Write Peace

Its Mom day again for grocery shopping. Picking up Mr Z from school. Baseball practice this evening.  For being retired, I'm not getting much rest! Haha

But one thing has been weighing on my mind.  There's a new song by Leanna Crawford. The opening verse is:

"Great Aunt Maurine said at a hundred and three:  Write scripture on your heart for when you need it, Cause anxiety hates Psalm 23. So just say it to yourself ‘til you believe it. And I’m feeling like I’m needing it right now."

Psalm 23 is well known.  I know that it's written on my own heart, and has given me comfort through all my hard times.  I find myself wishing it for mom.  She has attended church all her life. And yet she has so much anxiety over ... things.

I guess in the end, we all find our own peace.  Much of mine comes from music!

Missing Brian

Just the other day, I got an email that someone had left me a message .... I recognized the source and clicked on it to start reading.  My son's ex-girlfriend reached out, telling me how sorry she is, how much she misses him, and that he talked of me all the time (that part is probably true!) 

It's weird how you can get busy with life and while nothing is forgotten, it is set aside, on the back burner so to speak, and you deal with what needs to be done as it crops up. 

But my suspicious nature kicks in and I'm left wondering why she would leave me this message,or why she was reaching out to me now.  The last time I heard from her, she was spewing garbage about the girl my son had dated a couple of times, wanting me to make sure I knew what kind of background the woman had.  First, it's not like my son was going to continue dating her after his suicide.  Second, the GF broke up with Brian, and he moved out of her house and in with me - who he dates after that isn't her concern!!    And in the midst of all my motherly grief her biggest concern is making sure I knew the details of the woman's past?   What difference would that make to me now???

I know that Brian's heart was broken by the GF.  But before the break-up, I suspect there were other things going on.  My son was a "pleaser" - he did whatever he could, whatever needed to be done, in order to make life better for someone if he could.  Whenever I traveled to Cali to see family, I tried to take Brian along, because everyone needs a vacation from their job.  And he didn't have much of that living with the GF.  But the last two trips, we noticed that Brian wasn't his normal self. Not that he would talk about it much, but we could tell.  Everyone has their ups and downs in relationships, so we thought it was just that.   Looking back, it would be too easy to put a spin on things that happened .... but we know that living with the GF changed him.

Only Brian will ever know the real truth about what went on between him and the GF.  I don't even bother asking her because I would never get the truth, just her version of it.  And there is always more than one side to a story!!

I know that forgiveness isn't about the other person as much as it is about ourselves. For now, the anger that bubbles up now and again is blamed on two things:  Brian choosing death by suicide versus finding some help for the overwhelming feelings he had going on; and the GF and whatever head games she put on Brian for the 3+ years they were together.   Although if I'm really honest with myself, I hold a very small portion of the blame against my ex -- he didn't make a lot of effort to act like Brian's dad -- and a smaller portion of the blame belongs to me.  I lived with Brian, if I had been paying more attention, or had changed what I said or didn't say -- I know, I can't relive those moments, and most of the time I don't dwell on what didn't happen.

I can't change anything that happened, or what Brian chose to do. 
What I can do is go on with the task of living in the way that he asked me: 
to be strong, and be happy.

I can't change missing him, but being able to write about him
helps me miss him just a little bit less.

The Backyard

Dear Brian,

It's been difficult for me to go out and enjoy the backyard.  My mind drifts to your final place out there, and I just haven't been able to do anything.  Yesterday, I was able to go out, and once I took a good look around, I realized that this neglected yard needed to be worked on.

So I started.




And once I was started, I was able to continue ... until the heat got the best of me.  But I was able to finish up today. 





I moved the bench back along the wall and put my "reading" chairs in place, ready for the fall and cooler weather.  Another two weeks and .... I'm so ready!



I cleaned out the junk from the planters, tried to rake up what I could of the pine needles that blew over with the monsoon winds.  That Moon Lagoon bush that became more tree-like is chopped down, all that's left is to dig up the root ball.   My plan in the fall is change "cactus corner" into some metal art displays and lighting.  Just something fun, and less to maintain. 


I've gotten rid of more of the plants in planters that just don't look good any longer.  The cactus that doesn't bloom ... out it goes.   Cleaned out the fire pit, and banged the top back into shape.  A palm frond fell on it and caved it in. 

When I gaze out over the yard now, I'm a little more at peace with things.  As much peace as I'll ever find I suppose.  My heart breaks for all the things that you wouldn't or couldn't let me help you through  None of us should go through life tackling things alone. 

"Carry on, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. 
Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more."

I heard this the other day, and it made me tear up.
I hope you've found your peace. 
And I hope Grandpa gave you a little guff when you saw him, just for old times' sake!