Missing Brian

Just the other day, I got an email that someone had left me a message .... I recognized the source and clicked on it to start reading.  My son's ex-girlfriend reached out, telling me how sorry she is, how much she misses him, and that he talked of me all the time (that part is probably true!) 

It's weird how you can get busy with life and while nothing is forgotten, it is set aside, on the back burner so to speak, and you deal with what needs to be done as it crops up. 

But my suspicious nature kicks in and I'm left wondering why she would leave me this message,or why she was reaching out to me now.  The last time I heard from her, she was spewing garbage about the girl my son had dated a couple of times, wanting me to make sure I knew what kind of background the woman had.  First, it's not like my son was going to continue dating her after his suicide.  Second, the GF broke up with Brian, and he moved out of her house and in with me - who he dates after that isn't her concern!!    And in the midst of all my motherly grief her biggest concern is making sure I knew the details of the woman's past?   What difference would that make to me now???

I know that Brian's heart was broken by the GF.  But before the break-up, I suspect there were other things going on.  My son was a "pleaser" - he did whatever he could, whatever needed to be done, in order to make life better for someone if he could.  Whenever I traveled to Cali to see family, I tried to take Brian along, because everyone needs a vacation from their job.  And he didn't have much of that living with the GF.  But the last two trips, we noticed that Brian wasn't his normal self. Not that he would talk about it much, but we could tell.  Everyone has their ups and downs in relationships, so we thought it was just that.   Looking back, it would be too easy to put a spin on things that happened .... but we know that living with the GF changed him.

Only Brian will ever know the real truth about what went on between him and the GF.  I don't even bother asking her because I would never get the truth, just her version of it.  And there is always more than one side to a story!!

I know that forgiveness isn't about the other person as much as it is about ourselves. For now, the anger that bubbles up now and again is blamed on two things:  Brian choosing death by suicide versus finding some help for the overwhelming feelings he had going on; and the GF and whatever head games she put on Brian for the 3+ years they were together.   Although if I'm really honest with myself, I hold a very small portion of the blame against my ex -- he didn't make a lot of effort to act like Brian's dad -- and a smaller portion of the blame belongs to me.  I lived with Brian, if I had been paying more attention, or had changed what I said or didn't say -- I know, I can't relive those moments, and most of the time I don't dwell on what didn't happen.

I can't change anything that happened, or what Brian chose to do. 
What I can do is go on with the task of living in the way that he asked me: 
to be strong, and be happy.

I can't change missing him, but being able to write about him
helps me miss him just a little bit less.

Do Rules Apply?

When you're "roommates" with your grown adult child, are there rules that apply?

My son is 34 and recently moved back home.  He doesn't seem to have his life on track, owes money to many different credit cards, and as nicely as I've offered to help in this arena, he hasn't done anything with it that I can see.  It's not really my business except for the fact that he lives in my house, I am charging him only $400 in rent, and that includes food.  (hell, he eats that much in a month!)

But sometime Sunday it seems he left the house, and didn't come home to sleep before work - he works the night shift.  While I made him lunch, his bedroom door was closed and I thought he was asleep.  His alarm went off and he didn't get up, so I knocked on his door.  Nope, not in there.  So I turned off all his "stuff" and closed the door. 

But here's my question:  if you're roommates, what are the house rules???

If you're going to be gone, should you leave a note?  text msg?
If someone is helping you out of a jam, should you help around the house?

I realize that as a mom, I can't expect him to live by rules that I established when he was a teenager and still under my roof.  But at the same time, it's my house and I need to be comfortable with things.  Last weekend, he had a girl over just before midnight.  It bothered Sadie, and she woke me up several times. I finally had to tell him that his friend needed to leave.  It IS my house, and since I'm footing the bills, I need to get my sleep so that I can go to work.

I felt bad about that situation, but what about the house rules???

My biggest fear is that this girl is really just a girl -- and I suspect its the daughter of the woman he was living with for two+ years.  Which in my opinion makes her too young for him.   I'm at a loss as to where or what to do next. 

Other than create a set of house rules, and make them stick.
It sucks trying to do "tough love" on your grown children ....
but sometimes it's necessary.

Parenting and a GOAL!

Being a parent isn't an easy job.  Being a parent of a special needs child is even more difficult.  But when they're adults, and still special needs, well, that takes a different kind of patience.

My son is visually impaired, has been since birth. His measurable vision is 20/200 , there aren't lenses strong enough to correct that.  Add to it, he has nystagmus, where the eyes wiggle back and forth involuntarily, which makes it take longer to focus.

As an adult, he has learned to deal with his limitations.  But he still has issues as well.  He gets overly frustrated when things go awry.  Today, his checkbook balance was overdrawn.  And it makes him very upset when it happens.  It doesn't happen often, thank goodness.

His gas powered bicycle broke a drive chain coming home from work Monday night.  In his angst and frustrated state, he ordered one online and used his debit card instead of a credit card.  Ooops.  He thought he could beat it to the bank to make a cash deposit, but nope, things go through really quick being online.  Then the part he ordered, the chain is too short.  Needless to say, he's extremely frustrated and upset, and when he doesn't know how to handle it, he tends to do things .......

He used to just shoot up the yard with his paintball gun, but he sold those.  Tonight I came home and found he'd been throwing the hatchet into the trunk of the palm tree. Now she's scarred, he will have to look at that every time he's in the backyard and know he did it.  I'm sad for him, but don't know of any way I can help him get over that.  He lets his frustrations mount when I'm not home, and lets loose.  If I'm around, he can usually just talk about it, and I can soothe it over, offer solutions.

Yep, not easy being the parent of an adult special needs kid!

On a good note:  Total steps today 13,752 a new personal best!
I also got in some weight machines as well...
and reached my goal 30 mins = 2.0 miles!
Yep, that took a little extra oomph
that I wasn't sure I had in me,
as I'm a little bit sore in the leg muscles!

That calls for a reward..... any suggestions?????
(chocolate comes to mind... lol )
256#

1 FWD, 3 BACK

Have you ever felt like you just can't get ahead???  
I am sure my son feels that way, and because I'm his mom, I feel it too.

My son is disabled, visually impaired from birth.  He doesn't drive a car, has been taking public transportation most of his life.  He receives SSI benefits - disability payments for someone who's never worked before.  He's 28 years old now, and still lives with me.  Why?  Because his SSI payments were only $400 a month.  Now what grown man can live on that little bit?  The fact that he lives with me affects his monthly income.  So he got himself a part time job at Home Depot as a Lot Attendant.  Hard work for little money. But a little bit helped him out.  Then Social Security stepped in and "readjusted" his benefit to $175/month, but keeping $72/month in order to pay back what they say they overpaid him.   So now on his part time of 20 hours/week, at rounded to $10/hour, then taking out taxes, and medical insurance as now dicta.... errr... mandated by Pres. Obama and his take home pay is quite small.  He pays $400/month toward household expenses but they still calculated in the figures that somehow gets $175 added to his income because I "supplement his expenses".   Perhaps this manner of finagling numbers around is how our country has become so much in debt.....  I mean, if I give them proof of the household expenses ... Mortgage and various Utilities....  and he pays $400 which is $4 less than exactly half.... where do they come up with $175???

Its so confusing.  He received a letter 15 pages long trying to explain all of this legal mumbo jumbo regarding his eligibility.  Time to hire a lawyer I suppose to help us out and perhaps appeal this decision.  But who can afford a lawyer?   I know I can't.  :(

I am sitting here alternating between being mad as hell, and just wanting to throw up.   It's not like I'm asking the world for a free hand out.  Just a little help so that he can live a full productive life, as best as he can.

I'm frustrated and want to scream.  Or cry. Or both.  The system sure doesn't help out the little guys who try and be honest about their situation.  Because we both know that a person can stand on a corner and get work for cash that never has to be reported to anyone.  But do things by the book, and it throws it right back at you -- ten-fold.  

The really sad part is no matter how much I try to make it so that he's a tax paying citizen doing his part and being independent, at this rate he will be dependent on me forever.  And I won't be around that long.




So here's me and my frustrations,

giving our Government

The Finger.

Beachin'

Here it is, Saturday, and I've frittered away the day.  Or has the day frittered itself from me?  I was busy with household chores, catching up from being on vacation, and trying to rest after a hellish work week of 39 hours in four days.  Yep.  I'm one tiiiiired gal!

I got to thinking as I was busying myself around here, and remembered that a year ago, I was dealing with my son Brian and his little saga.  It's funny as parents what we'll do for our kids when they're in need.  And sometimes, doing nothing is the best thing we can do -- letting them figure things out on their own and deal with the consequences of choices.  And sometimes, we just have to help them out.   After a week of living with a nutjob woman, he asked to come home again.  And I let him.  Because I told him at the start it wouldn't work, but he had to find out on his own.  And I let him.  :)

It was a whirlwind trip to Calif with my kids.  We also hit the beach:  Manresa State Beach as it was one of the few dog friendly beaches around.

We had a great time doing simple things:  Helping the folks around the house, playing card games and Yahtzee, and spending lots of time together.

It's nice to go on vacation,
and equally nice to be home again, too. :)

Reagan

Well.  It was a very busy day today.  And perhaps it is the end of Brian's saga.  She went into labor and the baby didn't survive at 15 weeks.  And while its a sad thing to happen, having a miscarriage, I'm somewhat relieved that Brian won't have to deal with ... everything. 

Halfway through my day, Brian decided that he wanted to go see her, and the baby, at the hospital.  We arrived, and she's in a room with her husband and her daughter.  We chit-chatted a bit, then she asked the nurse to bring the baby in.  I had no idea what to expect.  She was so tiny, and so human formed, and yet you could also see that it wasn't a completed process.  They said her name is "Reagan", and decided it was a girl based on the ultrasounds.  Her features weren't complete enough to know if she looked like either of the parents.

The hospital was very kind in this matter, and made an imprint of her feet in some clay, along with ink on a paper.  They are very very tiny, but you can see each and every toe.  They brought her into the room in the smallest baby basket you've ever seen.  I'm sure they deal with this more often than most people realize, and they seemed to be sympathetic to the entire situation.  Although, it felt odd to me that this baby was "paraded around" for us to see.  Maybe that's some of my 'old fashioned' coming out.  Or maybe people with degrees know that its more important for people to have some kind of closure that we never realized in the past. 

I strongly believe in nature's way knowing best, and think that's what it was in this case.
But I'm glad I took the time to take Brian over to see her.

Maybe you're meant to meet the world in another place and time, pretty Reagan. RIP.

Busy Lately!

Well... this has been quite the week!  Where to start.....

Brian had applied on line to a local home improvement store.  They called him back, set up an interview.  He arrived, told them why he was there, and they said "You don't have an interview here."  *blink*blink* after some discussion, it was discovered that it was supposed to be at a different location across town -- but on the same street.  lol  But my son has always had terrific luck, they spoke with him, he said he wanted to work at the store, but they only had one opening -- the same one he'd applied for at the other store.  Lucky him, they interviewed him right there on the spot. When asked why he wanted to work there, he replied "I heard it was a good company, and I like to make stuff."  "You know about tools??"  "Ohhh yeah....."  So who knows what will be in Bri's future!  He filled out papers and took his drug test today. We're just waiting on a start date now......   YAY!  *dances a happy jig*

As for his other saga .....  she called today and said she's been put on bed rest due to a placental abruption -- not usually a good thing if the bleeding doesn't stop.  But even from her bed rest, she continues to harp about how little she imagines Bri to care about what happens.   Always something from the drama queen..... *sigh*

Speaking of drama queens:  After my post the other day about the football game incident, I dropped an email to my daughter, told her I was pretty upset about the whole deal, and how sad I thought the situation was becoming.  I also told her that since I am the one who usually insists that Bri spend holidays down there, PLUS pays the bus fare and back, that I'm done.  If TheEx wants to see his son, he'll have to make the effort.  All of a sudden, he's calling every day, asking about Bri's job prospects, and telling him he'll come up this weekend to take him out.  Maybe a little bug in his ear from his daughter .... well, knowing my daughter it was more like a rant than a bug!  hahahah

My Dad started his second chemo treatment on Weds.  He was in pretty good spirits when I called him to share the news about Bri, but he also sounded tired and weak.  Mom has a new cast, one that's not so tight, her arm kept swelling up.  I keep wishing I was there.  Permanently, not just on vacation. 

And last, my back seems to be back to mostly normal.  Not sure what I did some time last Monday, whether it was stepping wrong, turning a foot wrong, or reaching while bending at the same time -- I pulled a muscle either in my hip or lower back.  (inflamed muscle, irritated nerve is my best guess)  Just taking steps was painful.  I wore a back brace just to hobble the dog around the block last weekend, but spent the rest of it flat on my back, on a heating pad.  Monday was a better day at work, I made sure I was careful and always wore my back brace when lifting or moving things.  After work, I stopped into the gym and did some mild stretches, rolled on the foamy roller, and got some cardio in on the elliptical.  I did that every day this week, and also started back with some light weights on Weds and today -- I'm not in tip-top shape, but its nice to be able to move without gritting my teeth!

Happy Weekend to you!

Smile, even when it hurts

So today was a heck of a day!  I've been trying to get at least one thing on the house accomplished every week, because we all know that houses need maintenance.   Today's chore:  to replace the on/off valve in the master bath shower.  Getting things done is mot an easy thing to do with all that's going on.

Let me recap for you:  Brian's saga goes along.  On Tuesday, Leigha dropped by - said she was in the neighborhood - she had her daughter and her husband with her.  To meet Brian.  um, what? why?  hahaha too weird, too looney toons!   Today, she sent a text about having to go to the ER (not sure why) and Brian answered "glad you're ok".  She sent back info about the babe's heartbeat being good and strong.   Brian said "cool".  And she goes off her rocker, mad because his "cool" sounded like he didn't care.  drama drama drama. 

Dad's colonoscopy turned up colon cancer, the resection didn't happen because they found more cancer in his abdomen and on his liver.  They've done another CT scan and have now found it on his lungs.  Brave man that he is, he's gonna give chemo a try, and gets his 'port' put in on Friday.

On Thursday, my mom fell down on her morning walk, and broke her wrist.  She had her cell phone, thankfully, and Dad picked her up, took her home.  She didn't go for xrays until much later.  Yes, its broken, and she's in a large hard cast -- its sparkly purple!  *grins*  She goes back to the doctor to check progress, making sure they don't need to do surgery (heaven help us, our family doesn't need any more!).  She will wear a cast for 8 weeks total - if not more. 

When I spoke to my sister Thursday, and again today, she sounds a little stressed, so I asked if I should come up and she said yes!  So in two weeks I'm dashing up to visit family, and hopefully get some family meeting time accomplished.  Its like there's a huge pink elephant in the room and no one wants to say the wrong thing -so they avoid talking about it at all, it seems.  But now is the time to make the decisions, to make sure things are in order, to put minds at ease so Dad can be cared for in the way he wants. 

In research on the web, there are a lot of good ideas about what will happen, what needs to happen, and how to make your wishes known.  We all have our own ideas about things -- but how often do we talk about them?  My aunt and I talk about it often, she's much like me, a realist who knows that death is inevitable for all of us.  It's the circle of life.  We need to make sure that our wishes are known, so they can be carried out.  And if its planned in advance, no one is left feeling guilty about knowing if they did the right thing.

To me, it should be a celebration of life, all the way to the end. 
And making sure there are no regrets left sitting out in the open. 
Make things right with your loved ones. 
Tell them all how much you love them.
And smile. 
Always smile.
Even when it hurts.

Hold on to your Hats!

Are you sitting down?

Are you ready for this? 

Hold on to your hats....  this blew my mind!

The latest in Brian's saga:  Yesterday, she asked that
he come over on Saturday afternoon "so they
could work on being friends".
My instinct was -no way in hell- .

Today, she tells him she is asking her "husband"
to move in with her, cuz he has 'no place to go'.  Mmm hmmm. 
That's right, her controlling, abusive husband of 9 years.
Not the baby-daddy of her daughter.
So... now what???
Does anyone else see entrapment of sorts?

PS:   9PM UPDATE --- I guess it isn't happening now.
Holy buckets, can you believe this crap?
It wouldn't even make a crappy TV show!  hahaha