Missing Brian

Just the other day, I got an email that someone had left me a message .... I recognized the source and clicked on it to start reading.  My son's ex-girlfriend reached out, telling me how sorry she is, how much she misses him, and that he talked of me all the time (that part is probably true!) 

It's weird how you can get busy with life and while nothing is forgotten, it is set aside, on the back burner so to speak, and you deal with what needs to be done as it crops up. 

But my suspicious nature kicks in and I'm left wondering why she would leave me this message,or why she was reaching out to me now.  The last time I heard from her, she was spewing garbage about the girl my son had dated a couple of times, wanting me to make sure I knew what kind of background the woman had.  First, it's not like my son was going to continue dating her after his suicide.  Second, the GF broke up with Brian, and he moved out of her house and in with me - who he dates after that isn't her concern!!    And in the midst of all my motherly grief her biggest concern is making sure I knew the details of the woman's past?   What difference would that make to me now???

I know that Brian's heart was broken by the GF.  But before the break-up, I suspect there were other things going on.  My son was a "pleaser" - he did whatever he could, whatever needed to be done, in order to make life better for someone if he could.  Whenever I traveled to Cali to see family, I tried to take Brian along, because everyone needs a vacation from their job.  And he didn't have much of that living with the GF.  But the last two trips, we noticed that Brian wasn't his normal self. Not that he would talk about it much, but we could tell.  Everyone has their ups and downs in relationships, so we thought it was just that.   Looking back, it would be too easy to put a spin on things that happened .... but we know that living with the GF changed him.

Only Brian will ever know the real truth about what went on between him and the GF.  I don't even bother asking her because I would never get the truth, just her version of it.  And there is always more than one side to a story!!

I know that forgiveness isn't about the other person as much as it is about ourselves. For now, the anger that bubbles up now and again is blamed on two things:  Brian choosing death by suicide versus finding some help for the overwhelming feelings he had going on; and the GF and whatever head games she put on Brian for the 3+ years they were together.   Although if I'm really honest with myself, I hold a very small portion of the blame against my ex -- he didn't make a lot of effort to act like Brian's dad -- and a smaller portion of the blame belongs to me.  I lived with Brian, if I had been paying more attention, or had changed what I said or didn't say -- I know, I can't relive those moments, and most of the time I don't dwell on what didn't happen.

I can't change anything that happened, or what Brian chose to do. 
What I can do is go on with the task of living in the way that he asked me: 
to be strong, and be happy.

I can't change missing him, but being able to write about him
helps me miss him just a little bit less.

Survivor's Guilt

When someone you love commits suicide, there are so many questions and so much confusion surrounding the situation.  I've been trying to read up on SOS:  Survivor of Suicide.  Clearly my son had some kind of issues.  He had taken a step to get his life in order, coming to live in my home again.  I think somewhere deep down I knew that he wasn't the same young man who had moved out a little over three years ago.  And while I'm one of those types who can find a solution or work around most problems, I can't do it if I don't know what the problem is. 

I know he had issues with money and was struggling.  I offered up some help and some solutions to getting it under control.  He took my advice, actually sat down and wrote out the bills he needed to pay and how much was owed each month.  We were about to set up some recurring payments so he could get out from under those pesky late fees that add up quickly when you're late making a payment. 

One of the things I learned about the guilt part is that as a parent we question ourselves over and over, "where did I go wrong" , "did I push him too hard" , "If only ..... " .  Sometimes outside influences have more sway over our kids than we do.   Approximately 60% of all people who die by suicide may suffer from a mood disorder, and more than 90% have a diagnosable mental disorder.   When I read that I thought "ok, maybe that's true" but as parents we like to think we understand our kids and have some kind of internal radar that tips us off when there's something "off".  That may be true when your kids are younger and they aren't keeping up with school work or social skills, but once they reach a certain age, it's harder for us to know what's really going on.

My son was 33.   While he wasn't in his right mind (in my opinion) he knew enough to let that influence his own decision making.  And while I have some anger issues that raise it's ugly head from time to time, I know that even if I had it to do over again, I'm not sure my son could have put to words what he was feeling. 

As a survivor of suicide, I have to learn that I don't need to feel guilty over my son's death and the circumstances.  I have a right to retain my individuality and not be judged because of his death.  I have the right to a new beginning.  I have the right to be. 

It won't be easy; I'll backslide from time to time. 
But somehow I must make peace with what happened
while still loving my son and the memory of him. 

And if you're struggling with some kind of suicidal thoughts or emotions, please seek help.