2am, and I am wide awake. My brain doesn't seem to want to stop whirling through the whole mess of questions that plague me. I have what I'm thinking is a morbid curiosity as to how, why, when. On the other hand, I keep telling myself that I don't want to hear it, I can't bear to think about it. And crazy song lyric pieces run through my head. Over and over I hear "its all been a pack of lies" from Phil Collins' song "In the Air tonight". And if you have followed this blog, you know I'm a Googler, looking up things when I want to know something more. After reading the lyrics, and a few different thoughts about the song's meaning... I'm no further than I was when I started. It's a haunting song with a throbbing drum beat, and confusing lyrics. And now I've rambled. Sorry about that.
I took a couple of aspirin, as my head hasn't stopped pounding, and my back is aching. I think the headache is from grinding my teeth. Or is it gnashing? The backache is in the muscle where all my tension likes to reside, and I have a hard time finding a way to stretch it or a position to lay in that helps it relax. I chuckle, because its still over 100 degrees, and I lay on a heating pad. How ironic :)
A friend at work, Isaac, mentioned something to me that made me think. He was talking about his own situation at the time, but it kind of applies. One unlucky thing after another has been happening in his life, and to him it's like God's way of forcing him to take a good look at his life and refocus his priorities in a different direction. Sometimes things happen, major changes come along, and it forces us to take a good look at where we're at; but better, it helps us change our perspective, and find a new way of looking at things and what we're doing. I've wondered if this is a gods or universe way of doing the same thing for me. Maybe its to refocus my efforts on writing. Or working on my photography. Or taking care of myself in a healthier way.
My BFF says that letting go of things will open other doors and opportunities that I haven't allowed to come into my life. There's that old phrase when one door closes, a window opens. We just have to be watching for that open window -- and stop staring at the door that's already closed.
While I'm able to put a positive spin on things as I'm writing and thinking everything through, it only temporarily masks the pain. In a very selfish way, my heart cries out why me? why do I believe and trust in people only to have it ripped from me? What's wrong with me??? but in the long run, I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I need to have faith, to believe and trust in people, its who I am. I just need to figure out what to do in the aftermath. Sometimes that leads to the question of the 2x4 --- am I still being clobbered with this same 2x4 over the same kind of circumstances because I still haven't learned the lesson I'm supposed to learn???
More than half an hour has gone by, I still don't have any answers, the aspirin hasn't quite kicked in, but I have to be up for work in two hours, so I better lay down and get rest, if not sleep. Ok, one last thought I found on a fav website:
We promise according to our hopes,
and perform according to our fears.
~Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld
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