Choosing Different

 Lately, the last thought I have before going to sleep is remembering Chuck.  I'm sure it's because there are left over feelings because things just didn't work out.  Both of us were in places where a move just wasn't possible in the moment; and we were too far apart to get together on occasions ... he was a special man, and a part of me loved him very much.

With all that, I decided that it was time to take care of me.  I was noticing my Fitbit logging my resting heart rate at 66bpms.  In the past, it was usually 60-62, so that indicated to me that I needed to make some changes.  I have cut back on sugar and salt, and watching the foods I eat.  And I'm on the treadmill every day for the past 5 days for a minimum of 15 mins.  My target goal is simple:  Keep my heart rate above 125 for 15 minutes.  Anything else isn't as important.  For now.  Granted, I am still logging my time, distance and average heart rate,  because I'm a numbers person.  Even if the results don't show on scale, or anywhere else, I can track progress through numbers.   Today was day 5, and I wasn't watching the clock, ended up with 20 minutes ;)  I was happy with that! 

Lonesome Thoughts

Dear Brian,

Today we're busy marking things down to clearance prices in the hardware department.  There are a few things that are a great price! and I wish you were still here with me to install the stuff I'd like to buy.

How I miss your humor and your laugh, and your tolerance of me and my silly ideas when I want to try something new in the house.

Sometimes I'm mad at you for choosing death by suicide.  I can't help feeling that we could have helped you work through all your non-feelings and the other bad feelings you had.  Sometimes in life we all go through hard times.  And we survive through it, and become stronger people for it.

Look at me.  I walked away from three different marriages because things didn't work out.  Sure some of it may have been my fault, but there were things within each of those men who didn't meet my own needs.  After a while, it often felt like I was the one trying to pull a wagon up hill by myself.  After a while, a body becomes tired.  I know I did.  But I didn't opt out of life, just out of those relationships.  Because I knew that my family loved and needed me, and I loved and needed them.

No, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you.  I know that M did things, manipulated things, and frankly, wasn't very truthful with some things.  And this took a toll on you.  A very deep toll.  But you should know that whatever happened to her, with her, by her, wasn't just on you.  It takes two people to make or break a relationship.  And when she broke it off with you, it had no bearing on you or your worth.  She's the one who messed up and let you go.  Because you were a great person, and you did what needed to be done.  Every time.

In a very small minded way, I hope she feels guilt over what she did to you.
and shame on me for saying it, but it's how I feel.

I'll keep writing you, and I'll continue to post your stories because I want the rest of the world to know the Brian I knew, and because I don't ever want you to be forgotten.

Love always,
Mom.

Got Zen?

After working in the yard earlier today, I played with my sticks.  That sounds rather amusing, but ... I have a collection of sticks, mostly they came from trees in the yard, branches that have fallen or been cut down, and After a while, I couldn't decide how to store these sticks, so I started arranging them against one of my walls.  And thus grew a tradition of sorts.  Every time I arrange them, they turn out different.  And stacking them precisely so they won't fall down, creating a pattern, all appeals to my sense of order, and adds a little artsy-ness to my yard as well!  
 
Do you have something that's "Zen" for you?  Everyone needs to find their Zen. But what does that mean?  Zen, like Tao, cannot be totally explained in words. Much of your grasp of Zen must necessarily depend on your own intuition.  Everyone has a personal meaning of Zen for them, but overall it means peace, meditation, calmness. We are conditioned to stressing and foreboding and worrying, it's human nature. It's difficult for us as humans, to focus on the moment and find peace or even want it, but we do however, need peace in our lives. It's essential for over all good health, both  mentally and physically.

I found some short instructions for finding your Zen:

Find a quiet place for 10 minutes and breathe deep.  Focus on the moment, and stop worrying.  It's only for 10 minutes!

Take time for yourself.  A mental health day, half day, or even an hour or two is very important to your health -- and you're worth it!

Remind yourself through peace you gain strength.  When you are not calm or peaceful, you can not be productive or maintain energy if you are constantly worrying or stressing. Without peace, there is no calm.  Peace is never weak, beneath its serenity lies a magnitude of strength.

Accept yourself.  Be at peace with who you are.  Stop trying to impress or become someone else.  You have to live up to your own expectations, not anyone else's.

Surround yourself with nature; get out into a park, a place to walk, even your own backyard, and be nurtured by all teh natural beauty in this world.

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good.  Do not keep company with people who discourage you or make you feel down or bad about yourself.  People who judge and criticize you tend to drain you.  These people have a tendency, if they constantly judge you or project your their issues on you,  to suck your energy and leave you feeling lethargic and ill.

Walk light.  Let things go.  When we are angry, upset and hurt, we tend to hold onto it.  We get insulted, we get resentful, our ego will not allow us to let things go, we stay angry.  When you hold on to these negative feelings, you allow for toxins to build within your body.  Letting things go means you are at peace.  So walk with a light step and a lighter heart.

Struggles

This has been a week of struggles.  Work struggles.  Life struggles.  Decision struggles.  I'm not one to dish out a lot of details while I struggle through things.  Sometimes its easier for me to work it through on my own than to think it out loud into the blogosphere. 

With work, its issues with a new managerial staff, and it seems as if each of them has an oar in the water, but no one's paddling in the same direction.  Which results in covering a lot of the same ground over and over again.  Frustrating for people who like to have a clear goal and just get things done.  Very frustrating.

 

With life, its ... well, I'm calling it a growth period.  Now that there aren't major goals on my plate, its time to refine the smaller goals, or find some new goals.  I've been "status quo" for a couple of years now, and its time to branch out in new directions.  I have been doing it in small pieces, local concert in the park, a night hike in the mountains.  Small steps in the right direction :)  I think one of the things that I really need to do is take a vacation by myself.  No kids. No family.  Something and somewhere I really want to go.  When I was home, I didn't get any beach time, so I'm leaning in that direction.  Or maybe some mountains, forest, trees, hiking.  I'll have to do some research.

Decision struggles are self explanatory, yes?   Everyone has decisions to make, from what to have for dinner to what do I want out of life? And sometimes in life, we reach a point where there aren't a lot of choices when  stuck in a rut.  You either do, or don't.  And if you don't like those choices, do you suck it up and keep things as they are?  

Sometimes change is a good thing, a necessary thing, 

no matter how much we don't like it, or want it to happen.  

Sometimes change helps us grow into the next phase. 

“Sometimes good things 

fall apart so better things 

can fall together.” 

-Marilyn Monroe