Adios Lounge

There's a song by Tom Waits called Adios Lounge.  Like most of his music, its more than just words and a melody.  There's a raw honesty in the songs he chooses to sing.  And in his edgy whiskey soaked voice, a trademark growl, he belts out the following chorus:

• Don't let nobody go there for you
• Don't be satisfied with a second-hand life
• Don't let nobody stifle or bore you
• Handle your troubles or take on your strife
• Don't let nobody live your life for you
• Not your friends, not your kids, no not even your wife
• If you want to know where the rainbow ends
• It's you who´ve got to go there and find it my friend

We each need to live our own lives, to find our own joys.  This song popped up on my mp3 player yesterday, and I've been addicted to it for the past two days now.  Because sometimes we all get into ruts, situations, habits and we forget that we're important too. 

You can listen to the tune here.

Just a reminder, my friend, that time passes much more quickly than we realize. 
What are you waiting for?
Its time to live for yourself.

My Michael

Let me tell you about my  Michael .....
I often refer to him as my "Prof"
because he  gives me lots of advice,
forcing me to stretch my opinions, my mind, my ideals.

He is the quintessential man - a hard worker,
one who cares for the environment and his fellow man.
He's been known to give the last few dollars in his pocket to a man down on his luck.
He's caring, kind and 'gives a shit'
He likes animals.

He's a consultant, but he always has time for me.
He encourages me to grow, to try new things.
He listens when I'm down. and when I'm up, too.
He reads interesting things and always shares what he finds.

He's tall, a little younger than I am.
He looks great in good suit, but he's more comfy in jeans and a t-shirt.
His hands are rough and worn.
He's worked hard in his life, and life has worked him hard.
Things haven't always gone his way, but always gets better.

He's articulate and patient; when I don't understand something,
I can ask, and he will explain it without getting huffy or impatient with me.
He cares.

I can tell him anything and everything.
He doesn't laugh at me.
He'll hold my hand when I cry
and celebrate with me when I lose a few pounds.

I am head over heels in love with this man,
and dream of meeting him in person some day.
But I know that its totally impossible......

For he is my imaginary friend.

It Hurts

Hopes
that lasted years
became possibilities
when you said
you loved me too

Dreams
that said someday
became shattered
when you told me
the truth

Reality
that's like a brick
weighs me down
and I can't let go
of us

Time
like a dark cave
looms ahead
stretching forever
quiet and alone again

@LDPoetry 2012

The Naked Thumb

When it comes to jewelry, I've never been the type to want anything fancy or expensive. To me, it's not what it is that's important, its the gift/giver that makes a piece special. Or maybe its the reason for the piece -- call me sentimental (I know I am!). In fact, one of the lines to a Tom Waits song is " ... he gave her a dimestore watch and a ring made from a spoon ... ", and to me that's it exactly. It wasn't a 1 carat diamond in some fancy setting - spending money on a gift is easy; giving someone something from the heart is much harder. And means that much more.

So how did my thumb get naked?

Almost a year ago, to celebrate a turning point in a relationship, I bought a second thumb ring (the first one celebrated something in my own life! see post here ) Thursday at work, I had to do some maneuvering and cleaning and somehow it slipped off. I looked and looked, to no avail. And went with a naked thumb the entire day. It wasn't about losing the ring itself, as it wasn't expensive; I was more upset with losing the symbolism that went with the ring.

When I got to work today, our jewelry dept had a duplicate of the ring, so of course, I had to get it. And requested a txt message to have the sentiment "restarted" again!!

I'm so happy my thumb isn't naked anymore!

10 days into it....

10 days into my gym membership, and I'm still going :) I think that's pretty good, considering how bad I hurt after my last session with Amy, my personal trainer. Tuesday's session was quite the workout. After reviewing different moves on different gym machines, most of the workout was focused on two things: things I could do at home when I don't go to the gym, and to see just how far she could push me! haha Tons of leg work, squats with weights or the stretchy bands.

Try this one. Sit on the edge of a chair (not a rolling one!) and holding your arms straight out in front of you, one hand crossed over the top of the other, stand up, keeping your core tight, not bending at the waist. And sit back down the same way. 10 times. Ouchies! ok, take a break, then come back to it, only this time, do it 5 times. Then the next 5, do in slow motion down and up. Feel that? I sure did! After that, we went and worked on step aerobics. She put the step about twice as high as I do at home (nice of her, huh?) After all the chair work, my quads were complaining; when we got done with the step stuff, they were screaming. They screamed through the night, and all the next day even!! wowsa. For the most part, the rest of the week, I worked on cardio. hehehe

I've also definitely decided on a mini vacation for myself. I'm going to southern california for a couple days on/near the beach. I'm pretty excited, because I haven't been on a vacation in a while that didn't involve my kids, or my family. The last time I traveled anywhere, sans family, was .... when I lived in Ohio? and took a drive to Lexington, KY? anything before that would have to be assigned the category "in a previous life". lol

Doing something different and daring shakes up your world! Who knows what this will do in mine (those who know me will know what this means!) ............ Cross your fingers for me!!

HUGGSSS to everyone!

Sputnik Sweetheart -a novel

This is another book I'm reading by Huraki Murakami. I'm thoroughly enjoying his books -- and reading them on my new Kindle!! (Thanks to my sweet kids!) I enjoy trying to identify with a book's character, see if I can relate to them at all; if my experiences mirror any of theirs, and if so, how does what happens to them relate to me? And this time, I've identified with two of the characters, but not completely.

First is Sumire. She's one of the key characters in the story; a girl who's often alone, and writes all the time. Not novels or books, but more vignettes and snippets of things that could be put into some book or another later down the road. She also writes to help her think things through. Her best friend is someone she tells everything to -- when she can't sleep at odd hours of the night, she calls him up. The narrator of the story is referred to as K. He and Sumire have been friends for a very long time. He loves her deeply, and wants to be with her. But he accepts that they will only be friends, yet still remains sad over the fact that they'll never be together in intimate love.

Let me share a few quotes: "The world's crawling with stupid, innocent girls, and I'm just one of them, self-consciously chasing after dreams that will never come true." At one point, she tells K.: "Someday you'll get married to some nice girl and forget all about me." But the most poignant one for me has got to be: "That's gotta be one of the principles behind reality. Accepting things that are hard to comprehend, and leaving them that way."

In the beginning of the story, I was able to relate to Sumire and her need for writing; how it helps her think, how she gets these pieces of prose that come to her, and she needs to write them down. She also has her friend K., someone she can tell anything to, someone who gives her feedback, someone who keeps her grounded. And I could relate to K as well; he loves Sumire, but accepts things the way they are because it's her choice. He never stops loving her, always quietly encouraging her to grow, to spread her wings and fly if that's what she needs to do.

I have a very dear bestest friend of that kind myself. It's very rare that we go a day without speaking or relaying some kind of message. When something good happens, he's the first one I want to tell. When something bad happens, he's the first one I want to tell, as well. I sometimes wonder if I'm the first person he thinks of when it comes to telling something. I'd like to think so, but with guys its harder to tell :P Relating to these characters was at times painful because I know what its like to love someone who prefers to keep a distance. But because it's love, you accept it for what it is, take whatever they're willing to share, wanting only the best in their life, and whatever makes them happy.

Next book on the reading list: Norwegian Wood, by Haruka Murakami

If I Have to Go

"If I have to Go" is a song I've recently discovered, sung by Tom Waits, composed by Kathleen Brennan. (Thanks Prof, for sharing!!) Every now and then a song really speaks out. Not sure what the message I hear in this song is, and I'm sure everyone else hears or feels something different. But what I'm impressed by is this: Some music is wild and crazy, loud and rocking. But some of the best music is simple songs, with long, pure, clear notes. Like Chris Botti's Love Gets Old (listen here ). His jazz trumpet doesn't play a complex set of notes, just long, simple notes of pure pleasure. Tom Waits' song does this for me as well. It's tinked out with simple chords and an easy tune. (listen here )

and if I have to go
will you remember me?
or will you find someone else
while I'm away?

there's nothing for me
in this world full of strangers
its all someone else's idea
I dont belong here
and you can't go with me
you'll only slow me down

until I send for you
dont wear your hair that way
if you cannot be true
I'll understand

tell all the others
you hold in your arms
I said I'd come back for you

I'll leave my jacket
to keep you warm
that's all that I can do

and if I have to go
will you remember me?
will you find someone else
while I'm away?

Bridges of Madison County

I haven't blogged in a while. I've gotten away from writing for some personal reasons, but look forward to sharing thoughts again. Lately, I've been watching "Bridges of Madison County". And in a conversation I had, it got me thinking, wondering why I enjoy it so much. A big part of it is just the story itself. A classic love story theme, without the happy hollywood ending. The book is just as fascinating. The movie doesn't follow the book format, but there are some wonderful passages in the book that aren't conveyed in the movie. Yet they both go hand in hand, and are equally enjoyable.

I shared the following with a friend, because I look at him as one of the last of his kind, the same way Robert is in this story:

Setting the scene: It's 1965, she's a farm wife, he's a roving photographer for Natl Geographic. Happenstance or fate brings them together the week her family is out of town. And they find a very powerful love between them, unlike any other "hollywood love story", nearly instantaneous, and yet both seem to sense they can never be together "happily ever after".

He says:
"There's a certain breed of man that's obsolete. Or very nearly so. The world is getting organized, way too organized for me and some others. Everything in its place, a place for everything. Well, my camera equipment is pretty well organized, I admit, but I'm talking about something more than that. Rules and regulations and laws and social conventions. Hierarchies of authority, spans of control, long range plans, and budgets. Corporate power; in 'Bud' we trust. A world of wrinkled suits and stick-on name tags.

Not all men are the same. Some will do okay in the world that's coming. Some, maybe just a few of us, will not. You can see it in computers and robots and what they portend. In older worlds, there were things we could do, were designed to do, that nobody or no machine could do. We run fast, are strong and quick, agressing and tough. We were given courage. We can throw spears long distances and fight in hand-to-hand combat.

Eventually, computers and robots will run things. Humans will manage those machines, but that doesn't require courage or strength, or any characteristics like those. In face, men are outliving their usefulness. All you need are sperm banks to keep the species going, and those are coming along now. Most men are rotten lovers, women say, so there's not much loss in replacing sex with science.

We're giving up free range, getting organized, feathering our emotions. Efficiency and effectiveness and all those other pieces of intellectual artifice. And with the loss of the free range, the cowboy disappears, along with the mountain lion and gray wolf. There's not much room left for travelers.

I'm one of the last cowboys. My job gives me free range of a sort. As much as you can find nowadays. I'm not sad about it. Maybe a little wistful, I guess. But it's got to happen; it's the only way we'll keep from destroying ourselves. My contention is that male hormones are the ultimate cause of trouble on this planet. It was one thing to dominate another tribe or another warrior. It's quite another to have missiles. It's also quite another to have the power to destroy nature the way we're doing.

It's probably time to put away the things of childhood and grow up. Hell, I recognize it. I admit it. I'm just trying to make some good pictures and get out of life before I'm totally obsolete or do some serious damage."

She marveled at the sense he had of his ways coming to a close and the ease with which he accepted it. He could see the approaching death of cowboys and others like them, including himself. And she began to understand what he meant when he said he was at the terminus of a branch of evolution and that it was a dead end. Once, in talking about what he called "last things", he whispered " 'Never again,' cried the High-Desert Master. 'Never and never and never again.' " He saw nothing beyond himself along the branch. His kind was obsolete.

When they mention leaving together, she tells him "In a curious way, you own me. I didn't want to be owned, didn't need it, and I know you didn't intend that, but that's what has happened. You have me inside of you as a willing prisoner." He replied "I'm not sure you're inside of me, or that I am inside of you, or that I own you. I think we're both inside of another being we have created called 'us', not really inside that being, we ~are~ that being. We have both lost ourselves and created something else, something that exists only as an interlacing of the two of us."

"Robert, last night when we were making love, you said something that I still remember: 'I am the highway and a peregrine and all the sails that ever went to sea.' You were right. That's what you feel, you feel the road inside of you. No, more than that, in a way that I'm not certain I can explain, you are the road. In a crack where illusion meets reality, that's where you are, out there on the road, and the road is you. You're old knapsacks and a truck named Harry and jet planes to Asia. And that's what I want you to be. If your evolutionary branch is a dead end, as you say it is, then I want you to hit that end at full speed. I'm not sure you can do that with me along. Don't you see I love you so much that I cannot think of restraining you for a moment. To do that would be to kill the wild magnificent animal that is you, and the power would die with it."

When it's time for him to go, he leaves her with this one last thought: "I have one thing to say, one thing only, I'll never say it another time, to anyone, and I ask you to remember it: In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime, no matter how many lifetimes you live."

He got in his truck, gears grinding as he drove down the lane. At the end, he got out, stood on the running board and looked at Francesca. She watched him, sunlight making prisms with her tears. Neither of them moved, they already had said goodbye. They just looked-- the Iowa farm wife, the creature at the end of his evolutionary branch, one of the last cowboys. For thirty seconds he stood there, his eyes missing nothing, making their own image that he never would lose. He closed the door, and was crying again as he turned left on the county road. He looked in his rearview mirror, and saw her sitting crosslegged in the dust where the lane began, her head in her hands.

I really like the Clint character in this movie. He's edgy and soft at the same time. In the movie, he doesn't talk fast, you get the idea that he's weighing his words. And he listens to Francesca as if he already knows that he wants to remember each and every word the rest of his life. It's as if he knows before it even starts how it will end.

There's an odd beauty in a love between two people that doesn't cause them to disrupt what is. Neither of them gave up what they had to start something new. They seemed to know that if she had run away with him, the guilt, the feelings, would catch up to them and ruin what was beautiful. Maybe that's what's wrong with the world today. Everyone so caught up in trying to 'have it all' that they end up feeling badly about themselves, and everyone involved, because they didn't have the courage, the morals, to do what's right, to not give in to selfish pleasures. Maybe that's the biggest appeal for me about the movie, overall. She didn't give in, didn't ruin what she had with a husband and children. So often I hear "I deserve some happiness" as if that's an excuse to turn your back on what is, and reach for something else.

There's a lot to be said for old ways, old character traits, that the world has gotten away from. Morals and values don't seem to be ingrained in the same ways as they used to be. I often speak of some people I run across who are "old souls" -- no matter their chronological age, they seem to be old, like me. And that's not a bad thing!!

HUGS to all the old souls out there! (and the rest of you too!)
and a special HUG to my own "last cowboy"

Stream of Words

Stream of Words

It all begins with Hello.
How are you? Fine. Yourself?
What draws us to start a conversation in
a stream of words on a screen?

Another chance meeting
and the conversation picks up
Touches lightly on a range of subjects in
a stream of words on a screen.

Time moves along, and
the conversations continue
to delve deeper into one another in
a stream of words on a screen.

She asks questions about his theories
he continually challenges her way of thinking
she worries: does he think her thoughts too simple in
a stream of words on a screen?

Delving deeper into hopes, dreams, plans
she shares, he suggests and advises,
respect and gratitude begin to arise in
a stream of words on a screen.

Confidence and trust grow
like a desert flower blossoming
Can her dreams happen if she uses his advice in
a stream of words on a screen?

Weeks turn into months into years
her biggest dream becomes real;
hard work and good advice pays off from
a stream of words on a screen.

He's far away, and she's alone.
Casual conversations now have more depth
How can her heart be so wrapped up in
a stream of words on a screen?

Her body lonely for more, a shy attempt
at a local date begins well; but her mind wanders
and compares; wishes she was having a conversation in
a stream of words on a screen.

Other conversations are constantly compared
to her conversations with him; and fall short.
What is it that draws her heart inexplicably to
a stream of words on a screen?

Nary a day goes by without a conversation,
a memo, a note; and of course, virtual hugs!
Hello. How are you? Fine. Yourself? in
a stream of words on a screen.

There's no way to predict the
outcome of this virtual relationship
could anything ever replace this
stream of words on a screen?

I turn on my computer; log on.
Busy with my usual web pages, I wait.
Anticipating that moment when we continue
a stream of words on a screen.

The moment he logs on, my computer sings,
my heart soars, joyous to begin again....
there he is now!!! so I'm ending this
stream of words on a screen.

©L.Danielson

Neil Gaiman Quote

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Talismans- What's yours?

As most of you know, I'm an avid amateur photographer; as such, there's a group on Flickr that gives out a daily assignment to grow our skills with topics that take us out of our comfort zones. Yesterday's topic: "Some carry a talisman, amulet, "lucky charm", or just a comforting thing in our pocket. What do you carry? "

It took me only seconds to think what that would be for me, as I wear a gold thumb ring on my left hand. The only time I take it off is when its forced (like for surgery; when that happens, my best friend 'holds it' for me until I return).

But more than a picture of the item, what fascinates me are the stories behind how it became some sort of talisman to a person. Was it something that was found? Is it associated with something, or someone, for a reason? Of course, my thumb ring has its own story.....

After my divorce, I was worried, and a little depressed, about being alone, having to start over, afraid no one would want me again. (typical feelings for that situation, I hope!) When I started chatting with my friend, my Prof, my mentor (You know who you are!!); he convinced me that I needed something to symbolize my freedom, to remind me I'm a good person, that I can do anything I set my mind to... in short, the Goddess within me!!! So after some discussion, we settled on the thumb ring -- something I can wear that doesn't get in the way, and is always there to remind me that I'm special!

A short story, but simple and effective. I never go without my thumb ring, and when I'm having doubts, a little nudge with my other fingers and I know its there, not letting me forget my Goddess within!!

What's your lucky charm or talisman ???

HUGS to everyone!!