Holidays are Hard

 Here it is, Thanksgiving Eve.  Holidays can be hard on everyone, for a variety of reasons.  We all have difficulties with events that happened, or didn't happen, during the holidays.  For me, the death of my son has had the biggest impact. No matter how much time has gone by, it's during the holidays when I feel the ache of it the most  This year, the loss of my sister as well as my beloved pug, Sadie, and I feel even more alone.  Not in the lonely kind of alone. I've always enjoyed being independent and am comfortable with my own company.  It's just hard knowing that things have changed, and won't ever be the same.

Yes, I know, the first thing most people say is "get another dog".  Some folks say that one doesn't replace the one who's gone.   For me, while having a dog was a good comfort and good company, it wasn't fair to her that I would be gone to work for nearly 10 hours a day.  And when I was home, it was chores and a walk and to bed.  I wasn't enough company for her, so the thought of another dog is shelved until my working situation changes.  (May 29, 2026 can't come fast enough for me!!!! haha)

My work schedule is a killer to keep up with during the holidays!  Working retail is difficult enough, but when you add in all the extra items that need to be stocked for customers to buy, and top it off with unhappy customers who are trying to shop and can't find something - well, they can be downright *r*u*d*e* this time of year.  Retail workers - or anyone else who works in a service industry - get the short end of the stick this time of year, and it can take a toll on a person's well being. 

This year, many stores are closing for Thanksgiving Day - but that didn't take the pressure off retail. Instead, I ended up working my normal day off (Weds) so I'm still working a full 40 hours.  On top of it, I have to be at work Friday at 4am so that we're ready for 5am shoppers.  This just isn't fun any more! 

But being that it's Thanksgiving, and time to give thanks, I am certainly grateful that I have a job, an income to support my home.  But I'm more thankful that I still have my mom to talk to every day, that the rest of the family is happy and healthy.  I'm happy that my own health is good, as well.  My heart stress test and echocardiogram results were good, no known issues to be found.  And in the bigger picture, I'm grateful for all the doctors and nurses and essential workers who have kept going during this pandemic.  

2020 has been quite the year, and I'm ready to have it over and done with.  I'm not sure what 2021 will hold, but I'm ready, so bring it on.  May you and your family be healthy and happy during this holiday season!  Stay safe and stay well.  

Goodbye Sadie!

It is with a sad heart that I had to say goodbye to Sadie. 

It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  Right before my trip, she got very, very ill after I got home from work Sunday evening.  She has had bouts of diarrhea issues off and on, and it seemed like I could find an explanation for all of them.  Knowing differently now, I wonder if she hadn't been ill longer than I thought.  Yes.  She had a checkup at her vet every six months (because pugs are notorious for having health issues, generally speaking).  She had been to the vet in September and nothing was noted or found.  When I got home, I let her outside; without getting gross, she wasn't doing well at all for a couple hours.  I made an appointment and took her to the vet first thing Monday morning.  Of course, without doing some kind of major workup re: blood panels and xrays, etc, the vet didn't find anything wrong; Sadie wasn't lethargic nor acting ill in any way.  He gave her a shot of antibiotics to cover what might be upsetting her GI system.  And it seemed to be OK.  She ate her meals Mon and Tues night, we took our normal walk each morning.  

On Weds morning, we took two walks before I was taking her to PetHotel.  After she'd been there an hour, they called and said she had bloody urine.  Based on what I'd seen on Sunday, I figured this was just a side affect of the shot, and they said they would monitor her.  Thursday morning, I got a call, she was sick; they took her to their vet office and did first a urinalysis, then a complete blood panel workup.  They found her platelet level so low that her blood wouldn't clot.  It wasn't good and she was so ill that they didn't feel she would survive the night; our only option was to send her to the ER Vet, and they quoted us $2k to see if they could find out what was wrong.  And the vet said that even after spending that amount didn't mean whatever was wrong was fixable.  

There is never a more difficult decision than to say goodbye to your pet.  My Sadie was with me for 8 years.  Today, without her here, I didn't realize just how much having her around made choices about what I do on my days off!!  

I'm sure she's happy in doggie heaven, she'll be romping around with Roxy and the rest of our pets who've crossed over the Rainbow Bridge.  I loved her very much, and hope she's no longer in pain from her illness.

Accomplishments & ECG

It must have to do with my upbringing, but accomplishments are my own personal measurement of good, bad, or ugly days.  I work a full time job, and come home exhausted mentally and/or physically most days, so my accomplishments on my personal time aren't much during the week.  On my days off, I keep lists of the things I want or need to get done.  They keep me on track; it would be so easy to just binge TV on a non-working day and rest.  But I'm never happy when it happens, because I measure my days by my accomplishments! 

Today was a good day for me:  walked Sadie, cleaned my room, cleaned out two drawers in my bathroom and re-lined them with new contact paper along with getting rid of expired and unnecessary items as well.  Then I did the same in my closet, removing clothing that I haven't worn in ages, don't need any longer.  Then I moved on to Brian's room, and created a box for "to be donated" items.  I also got one of the items crossed off my list, painting the board they replaced when putting on my new roof.  

It's been a busy day, and mentally checking things off my TO DO list and counting accomplishments make for a good day.  Which makes me feel ... better about things in general. 

One of the reasons that have been motivating me to be reflective about accomplishments is that I've been having heart tests:  an EKG, a treadmill test and this week, an echo cardiogram.  I could 'see' my heart beating on the screen.  The tech turned the volume on a few times and I could hear my own heart beating as I lay on the exam table.  Techs won't tell you that things are fine, nor will they mention a problem they may have noticed.  They just do the test and forward it to the doc.  Now I wait for another 12 days until my appointment with him.   I don't wait very well, as I get older, my patience isn't what it used to be.  

Until then, I'll just keep working on my TO DO list, racking up accomplishments so that I feel good about each day!