A Big Question

Against advice from many people, Yes, I'm still chatting with him.  Its a hard habit to break, it's comfortable, we have good conversations when the topics aren't about our lives.   But there are a few things I chose to overlook along the way.

Everyone who spends any time chatting with people on the 'net know that we each have real lives away from our computers.   And in my opinion, real life should come first.  If you're chatting and you get a phone call, its polite to say BRB ... most times I explain the reason, and if I know how long it will be, guesstimate that as well. 

So we're chatting along about some news event, and bam, he's silent.   Minutes go by.  Half hour or more.  With no word.  When he finally chats again, he tells me he'd been to the store.  Does he assume that his life is more important? or assume I have nothing better to do than sit and wait?   Does he take 10 seconds to say BRB? Definitely a sign of someone who's level of caring about the real person sitting on the other end of his conversation isn't the same as your own.

But more important is the Big Question:  Why do I allow it?    Why don't I speak up and say something about the lack of the note on my screen so that I can get up and move around, finalize some last minute detail or something else entirely on my end?

I'll be honest here .... that sort of thing has happened more than once.  And now that it's been established that he's a liar, a player, I have to wonder about some of those 'disappearing acts' ... was it because someone else came online, and he had to do some fancy finger-work in talking to some other woman who's on the hook with him as well? 

And I keep coming back to the same thoughts:  What is it about me that allows that to happen?  Why have I not spoken up about it in the past... choosing to believe the little deception?  Some might say that its related to my own self esteem, or lack of self esteem.  I'll be doing some heavy pondering about that, I'm sure.  

I hate leaving thoughts on a sour note, 

so I checked online for a quote about self respect:

Self-respect cannot be hunted.  

It cannot be purchased.  

It is never for sale.  

It cannot be fabricated out of public relations.  

It comes to us when we are alone, 

in quiet moments, in quiet places, 

when we suddenly realize that, 

knowing the good, we have done it; 

knowing the beautiful, we have served it; 

knowing the truth we have spoken it.  

~Whitney Griswold

And now, its back to sleep, as its 2:30 am.  It was a rough day for me.