2:30 am and I'm awake. Maybe I pushed too hard yesterday; I had to take some aspirin for the aches and pains. and the headache. I woke up from having a bad dream. Something about a college, my brother knowing the direction. He needed to pick me up, as there was an earthquake or something. Several men were on really tall ladders trimming palm trees. When the ladders tipped, they fell to their deaths. (ugh, I really hate dreams like that) I recall waiting for my brother, walking around some fountain or statue or fountain with a statue. And needing to use the rest room. Who can ever figure these crazy dreams out? When I woke up, yep, I dashed into the bathroom. What part is the real and what part is fantasy? or something from our subconscious? crazy dreams!
I sure could use a quick massage right now.... I really miss having someone sharing life. someone who's there for me, and someone I can be there for. Amd maybe I wanted that kind of closeness so much that I imagined I had that - on an intellectual and emotional level even though it wasn't on the physical level. Maybe my mind let me believe in things that weren't real because of that. Maybe that's why I allowed the little warning signals, the sense of something not adding up -- because I wanted the other part so badly. Or maybe I was brought up to believe that people are like my parents: they would never lie, or do anything to hurt the other. What they have between them is amazing, and I have always wanted that for myself.
Sometimes I look back and I know they said I was too young when I married the first time. Turns out years later, they weren't so keen on my choice. Isn't it funny what you learn years later? My second was more suited to me - he was smart, a hard worker, and always on the go. Never knew the true reason it began falling apart, never got any real answers. When I found out he cheated, and lied about it, even after I knew that I knew that I knew, I stayed with him for nine months, trying to work on it. But it takes two to work on it, and we never got past the entire affair thing. Turns out while I thought we were working on it, he flew a woman out from the east coast and took her on a week long trip up the calif coast.
I discovered it while he was gone - I needed to get something from his work vehicle, and found his briefcase unlocked. Inside, a woman's bra, a picture and a note. I was livid. But only because I'd wasted nine months of "working on it" when obviously he had no intentions of doing that! I chuckle now at the memory. I guess he expected he'd covered his tracks pretty well and assumed I would keep the household running while he was gone on this trip to pickup up few things from his aunt, after his father and grandmother had died three months earlier. But, surprise surprise, I didn't grocery shop, I didn't do his laundry, I didn't clean the house. Instead what I did was move a mattress into the dining room, and my things out of the bedroom we shared. The way the house was laid out, there was a door between the kitchen and dining room, and the staircase to upstairs was off the kitchen. So it was possible to close off "his half" of the house and have a little privacy away from him. When he arrived home late and hungry on a Sunday night, he wasn't happy about having nothing to eat, no dinner cooked, and no laundry done - and he had work the next day. I could hear him muttering to himself as he tromped up and down the stairs to do laundry well past midnight. And by that point, I didn't care. Why should I ? He lied, he cheated and still expected me to do what I refer to as wifely chores? Bah! I was moved out in less than 30 days.
Yeah, that's a shortened version of the entire fiasco, but maybe I need to take a lesson from that. Maybe I trust people (men) too much? But do I want to be the other way ?? A person who is so non-trusting that you can't ever get close to a person? I've been that a time or two. After you've been hurt by someone you thought you loved, you thought loved you, its natural to close off your heart, to not let yourself be vulnerable, to ever be hurt again. But closing yourself off also means that you don't get the joys of sharing with another, of having laughs and good conversation.
And maybe that's why after almost eight years, I let myself believe it was possible again, let myself believe in someone, believe in that spark of something when you let your guard down, become vulnerable, share your self, your interests, your thoughts and feelings. And maybe I wanted that so much that I let myself believe that for me he was right. beautiful. honest. loving. committed.
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