Treadmill Test

The fear of the unknown can produce a lot of anxiety.  And for me, doctor visits are one of those things that can make me a bit crazy.  Today, I had a treadmill stress test.  I used to be a daily gym rat, and still think I hold my own when it comes to walking on a treadmill.  I have my own "Beast" and while I don't use it as often as I should, I do use it.  I walk every day with Sadie, and am constantly on the move while at work.  So a treadmill test shouldn't produce a whole lot of anxiety.  But there was a bit.

I wore my favorite workout shirt that says "Sweat today, smile tomorrow" and my fav Asics.  I walked into the room and the treadmill wasn't what I would call "state of the art" equipment.  Just the walking belt and a hand rail.  Personally, I was hoping it would have controls that *I* would be able to choose speed and incline, but no such luck.  Darn.

The tech hooked me up to all the EKG cords and I was hoping that would be it, but nope.  She also hooked up a blood pressure cuff.  On a good day, I don't enjoy how tight they pump it up, but when my anxiety is up, it feels like it's trying to choke my arm off!   She also explains that the target heart rate goal is 160 BPM. Um ..... what???  In my personal workouts, 150 is about my max.  Ok, we'll give this a try. 

Hopped on the treadmill and she gets it going.  Incline goes up, speed is about 3 mph.  That's the norm for me on a long workout and I thought "I got this".  Then she starts pumping to take my blood pressure and the cuff feels too tight.  Then 3 minutes into the workout, the ramp goes up, and the speed goes up.  Yikes, here we go!  About 5 minutes in, she asks me to read a chart on the wall and tell her what my comfort/discomfort level is.  She's taking my blood pressure again, and here goes the tight cuff feeling again. Ugh.  Then I'm thinking about how my legs are beginning to feel heavy, but worse, trying to get air into my lungs because I'm wearing this stupid COVID mask ......  

She's reading my heart rate out loud to me, 155, 156, almost done .... *walk*walk*breathe* *walk*pant*pant*pant*  .... 157, 158 ... *pant*pant*pant* .... 159, 160!   OK, we're done she tells me, hang on, I'll slow the treadmill.  "Are you doing OK?" she asks me once it stops.  I'm sucking in breaths, trying to slow my heart rate.  And stepping carefully off the treadmill because I'm wearing my reading glasses (which causes a few issues with my depth perception on uneven surfaces).   

Sneaking a peek at the computer chart, it took me 7:50 minutes to get to my target heart rate, and 3:40 to return my heart rate to my normal post workout rate of 120.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad from a doctor's standpoint, but I was happy with it.

 

So if you're being scheduled for a treadmill test, don't sweat it.  It's not as bad as it sounds!

Real LIfe Turnabouts

Life doesn't always take the shortest route to whatever's next, nor does it take the quickest route.  It seems that in most cases it takes the long route, the one that tests our patience, or some of our abilities to focus, to get something accomplished.  And in fact, if you're like me, it drives us crazy as we try to deal with changes or try to maneuver our way around the changes happening.  It makes me absolutely crazy at times!

There are many changes happening at work, and I'm at a strange place.  For the time being, my position is "safe" from the changes, which means my actual job title or any changes aren't affecting me.  However, with the rest of the changes in personnel and positions, my job has become busier!   Which makes me a little bit crazy, especially with the holiday shopping daze fast approaching.

On top of work changes, there are weather changes.  I've lived in the Valley of the Sun for 12 years now, and this has been the quickest transition from summer heat to winter cold.  We went from temps close to 100 to a high of 65 the very next day, and very windy.  The next morning .... frost on the rooftops!   I went from running the AC to needing the heat turned on.  In a "normal" year, we get 30-40 days of weather temps that transition from the end of AC season before starting the heat needed season.  

Being over 60 has also brought other kinds of changes.  I'm at a weird limbo - too early to retire, but wanting to be retired and do something else!  I've come to a conclusion that I need to be living with Mom.  If I was retired, we could be having some fun, hanging out.  I keep bouncing back and forth between doing one thing or the other.  I'm torn about selling my home, but I think it's time to get out.  I've updated everything, and hope I'll get my money out of it.  I should probably update the kitchen counter and sink at the very least.  Maybe I'll get that done in the spring.  

My normal day off is Weds, and work will be closed on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, so that's 2 days off in a row.  I think I'll be painting my bedroom those days.  Will also be a good time to thin things out and decide on what I want to keep or toss.  That's a toughie for me, but I'll get through it.  

No matter whether you choose Plan A, or Plan B, Real Life always throws in curves, twists and turns, and even sometimes a U-turn.  Which makes navigating this thing called Life a bit on the rough side.  But somehow we all come through it -- one way or another!

Time vs No Time

 As we grow older, our perspective on time seems to change.  When I first bought my house 10 years ago, I still worked the same 40 hour week.  I still had household chores and such to do each week, and yet back then I seemed to find time to sit in the sun and read for a half hour.  I seemed to find time to do some of the things I enjoyed, like crafting, writing, or working on my photos.  

Lately, it seems that I don't take the time, or maybe I don't *make* the time to do those things.  It's like living in some kind of limbo - as if I'm waiting for something to happen.  Sure, I am still doing things; it's not like I lie on the couch eating bonbons and bingeing Netflix on my days off.  But it seems as if my priorities have shifted, or that the amount of caring I put into getting things done seems to have slipped. 

So how do we get that back??

I've tried making lists.  If I write it down somewhere in hard copy, maybe it will "guilt" me into getting something accomplished.  Like today.  I seemed to have lost my "git up and go".  Sure, the laundry got done, the grocery shopping got done, I even managed to begin repairs on a board for my patio overhang that needs to be patched and repainted.  Maybe it's the drive to get things done that's gone by the wayside?

Maybe I've taken on too much.  I know my job at work has shifted several times in the last six months, and reacting to the changes takes a lot more effort than it used to. But that's at work.  What about at home? Where has my motivation gone?  I Googled, and found a list of ideas for what to do when you've lost your drive:

• Change Your Scenery to Take Your Mind Off the Problem.
• Get Back to Basics. Remind Yourself Why You Started.
• Reset Your Focus with New (and Improved) Intentions.
• Choose to Adopt a Positive Mindset.
• Surround Yourself With Passionate People.
• Have a WTF Attitude About Everything You Do.
• Be Patient.

Not each item on the list would apply in every scenario, but admitting one's faults is usually the first step in finding a solution to correcting the problem.  I know that I can (1) lighten up on myself at work and how much I'm attempting to accomplish in any given 8 hour shift.  (2) remind myself why I need to do what needs doing and yes, (3) be patient.   Not every day off work needs to be filled with things that need to get done, so relax a bit, prioritize even, and do what's most important first, leaving a little time for things that are enjoyable.  You only get one life.  Make it count.

Back to the Future

Friday night, and I'm relaxing while watching Back to the Future, now on Netflix.  Back to the Future, the movie, was released in 1985.  I remember going to Oakridge Mall to watch the movie with my husband and my sister and her fiance.  At the time it felt like an odd "double date" but boy did we enjoy the movie!  Michael J Fox was incredible, and so was the music!!  Huey Lewis' Power of Love was a mega hit.  It's been 35 years since it was first released, and I still enjoy this movie!   Christopher Lloyd as the eccentric Doc Brown was perfectly cast! 

It's amazing what memories comes up when you watch an iconic film like this.  In many ways, I feel like I was in my 20s all over again.   So many classic lines in the movie make me smile even when I've seen them several times.  

While I wasn't a huge fan of part II,  I enjoyed part III very much!  Scenes of them in the "old west" with the scheme of knowing things from 1985 and yet still being back in 1885 ....  it's a well written and thoroughly enjoyable movie!  If you haven't seen it, you should.  It will make you smile too! 

Little Steps vs Giant Leap

Little steps are sometimes easier than one giant leap!  When it comes to making decisions ... over the years, I've usually been pretty certain that I'm making the right move.  When I decided that I needed to move to Arizona, the pieces fell into place as we moved through each phase of planning.  When I wanted to purchase a home, again the pieces fell into place.  Each time it was as if it was meant to be.  I didn't have a whole lot of doubts and just forged ahead and it happened.  

But this time, I have so many doubts and am uncertain which move is the right move.  Frankly, I think the best move is for my mother to come live in AZ.  It still means moving to a different house, but that would work for me.  Especially if we moved closer to my daughter and family. 

Me moving into my mother's house just ... I don't know, doesn't seem like it would work.  I have a lot of stuff, but she has WAY more and is even more attached to things.  Getting rid of stuff just isn't in her DNA.  Last night I spent part of the late hours trying to figure out how or where to put my desktop computer.  I use it a LOT and need internet access.  In my home, I have an ethernet cable.  At her house, the router is in the main living room and getting a cable from there to the family room would be nearly impossible.  So then what???  or rather, where ??? 

All my stuff ... what would I do with it?  And living in Cali, not my favorite place which is why I left in the first place.  Living expenses are high.  But having the old family home would be incredible.  Until the rest of the family moves away.   Then what???

Lawd, it's not easy to figure things out.  Except one fact remains:  I'm the one who has to give up her house.  Makes me sad, because this was my 'forever home' in my own mind.  

However, after much thought and a few days later after starting this thread, I've come to a decision on how to give us a little time on making that decision.  I'm going to make more trips to see Mom, that might make things easier.  Maybe she can make a better informed decision if I'm there more often to encourage her.

So with that decided, I'll be able to sleep better tonight, and work on my little home projects over the next two days off work!!  

Sometimes it's all about little steps before the big leap.

Fresh Cut Wood (Day 5)

 Assignment:  Use sense of smell to bring you back to a favorite memory

Being over 60, I could choose a lot of different scents to bring back a memory.  But the one that's the strongest for me is the smell of fresh cut wood.  Growing up, my father was always the 'handyman', repairing things, fixing things, and making things.  One of the things I remember him making for me is a custom wooden Barbie carrier.  It was about 11x14.  It opened into two equal parts on golden hinges.  The left side was divided into three equal sections; it would hold three different Barbie dolls.  The right side was the place to hold clothes. There was a small hook at the top to hang her different dresses, and small compartments on the bottom to hold her shoes and accessories.  It was stained walnut, then varnished to a high gloss.  

When I smell more fresh cut wood, the second thing I recall is when he put shelves on my bedroom wall.  4 shelves to hold my books and special trinkets.  Another thing fresh cut wood brings to mind is building the family room add on.  I was out there as often as I could be, helping him cut and hammer pieces into place.  And after the room was complete, the stone fireplace was stacked with fresh cut wood, to keep us warm on cool winter evenings. 

My son inherited my Dad's woodworking skills.  He became the 'handyman' of the house, and could build or fix things just like Dad.  He worked in the lumber department at Home Depot and when he came home from work, giving him a hug, I could smell fresh cut wood on his clothes. 

If someone made a candle that smells like fresh cut wood, I would buy all of them! It is the most comforting smell to me.  I miss both of them dearly. 

Just One Word (Day 4)

 Assignment:  Think up a word that sparks vivid imagery for you .. or maybe a favorite word, and write about it using the five senses.

I chose the word Serendipity.

Serendipity tastes like a chocolate bar, smooth, creamy texture, sweetness exploding across my tongue.  Each bite brings new pleasures. 

To me, serendipity smells like freshly washed laundry, hung on the line to dry in the sunshine beneath a blazing blue sky with puffy white clouds. 

If I was going to gaze at serendipity, it would be in a redwood forest of trees, the contrast of light and dark, sunshine and shadows; cool in the shade, warm in the sunshine.  The pine needles lining the forest floor release their musky wooded scent as I walk along.

Serendipity is sleek to the touch; like running fingers through the silky hairs of a favorite pet, or across the curved fender of an old car painted black. 

The sound of serendipity as it rolls off the tongue brings to mind gentle rolling hills covered in fresh green grass, as far as the eye can see.  

Writing Through Touch (Day 3)

Assignment:  With dirt or baking soda and a spoon, near a sink.  Close your eyes and pick up the spoon, explore it.  Cover your hands with baking soda or dirt, close your eyes and describe how it feels.  What else could this be?  Wash your hands, feel the water between your hands and the spoon...

I close my eyes and think about the possibilities, and what comes to mind is planting flowers, or in my case, a small cactus.  As my hand closes around the handle of the spoon, it will function as a trowel as I begin to get my hands dirty.  The wooden handle of the spoon is smooth and worn; I've used this spoon many times over the years.  The dirt is soft and spongy; the smell that rises is damp earth.  Breaking up the dirt that has clumped together with my hands, I feel a connection to Mother Earth.  Growing things seems to run in my blood, back through generations of farmers.  Handling the cactus carefully, holding it by the roots, loosening up the root system, it's ready to plant.  With the spoon in hand, I scoop dirt carefully around the cactus that I've named "Spike".  Tamping down the dirt, adding more spoonfuls of dirt to fill the container, tamping it down again.

Cleanup is simple.  Turning on the hose, I rinse my hands under the cool water, rubbing them together, the water burbles out.  It brings me back to my youth, playing in the backyard and getting a drink from the hose, water running crystal clear, with a slight taste of rubber from the hose.  Hands washed, I give Spike a drink and hope he's happy in his new home. 

Food, Glorious Food (Day 2)

Assignment:  I hope you came hungry, or have a great food memory at hand, because today we’re going to practice writing through our taste buds!

When I think about food -- ok, I'll admit, I think of it probably more than I should -- the one day that comes to mind when it comes to food is Thanksgiving.  One of the best holidays of the year:  there are no gift giving requirements.  All that matters is being with family, being thankful for all we've been given during the year, and having a great meal to celebrate.  

When you're young, Thanksgiving wakes you with Mom in the kitchen beginning her day looking at a (hopefully) thawed out turkey that needs to be stuffed and basted, the sound of celery being chopped and sausage frying on the stove.  The smell is glorious, and brings up an anticipation that continues to build from there.  The bread was cubed the day before and is ready to be mixed with the sausage, onion, and celery and stuffed into the bird.  Once the bird is popped into the oven, it won't be long before the smells drift through the house, creating a bit more mouth watering anticipation.

Of course, there's always setting the table - fancy dishes and silverware, pretty crystal goblets that gleam in the light.  Maybe some pretty flowers, or a cornucopia in the center of the table.  Counting out chairs so there's a place for everyone.

Turkey isn't the only thing on the menu.  Mashed potatoes, gravy, yams with those little marshmallows on top... cooked to a golden brown.  The meal is never complete without some kind of cranberry sauce, whether you like it fresh or prefer it to be from a can, holding it's shape and looking like some kind of jello.  And yes!  There's always room for jello.  When I was young, mom made lime jello with shredded carrots in it.  I've never figured out the real appeal for that, but I always enjoyed it. 

For me, the icing on the cake would be the home made rolls.  As a grownup, I'm partial to really good breads, and I think mom's rolls are the reason why.  The smell of bread cooking brings back so many memories of the house I grew up in and the people in my family.  For me, the ultimate comfort food.  For some, bread is just what's holding the delicious insides together.  But I enjoy bread, plain or buttered.  When bread is in the oven, everyone knows it!

No Thanksgiving meal is complete without pumpkin pie with whipped cream.  Some years, we were ready for dessert right after the meal, but most years we were willing to wait a while before trying to stuff ourselves with anything else.  Whether you think of pumpkin as a fruit or a vegetable, when you mix is up with spices and condensed milk, and bake it in the oven, it's delicious.  Topped with some whipped cream (not Cool Whip) it's the perfect end to a glorious meal. 

Journey Through the Senses (Day 1)

Assignment:  For our first day, we are going to go dark -- literally. We’ll take a break from our sense of sight so we can pay attention to everything our other senses are telling us.

As I sit and think about this assignment, what comes to mind is my morning walk with Sadie.  Because it's so early, the sun hasn't come up to lighten the sky.  Lamp posts leave a pool of light on each corner, but it's dark in between.  I can see stars for miles, and every now and then I catch a shooting star!  

With every step I'm aware of things around me because the neighborhood is still quiet and sleepy.  The occasional sound of traffic on the distant streets reaches me from time to time.  Sadie's dog tags jangle with each step, which sometimes awaken a few of the neighborhood dogs who bark once or twice.  Friday mornings bring the clang of dumpsters being emptied.  Some days there's rustling under a bush, or up in the tree.  I imagine it's a critter or a bird, telling it's young that it's time to start the day. 

Now that summer is over, there's a slight chill in the air.  The air near the park is a few degrees cooler than the asphalt and sidewalks, which hold the heat from the day before.  Sprinklers that kick on bring the scent of wet grass, or wet desert.  Creosote when it gets damp has a very unique smell, very pleasant to me.  Sometimes the scent of houses wafts its way out:  one neighbor must smoke indoors; Julie does laundry early and I can smell her dryer sheets drifting along in a breeze; a really good morning might bring the scent of bacon frying .... makes my mouth water every time! 

Since it's dark, I don't use my sense of touch for much - perhaps to pat Sadie if there's another dog nearby just to let her know that she doesn't need to bark.  In the desert, many of our creatures are nocturnal, so reaching out and touching something ... well, this old Gal doesn't do it!

We are very dependent on visual cues as we navigate our way through our days.   We've all heard the saying "Stop and smell the roses."  I think that's just another euphemism to remind you to use your other senses more often.  Tune in and listen to sounds, or smell what's in the air.  Challenge yourself to take notice of these things.  You'll be happy you did.  :)

Busy, but Still Sad

 Dear Brian,

It's October now, and we're rolling quickly into the holiday season.  There are so many things going on, and it's times like this when I wish time would slow down -- or have a day where it kinda stops! -- because I feel like there isn't time for me to sit and think.  About you.  About should haves and would haves.  And about what the next phase is going to be.  

Grandma is struggling more and more.  Technology is beyond her grasp at times and she worries when she can't get the info she needs.  And it's little things, like calling the bank.  Before COVID, you could just visit your branch and see a banker with your questions or issues.  Now, half the branches are closed, and you need an appointment to even get inside the bank.  Withdrawals are only done thru an ATM and she doesn't know how to use that, either.   I help as much as I can but it isn't easy long distance.

I need to somehow get a vacation to Cali in between all the work issues and doc visits that are scheduled.  Maybe the second week of Nov.   I just need to decide and go for it.  

I had to call Joe from across the street to help me with the new fridge.  I just couldn't figure out those weird little compression fittings.  I hate it that you're not here to help.  And I'm still sad over that.  It makes me wish over and over that I could have helped, or that I could have said something to make a difference ....  *sigh*

I loved you, will always love you.  And I miss you like craaaazy! 

Love, Mom