Reliving It All (Part 1)

Dear Brian,

It's been three weeks, and after all the hubbub, I'm wondering if I'm ready to recount the actual day you chose death by suicide.

It was Tuesday, and I was only scheduled to work until 3PM and drove home my normal route, talking on the phone to Grandma.  I let myself in and Sadie greeted me at the door.  Your room was dark, the door halfway closed, I assumed you were sleeping until your work shift started.  I set down my things and opened the back door for Sadie.  I looked up and saw you laying on the rocks.  I hollered "OH MY GOD BRIAN" and ran over to where you were.  Your skin was greyish, there was dried blood under your nose.  Your right hand still held a gun, your left hand was clenched.

My guts started churning and I ran into the house and called 911.  After I told them my emergency, they said they would transfer me.  (Thinking about this later, I found it very odd!!)  I was on the line for what seemed like forever, they wouldn't let me hang up while waiting for police officers to show up. 

Two cop cars pulled up in front of the house, lights flashing and got out of their cars, but wouldn't approach the house.  My phone rang, 911 was on the line, and I had to go outside before the officers would approach.  One came up, knocked on the open door and announced "Police! I'm coming in".  I know ... procedure.  But in the midst of it all, I wanted to laugh because no one else was in there. 

They kept me outside while they did an entire search of the house, making sure it was empty.  If it hadn't been, I would have been totally shocked! !  I had to recount my story several times to the police officers.  Then I needed to use the restroom.  I went into my bedroom and closed the door, but they came knocking and chased me out.  Guess they didn't think I should be alone. 

They questioned me about having guns in the house (not that I know of) and about who lives in the house.  In between all the questions, I sent Tanya a text "Brian died, come home" ... she texted me back "Is this a joke??"  Then I sent the same to Alonzo, so that he would know I wasn't joking.  I texted my sister and said I was going to call Mom's house and please answer the phone.  That's when I told her.  Then I had to call your dad.  He was in shock, I told him the police were still questioning me, and I'd call later when I knew more.  15 minutes later, he called me back and asked "ARE YOU SURE???" Well, duh.  I wouldn't make this shit up!! 

The police wouldn't leave until I wasn't alone any more.  While we waited for someone, they walked around and did a deep search, looking for guns or anything else.  I told one officer that as a kid you liked to hide things underneath the bathroom sink.  He checked, only found the knife you had taped to the wall.  In the meantime, Lori called Karen, who came right over.  They also called in a grief counselor who helped with making some of the decisions that I didn't seem able to make in the moment.  It was a relief when Karen got here.  Around that same time, the coroner and CSI team arrived as well, doing their thing in the back yard.   They were nice enough to keep me busy with questions in the living room while they loaded your body and took the gurney out through the back gate. 

It was even more of a relief when Tanya and Alonzo finally arrived.  They dropped everything to come home and help me with things.  There wasn't much we could do that evening.  We looked over some of the things in your room, trying to find a note, a clue, a reason.  We couldn't get your phone to work -- still can't -- and didn't find anything that gave us any answers to our millions of questions.

We sat around drinking water, food held no appeal whatsoever to any of us.  We had the TV on for some noise.  Finally it was late enough, I decided to crawl into bed and try to sleep, but that wasn't going to happen.  Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was you, and my eyes would open back up, I was afraid to go to sleep and keep reliving the moment.   I drifted in and out of little naps; Frazier kept me entertained on the TV most of the night.  I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, that I was caught in the middle of a nightmare that I wanted to wake up from.

No such luck.

Disbelief, shock and grief do weird things to a person.  You stumble through ordinary chores (Does anyone need more water?  Should I fix dinner?) and yet the nightmare doesn't let you out of it's grip.

From Shock to Peace

Dear Brian,

It's been nearly two weeks now, and I know that I'm still in some kinds of shock.  It comes and goes.  When I'm at work, I feel as if I am doing OK, because my job keeps my mind occupied.  But I discovered today just how *not with it* I am.  The supplies that I order to keep my BigBoxStore going each week didn't get ordered.  Someone's gonna be complaining about not having any toilet paper -- or paper towels!  hehehehe

I keep asking myself when things will get back to normal; will it be better in a another week?  A month?  Everything I've read seems to point to nothing specific.  You know me, I like being in control, I like knowing the when's and where's of things. This is something there won't be an answer to in any normal time frame.  I understand it will be ups and downs for a long time to come.  Moving from shock to finding peace is going to take some work.

I'm not quite ready yet, but I know that I need to get the details out of my system.  It will be difficult, but necessary.  I know that I can't carry the weight of those details for long.  It'll be better to have them out in the open so I don't blurt them in an angry way at someone.  You dad, for instance.

He had a lot of attitude over the phone, and then again when he came to our house.    I've always been sad that your relationship with him wasn't all it could have been, but I know that's not on me.  There were times when I didn't see you for a long time; so I cooked a meal for the family and brought it to you.  Sometimes that was the only way to make time to touch base with you, to see you.  Sometimes it was only a few minutes, but it was always worth the effort. 

I know that a parent's job is to raise their kids to be happy, healthy adults who create their own lives.  You seemed well on your way to doing that.  Until things fell apart.  How I wish you had confided just a little bit, so that we could have talked about it more.  The one thing I would reassure you over and over is that it takes both people in a relationship to make it work.  One person doesn't cause all the problems; and when problems arise, you both find a way to work them out.  That's where things went wrong in your situation --- there's no way to work something out when both don't actually work at it.

Missing your laugh and hearing you on the other side of the house.  It was always nice knowing there was someone else sharing the same space.   I hope you've finally found your peace.

I love you.
Mom