All day long as I'm working, questions would flit through my mind. Doubts would assail my senses when I wasn't prepared for them. And my mp3 player was cranking out the tunes... which was fine until a certain song or two comes on... and then it plunged me even deeper for a moment. As you can guess I was johnny-on-the-spot changing the tune so I wouldn't get sucked down into that black hole. It was touch and go a few times today, and I'm determined not to let that happen. Although at some point, I know that it will. It's part of the process.
The hardest part is finding my place amidst all this. I'm not out anything tangible -- I didn't lose money, I didn't lose my virginity, and I didn't lose my sanity ... well, ok, maybe a little bit there *giggle*. Because, in fact, if I look closely at the whole situation, I must have known something in my subconscious. Because other men I have spoken with, speak to, have a different mindset if they're "available". Let's face it: men who aren't truly available are safe in their own way.
It's 330am, and I'm wide awake. The wee hours of the morning are the darkest, and it's when I have my darkest thoughts. It's when I feel the pain most intensely, the kind of pain where your heart's been ripped out and stomped all over; or where you've been kicked in the stomach over and over again. I can move through tasks, the routine of daily life, and it simmers in the background. But as evening wears on and the day winds down, it begins to show itself. I stuff it back into place and crawl into bed and turn on a movie, happy for the distraction and fall into a troubled sleep. Only to wake up over and over again until ..... well, until I grab my notebook and begin to write.
I'll be frank with you, readers, and admit that yes, I am still chatting with this man. And some of you will ask WHY??? in various forms. I'll explore my reasons for that another time; suffice it to say that for now, its very difficult to end a friendship that's gone on for this long. Wow, I was going somewhere with this ... *pondering the whole thing* Ok, maybe I'm winding down enough to fall back asleep for an hour before I have to get up for work.
Why did I? Why do I? allow being treated this way?
Am I the only one? Or are there others.....?
ok, that's not a reasonable question,
I know there are others,
but I'll never know the truth ....
For those of you who celebrated the 4th of July, I hope it was a good one! I have a three day weekend coming up ... which could be good.... as long as I stay out of the abyss. Happy Friday to me!
No comments:
Post a Comment