Celebration of Life - Stories

Dear Brian,

With your sense of humor, you never minded people sharing things.  I chose the following stories to tell about you at the Celebration of Life Ceremony.

"Brian was a good son, he took care of me, and I took care of him.  He was my “handyman” and I think I’ll miss that the most. 

When we first moved to Arizona, our Thursday night ritual was head to this library for something to read, a video to watch, a CD to borrow.  Afterward, it was Taco Bell for dinner.  That went on for five or more years!   We often laughed how we were in a rut ..... but never changed this ritual.

When Brian’s grandfather got sick, Brian jumped on a plane for a week with his grandparents so he could take care of those little chores that needed to be done.  Grandma would make a Honey Do List and he would tackle them all and then ask “What’s next???”

Brian was born in California; when he was 12 we moved to Ohio and became a blended family.  Instantly he had two brothers, and two more sisters!   He joined the Boy Scouts, and went on many camping trips that weren't just about fun but learning about life as well; they also and learned about community service.  Every time I see a Salvation Army bell ringer during the holidays, I think of the weekends my boys would volunteer to be bell ringers.

In 2004, we loaded all of our stuff and relocated to Arizona, and bought a house.  After we moved in, Brian was “Mr. Fixit”.  He finally had his own garage, a place to keep tools and built himself a work bench.  He was forever repairing the little things that needed doing, and learned to be patient whenever Mom got a whim to paint a room, a close, the kitchen ….. or the entire house!!

When he decided that he wanted to get a job, he did it all on his own:  he looked up and found an ad for a parking lot attendant at Home Depot on Val Vista.  He called and got an interview date and time.  And when he arrived at the store, they didn't have him scheduled for an interview.   Turns out there are two Home Depot stores on Val Vista, and he had called the wrong one.  But the store manager, George, interviewed and hired him.   It was meant to be!  Brian enjoyed working at Home Depot -- as much as anyone can enjoy working retail, which has it's own special challenges!   And Mom should know, she works at Walmart!    I'm certain that just as he would do whatever needed to be done at home, he took that same attitude to work with him. 

None of us will ever know what was going through his mind,
what was so overwhelming to him that he couldn't stay just one more day. 

I know Brian would want each of you to live life fully, to work hard, and be kind to others. 
Your humor, kindness and selflessness will continue to inspire us forever. 
Rest in peace, Brian."

I love you!
Love,
Mom

Always a project

in the works

that's my son!!

Reliving It All (Part 3)

Dear Brian:

With the holiday in between, there were so many things we didn't know.  Everyone wanted closure.  The mortuary was trying to work with us and the ME's office transporting your body.  They were going to advise us to see if we were able to do a viewing.  Because of the time delay, your dad drove up on Friday afternoon.  He came to the house, jerked his head because he wanted to talk to me in the other room.  Yeah, you know the move I'm talking about. hehe.  He asked "What the hell happened?"  and I told him (again)  I don't have any answers for myself, let alone for you.  I don't know, I can only guess.

There are many misconceptions about a person who is considered "suicidal", as if they walk around ranting and raving before hand.  But that's not reality.  And in your case, I could tell there was a difference in your behavior from before you moved in with Michelle to after you moved back home.  Three years changes most people, especially young men. I didn't have any more answers for your dad that day, or even now.

We showed him the note you left.  He wasn't handling things very well.  Maybe there's some guilt because he hadn't seen you in three years.  But I told him that was between him and you, and I'm not going to accept any of that guilt.  Yes, I lived in town.  Yes, I sometimes made up excuses to see you -- asking for help with a household task, or bringing a meal to the family.  At least it was a connection, and that was important to me.   But I got away from my story....

Later in the afternoon on Friday, the mortuary called and they were pretty adamant about not having a family viewing.  I agreed, because I didn't plan on going.  And my advice to the rest of them was this:  Remember Brian as you last saw him.  You don't want to see him this way.  They agreed in the end.

The rest of Friday was spent doing little chores, having a meal, and looking things up on the internet, trying to find a place to hold a service.  You weren't churched and it seemed like the wrong move to have some kind of ... funeral.  We decided on a Celebration of Life ceremony, and because I couldn't locate any other kind of place, opted for the library.  And that seemed very fitting.   When we first moved to Arizona, we spent every Thursday after work going to the library for books, CDs and Videos to keep us entertained.  Then we had Taco Bell for dinner.  As I was thinking it all over,  we did this for like five years!!   HA! We got into such a rut.  But it was our day for spending time together.  And I miss that.  It's funny what you miss after it's gone.

Because I work retail, there were things going on and I had to work Saturday and Sunday.  The kids loaded up and drove home on Saturday as well.  It was oddly nice to have something relatively normal to do for a change.  The day passed as quick as work days do ..... but looking back, I know I wasn't my normal self.  I could only keep one thought at a time in my head; an interruption meant starting a work task over again.  There were notes I wrote and couldn't read later because they didn't make any sense.

At the end of that weekend, we all survived as best we knew how.
We knew there was more heartache to come as arrangements were made.
Even now, more than three weeks later, my mind still leaves little holes as I go about my day

I hate knowing that you're not coming back,
that you won't be around to help me do those odd little chores.
I hope you're in a happier place now.
We all love you and miss you bunches.
Love,

Mom

Celebration of Life

Saturday was our Celebration of Life ceremony for Brian.  My own personal goal was to share moments of Brian's life so that everyone else would know the wonderful man I called my son.  Here are some excerpts:

We are gathered here today to remember the life of Brian, to celebrate what he meant to us all.  We come together in grief, acknowledging our human loss.  There will be disbelief and sadness in the hearts of many of us who are here.  Perhaps it is hard to admit, even to ourselves, how profoundly vulnerable death can made us feel.  Our celebration of our love for Brian cannot blunt these feelings.  It is not about feeling better, but about finding strength and support in the sharing of this love.  And in the depth of this grief is revealed a secret.  Life, experienced fully with all its joys and sorrows, then gives it's secret to itself.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance ... "

(I shared some stories that were read by my son-in-law, Alonzo, to be shared later)

None of us will ever know what was going through Brian's mind, or know what was so overwhelming to him that he couldn't stay just one more day. 

I know Brian would want each of you to live life fully,
to work hard,
and to be kind to others.

Brian, your humor, kindness and selflessness will continue to inspire us forever.

Everyone who sits in this room today is a gift to everyone else here.  When we are together, just our presence, even in silence, is a deep comfort.  To those who were very close to Brian, no one can predict what feelings and experiences will arise in the days, weeks, month and even years to come.  There may be waves of joy and sadness and tears.

Everyone who is here is proof that you do no have to ride these waves alone.  We know, too, that it is not only grief that we will feel.  There will be genuine smiles, and gratitude for the memories that Brian has given us that can never be taken away.  Be brave, but not too brave, when the sadness seems to overwhelm you.  And practice forgiveness.  Learn to forgive your own grief.  As the sadness subsides over the weeks and months ahead, remember the important lessons you have learned:  that time is precious and to cherish the time you have with family and friends, to have the courage to ask "How are you?"  and to stay and listen;  t
o show the love you have for the people in your life, and to say and show how much you love them.

God didn't promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrow

Nor sun without rain.

But he did promise 

Strength for the day

Comfort for the tears

And light for the way.

The Whole Family

Dear Brian:

It's Friday.  Tomorrow is your Celebration of Life service, and the entire family has flown in.  Lori and Grandma arrived on Wednesday; David, Krissy and Anthony on Friday; the rest of the crew arrived today.   So good to see family, but we're sad because of the reason.  It shouldn't take a funeral to get families together.  Just sayin'. 

Because of the heat, we all headed out to Arizona Mills mall and walked around, then had lunch in the Rainforest Cafe.  It was fun, innovative, and certainly appealed to children!  You know how it is with family, you end up having the best discussions around a meal -- even when you're not hungry.  Dinner last night was at Red Robin, with endless fries.  We left an empty chair at the table for you.

Its odd to feel the pull and tug of being happy to see your family, and sad that you're not here with me any longer.  Sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and sleep through it all.  Sometimes I think getting sick in the bathroom will make me feel better - even though I know it won't.  But I trudge on and enjoy the little conversations, pieces of family life that gets shared. 

I truly wish I didn't have to do all this.
Seriously.
But I can't change what happened, I can only hope that you have found your peace.
I love you.
Mom.