

confusion

when confusion abounds

and life throws you

c u r v e b a l l s

making things

happen takes

time

effort

determination

and a strong will

some days i just don't

have that strength within

me to make it happen

maybe tomorrow


©L.Danielson.Poetry

Seven Years

Seven years, come and gone

passed in the blink of an eye

it seems as if just yesterday

we were exchanging glances

the roads we each traveled

to this point in time

were very different

and yet every day we find

we have more in common

than we ever expected.

You are my present,

and my future,

the one I hold in my heart.

~©L.Danielson.Poetry

Determined

Determined

tired & gritty
red & swollen
her eyes little more
than slits
in a face
ravaged by
time & hardships.

Never one to quit,
she gets up each morning
before the break of dawn
to go about her tasks--
things she'd rather not
be doing -- but must.

Her mind wanders
to another
place & time
full of
promises & life.

Covering another sigh
she diverts her attention
to the tasks at hand.
again.
and goes on.

L.DanielsonPoetry

Just Another Monday

Monday morning
tears fall
time to focus
work to do
wandering aimlessly
go away, tears
re-focus on
tasks at hand
mind wanders
heart hurts
go away, tears
time to focus
work to do
tears fall
will this day
ever end?

©L.DanielsonPoetry

When Love Finds You

When love finds you,
you're almost never ready for it
it sneaks up unannounced
like an ocean wave and
you feel the push of the wave
and the tug on your feet
as it washes back to sea
never sure which way to fall

When love finds you,
its easier to forget
the pains of the past
the hurts that came from
loving someone who hurt us somehow.

When love finds you
there's a joy in your heart
like a softly babbling brook
or a child's first laugh --
the things that help you realize
life is truly worth living.

When love finds you
there's a smile on your face
that shines like a noonday sun
as it ripens a field of strawberries
or glistens across a quiet pond.

When love finds you
your heart races when you see them,
your soul stretches out its hand to theirs
and you hold that feeling inside
and never feel completely alone
any more.

All is right in your world...
when love finds you.
©L.DanielsonPoetry

A Poem of Frienship

I'm reading (well, ok, more like perusing) a book called "She Walks in Beauty: A woman's journey through poems" and found this:

We are not lovers
because of the love
we make
but the love
we have

We are not friends
because of the laughs
we spend
but the tears
we save

I don't want to be near you
for the thoughts we share
but the words we never have
to speak

I will never miss you
because of what we do
but what we are
together
~Nikki Giovanni

...in her mind

by ~AzGal45 

 in bed curled up eyes closed 

He's there ..... in her mind. 

 Strong Hands soft skin 

slowly touching so relaxed 

..... in her mind. 

 Hands roam 

Fingers tease 

soft moans heated skin 

..... in her mind. 

 erotic touches tingling parts 

body reacts soulful aching 

..... in her mind. 

 Hands focused 

Fingers delve 

panting now needs release 

..... in her mind. 

 slippery wet 

His voice 

three words she obeys 

..... in her mind. 

 loud moans 

body trembles 

Fingers stroking breathing heavy 

.... in her mind. 

 floating downward 

small tremors 

tender touches she smiles 

..... in her mind. 

 ~~~LDPoetry©2008