Four Weeks Ago

Dear Brian,

Little did I know four weeks ago that my world was going to change.  The sting of finding you in the backyard, the unbelievable feeling of someone ripping my heart out of my chest, the mind numbing anxiety that kicked when I realized that I would have to be the one making those horrible phone calls informing people. 

My first text was to Tanya.  "Come home" I wrote to her.  She wrote back and said "Is this some kind of joke?"  Then it came to me that she might have trouble comprehending so I texted Alonzo as well so he could drive her home.  Then I had to call your dad.  Yeah, you know how *that* went.  Then I sent a text to Lori. I knew she was at Grandma's and that I needed her to answer the phone.  Why I thought I had to call her on Mom's phone rather than just calling her phone myself .... well, that just goes to show that I wasn't in my right mind.  Thank goodness Lori had the foresight to call Karen to come be with me til Tanya arrived. 

One of the things that happens in death by suicide is that the subject is very much taboo; no one talks about it, or asks about it.  When someone learns what happened, they don't ask any longer.  Maybe they don't know how to ask, or what to say.  I read in one of my books that talking about you and events leading up is important in my own healing.  Because Rita works so close with me, she knows, but I can't talk to her about any of it ... she's one of those who always has a bigger, better, longer story to tell and my own is put on the back burner. 

It leaves me to feeling that I'm more on my own that ever before.  You and I always had a .... connection when it came to how we felt about events that were too people-y, about how we felt we were different from the other people in our family.  But we were also alike in that we knew what needed to be done, and always got the job done, even when no one else did. (Like trimming Grandma's tree! ha!) 

Four weeks ago was an ordinary day at work.  Not a single day since then has been ordinary.  I feel like I need to put up my sign "DON'T POKE THE BEAR" , because every interruption, every task that I'm asked to help with seems to irritate me to the very ends of my limit.   When I'm at home, the hours seem to drag.  My ability to focus on or complete a task is at an all time low.  And yet, when I'm at work, I can't wait to get home again.  When I'm home, I'm wishing I could go to work ... if only to take my mind off things for a few minutes. 

My life changed four weeks ago. 
And I can't have that moment back.
If only .....

I'll love you always,
Mom