The Good and Bad

With things that have happened, I decided to open myself to a counselor.  There are so many things that go through my mind right now.  I have so many doubts about myself and my capacity to have a relationship.  After failed marriages, and now this... its hard not to think that there's something wrong with me, or wrong with my thinking processes, that I end up with failed relationships.  Yes, I know that I didn't do anything wrong here; I'm not the one playing, I'm the one who was played.  But what part of me allows that to happen??

In the case with my ex's, the crux of the problems has been that there was some lying and cheating going on.  Easy to say "yeah, we're not going there", and end the relationship.  But we all know it takes two to tango, and two to make or break a relationship.  So with that thought, it brings up the question about my role in what's been happening.  Not being able to find answers on my own, I'm turning to a counselor to help me understand my own thoughts. or misconceptions.

With some proactive things under my belt lately,  the most important part was my recognizing the need to move on.  When I raised the questions about my lack of abilities when it comes to a relationship, it was suggested that I try an exercise:  Make a list of the things I think make me a good partner/lover/companion. The second is a list of all things about me that I feel makes me a bad one. And I'm supposed to be brutally honest on each list and hold nothing back.  Wow.  At first a few easy things come to mind.  Then it gets tougher.  How many of us can actually list the goods and bads about ourselves?

I'll be doing it, for certain, but I know it won't be easy.  I have a long history, and input from ex's that could easily be a mile long, if I believed what they had to say about me.

Good listener.  Patient.  Easy going.  Perfectionist.  Shy.  Afraid to be vulnerable.  Take too long to let people get to know me.  Expect other person to follow through with actions that match their words. Don't communicate verbally very well.  

(Now I just need to rearrange these onto my list and get started....)