SOS - A Month Afterward

SOS - Survivors of Suicide
I've been doing a lot of reading and note taking about suicide, or more so, about being a survivor of suicide.    Suicide is such a mess.  It is unbelievable how one person's decision can affect so many lives.   Even as we begin to understand our loved one killed them self in a desperate attempt to end their pain, we often feel that their anguish has not been extinguished but simply passed on to us.

In my own case, my son left a trail of bills to contend with.  He also had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3+ years, causing him to move back home.  A month after, he started dating someone else.  When the ex found out about his dating, it is my belief that she started hounding my son, perhaps making him feel guilty (and he shouldn't have felt any! He's the one who had to vacate the home he'd been living in!)  After Brian died, I was hounded by both of these women!  First they resorted to sending me text messages, then trying to "friend" me on FaceBook.  His ex also had people leaving notes on my car two separate times.  I finally had to send her a text that read "My son DIED!  Please leave me alone to grieve in peace."

The "what ifs" plague survivors of suicide.  A person's decision to end their life is solitary and unconnected to survivors of suicide.  When we accept that it was their choice alone is when we can move past the what if's.  I've done my share of them, wondering if only I'd said "this" or noticed "that".   The loss of a child is devastating.  Suicide is an act of violence - not only against yourself, but against others, the ones left behind to deal with it all.

Sometimes we feel guilty because of what our loved one did;  it shouldn't affect how we think of them or remember them.  That's why I keep writing to Brian, and logging stories as I recall them on a website , to keep him alive in my mind the way he was, and not focusing on his last action.

Suicide leaves in its wake a tremendous sense of confusion and displacement for those of us left behind.  Family members who have lost a loved one to suicide are blamed and avoided more often than relatives of people who have died under other circumstances.  This can reinforce the quiet and self blame that already preoccupies survivors of suicide.  The irrationality of suicide leaves the survivor no room for definitive resolution.

The roller coaster of emotions following a suicide causes intense feelings of isolation and a breaking apart from all that once seemed familiar.  Survivors of suicide experience a wide range of often contradictory emotions following the suicide of a loved one, it's impact alters our lives forever.

There is no easy way to eradicate the pain of grieving.  The toll that suicide exacts on its survivors is very high.   Oddly, my son's final note said that he knew I was strong, and that he wanted me to be happy.  For those of us who have been left behind, the legacy of suicide lies not in reconciling ourselves to inevitable defeat, but in recognizing that our spirit of survival remains both resilient and intact.

My life was forever changed July 2, 2019, but somehow I will survive. 
I know in my heart that my son didn't want to die forever,
just on that day, when he had been in so much pain.