Letter of Updates

Dear Brian,

It's Tuesday today, and I'm off work tomorrow, which makes this sort of my Friday?  and it feels odd not to eat pizza  (haha old family joke!)  Moments go by, sometimes hours even, when the entire hurt of thinking about you isn't first and foremost on my mind.  And therein lies my original fear:  that you will be forgotten.  Truthfully, I know that you're not forgotten by anyone, but like me, they're moving on with their lives and stop using the internet as a touchstone to your accounts.  But it doesn't stop me from making sure my thoughts are written down. 

I once thought that they would be here for you and Tee to read when I'm gone; that my so called "wisdom" would be passed down.  Or that you would know more about me than ever before.  Now that you're in heaven, I'm assuming you know it all now. 

My thoughts are muddled at the moment because I was awake at 1:40 am, and didn't fall back asleep until after 4am.  So I'm tired after working all day, and the Melatonin I take to help me sleep kicks in quickly. 

I'm traveling to Grandma's next week.  I'm sure trimming the tree will be a part of the agenda.  It will be extremely difficult to be there without you.  Sadie will stay in a Pet Hotel, because I can't drive with her in the car any longer, so I'm flying in and out.  Short trip, but needed.  I told the family that I don't want to "do" stuff when I'm there.  I'm content to just hang out and actually rest.  I'm going to bring Grandma a puzzle, and all the old Dr Seuss books for Zane. 




I look at your photos often,
even watch the video I made
now and then. 
I still have a hard time watching the portion
of you playing Freebird. 

How I miss you. 

Every single day.



Love,
Mom

Checklist, Groudhogs & Candlemas (2008)

Checklist - Jan 30, 2008

Current mood:anxious
Its getting down to counting days now until I load up a truck, and actually do the move. And since its getting closer, I'm beginning to check things off the list that are actually getting done.

• Turn in notice to apartment - Check! 
• Call and confirm the truck rental and dates - Check! 
• Make a list of the things that need to get done for the day they need doing - Check! 

Making a list helps me, makes me feel like I'm making some progress in the right direction. My apartment application was approved, so now I know where I will live. That's a huge relief right there :) My biggest concern is driving the darn truck, though. Sure, I can drive in a straight line while towing my car, but ... backing up? Weigh stations? those will be issues. Along with driving in the mountains. I'm trying to avoid doing that. I remember what it was like when I moved to Ohio, but I was only following the truck! not actually driving it. But it was still harrowing for me to watch as it glided down the mountain, and seemed to be way too fast, in my opinion.

*takes a deep breath* Yes, I know I can do this,
I just need to tighten up those old boot straps......
6:57 PM

Groundhogs & Candlemas - Feb 1, 2008

Current mood:ditzy

Since the middle ages, Feb 2 has been known as Candlemas, an old feast day when candles were blessed and sent home with parishioners so that Divine Light could direct their earthly steps.  February 2 is also the midpoint in winter; and also known as Groundhog's Day.    When I started looking up information on each of these events -- suffice it to say there is plenty written.  

In weather lore, if a groundhog emerges from its burrow on this day, and fails to see its shadow because the weather is cloudy, winter will soon end.  If the groundhog sees its shadow, it will return into its burrow, and winter will continue for six more weeks.  Personally, I'm not much of a fan of this ... and maybe that's because I've not ever seen the groundhog peek up and give a look 'round.  If I had, I might be a little more jazzed about this one.  

When I read about Candlemas, it got me thinking back to when I was young, and the electricity would go out.  Mom would get out the candles, and we'd sit at the kitchen table, sharing the light, and talking, or playing a simple card game to pass the time.  While I'm sure that it was an inconvenience to adults, to kids it seemed rather magical -- something different, and we had no control or choice in the matter (unless we wanted to go to bed in the very dark! and who did?? haha)  But now that I'm the adult, and yes, I did my fair share of lighting candles and entertaining kids at the dining room table, my view on candles is different.  Every room, and each person, looks beautiful in candlelight.  Candlelight just makes the whole atmosphere seem special -- probably because we don't do it often enough.  Light a few candles tomorrow night .... and observe. Like moths drawn to a flame, in candlelight, we move closer to one another.  

One of the nicest folk customs I found online:  place a lighted candle in each and every window of the house, beginning at sundown on Candlemas Eve (Feb 1), allowing them to continue burning until sunrise.  (ok, I would cheat and use the electric type candles... just for safety).  What a cheery sight on a cold, bleak and dreary night to see house after house with candle lit windows!  (borrowed from Mike Nichols)   I'd love to see this in a town.

Since I've already packed my electric candles, and since its already past sundown, I may have to save this for another year. But, I'll be lighting a few candles Saturday night, just for a little cheery atmosphere (and that will be a few less things I have to pack up!! )  

 May your beauty shine in candlelight today!!!

5:17 PM

Traditions

Today is a better busy day.  For me it was a "traditions" day.    Cranberry Splash in my glass;  Christmas Vacation on the TV, and wrapping presents.   Most of mine get sent out of town, so they have to be ready and wrapped early on.  After 15 Holiday Seasons as a retail worker, I've come to understand that's just how it is.  I've spent 2 of the last 15 holidays with my family.  Ten years ago I flew home to see my parents because my Dad had been ill.  And last year when my Dad died.  That's not many holidays with family, but that means I've had to create my own traditions.

Because retail stores are closed Christmas Day, (at least they are for now) it's usually the day I spend on me.  In years past when I had a perm, that was the day I gave myself a perm, loaded up DVD after DVD and just chilled out.  Many times alone, because my kids would spend the holiday with their own dad.  Acceptance comes when you have no choice in the matter.  And in the long run, it's all ok.

When my kids were little, they would usually return for New Years.   New Years Eve was usually crammed full of traditions.  We would have an early afternoon supper, then open Christmas gifts.  That night it would be rounds of Bingo (with prizes, of course!) and "make your own sundaes" with every known topping (and boy could the kids make messy sundaes!)  And then it would be midnight, a brand new year, and the holiday season behind us.

When you're not a traditional family, you find ways to make things work.  You create traditions that can be carried out on any day, not only on the exact holiday.  It's my biggest hope that my kids remember these traditions fondly.  I know I sure do!

Merry Christmas Eve!

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve has always been full of traditions in our family.  Granted, this year feels a little bit different, not having Dad here with us.  Of course, the other thing that's different is that I am home; I have only spent one other Christmas with my family since 1997.  Because we shot up here in a real big hurry, we came unprepared for a celebration.

But my Aunt and I are --very-- good shoppers!  We get a notion in our head, and zoom off to the store, where we typically find what we're looking for!  It was the same again this morning when we ventured out.  My mom's sister in MN wanted my Aunt to find an LED Garden Angel so that was our purpose this morning.... and on the spur of the moment, we dashed into a local nursery where we found two of them... for 75% off!   heh talk about being in the right spot at the right time!!

The other focus this morning was getting some carpenter's pencils.  When I was growing up, being the oldest it was often my job to help Dad hold things while he cut, measured, or whatever else.  But no matter the project, he had a carpenter's pencil to make his mark.  So I bought several so that each of us could have one in memory of my Dad.  :)

We will enjoy a family meal of Swedish Meatballs, then head over to church to sing carols by candlelight.  Afterward its snacks and opening gifts.  Every year when I am here, I create a scavenger hunt for a gift.  This year, my "victim" is Triston.  It should be fun and entertaining, a good distraction from ... all the other things going on here. 

Family matters.... spend some time with yours!

It's little moments that create a lifetime of memories,

may you make bunches of memories this holiday season!