Dear Brian,
Today we're busy marking things down to clearance prices in the hardware department. There are a few things that are a great price! and I wish you were still here with me to install the stuff I'd like to buy.
How I miss your humor and your laugh, and your tolerance of me and my silly ideas when I want to try something new in the house.
Sometimes I'm mad at you for choosing death by suicide. I can't help feeling that we could have helped you work through all your non-feelings and the other bad feelings you had. Sometimes in life we all go through hard times. And we survive through it, and become stronger people for it.
Look at me. I walked away from three different marriages because things didn't work out. Sure some of it may have been my fault, but there were things within each of those men who didn't meet my own needs. After a while, it often felt like I was the one trying to pull a wagon up hill by myself. After a while, a body becomes tired. I know I did. But I didn't opt out of life, just out of those relationships. Because I knew that my family loved and needed me, and I loved and needed them.
No, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you. I know that M did things, manipulated things, and frankly, wasn't very truthful with some things. And this took a toll on you. A very deep toll. But you should know that whatever happened to her, with her, by her, wasn't just on you. It takes two people to make or break a relationship. And when she broke it off with you, it had no bearing on you or your worth. She's the one who messed up and let you go. Because you were a great person, and you did what needed to be done. Every time.
In a very small minded way, I hope she feels guilt over what she did to you.
and shame on me for saying it, but it's how I feel.
I'll keep writing you, and I'll continue to post your stories because I want the rest of the world to know the Brian I knew, and because I don't ever want you to be forgotten.
Love always,
Mom.
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