Fade to Black

Ever since Brian discovered the band Metallica, his favorite member was James Hetfield.  He wrote the lyrics to their song "Fade to Black".   At work today, my MP3 player going (because it's a holiday and things are quieter than usual), and I heard the song.  It has always moved me, and I imagine that it affected Brian as well.  

James Hetfield commented on the song in a 1991 interview with "Guitar World":   

That song was a big step for us. It was pretty much our first ballad, so we knew it would freak people out... Recording that song, I learned how frustrating acoustic guitar can be. You could hear every squeak, so I had to be careful. I wrote the song at a friend's house in New Jersey. I was pretty depressed at the time because our gear had just been stolen, and we had been thrown out of our manager's house for breaking shit and drinking his liquor cabinet dry. It's a suicide song, and we got a lot of flak for it, as if kids were killing themselves because of the song. But we also got hundreds of letters from kids telling us how they related to the song and that it made them feel better.

There is nothing harder on a family, and especially on a mother, when someone chooses death by suicide.  There are so many details that need to be addressed, and at the same time, there is this huge ugly "taboo" on the topic.  People don't want to discuss suicide or the person who chose it, as if it's catchy -- like a cold.   And maybe that's why it becomes the hardest part for those left behind:  no one wants to talk to about it, and you're left feeling like  no one cares, because of the lack of talk.  

I know that there's nothing I wouldn't give to have my son back.  But it's not going to happen. So I go on as best I can.  If you're not familiar with the tune, you can listen here .  Here are the lyrics to "Fade to Black" 

Life it seems to fade away

Drifting further everyday

Getting lost within myself

Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live

Simply nothing more to give

There is nothing more for me

Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be

Missing one inside of me

Deathly loss this can't be real

Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me

To the point of agony

Growing darkness taking dawn

I was me but now, he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late

Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed

Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

Goodbye

The Wall

Dear Brian:

When someone you love is gone, what do you keep?  Memories, of course.  Photos.  When it's a child, I have three of your writing projects from high school.  Your love of music was a huge part of who you were; you always wore t-shirts from bands:  Metallica and AC/DC.  Giving them away wasn't an option.  So we framed the artwork on them and they look fantastic. 

It took me a lot of time to figure out the layout to hang them on the wall.  It wasn't until I went to Hobby Lobby to get a shadowbox frame for the Space Camp medal that I came across two things that set this wall off:  A Rock n Roll street sign, and two 4x4 frames that suspend from a chain.  I knew that they were "you" and would create a terrific wall. 

There are 5 Metallica T-shirts, 

one from AC/DC (Back in Black), 

and a T-shirt covered with guitars.  

It's a nice arrangement, and definitely "looks" like you.  

As I look back on things, I remember when you first moved back home, you were ... what's the word ... despondent.  You didn't unpack your things, and I felt like I had to get you moving in that direction.  I didn't push too hard because at first you said you were moving back in with her after things got settled.  If only I had ..... well, I could fill fill that in may ways.  But I didn't; I was trying to be a good roommate and let you work things through when I should have listened to a mother's intuition.  Then again, maybe that would have only been a temporary solution, and things would have gone this way no matter what ??   That's something I'll never know, something I'll have to live with "until we meet again". 

Love you always,
Mom