Finding My Way

Some days I just go through the motions:  work, eat, sleep, with a couple of errands in between the mundane.  But I have moments where I know that's not enough "life" for me, or for anyone.  I try my hand at a few hobbies to give me purpose, and joy.  I paint rocks as part of the Kindness Rocks movement to leave around town and that lets me be creative and also brings smiles to other people.  That's a good thing.    I take my walks around town in the local parks, sometimes taking photos and that feeds my creativity and walking is good exercise.  Another good thing.  

And yet I still feel something missing. 

Sometimes I find myself getting into a writing mode where I can sit down and write here on the blog, or maybe just working on a creative writing story.  Sometimes I try to challenge myself:  write every day, walk every day, paint every day.  Because doing things keeps me going. 

I enjoy my job but get bogged down in the day to day crap that seems to go around; it's an effort to take myself out of all of that.  But when I do that, I'm also perceived as being "The Bitch" .....  but I can't be a fake me with all the smiling and asking how someone is every day.  Because I'm that person at work who if I say "How are you?"  most of them proceed to tell me exactly how they are, and I really don't want to know because I have issues of my own to deal with.  *sigh*   sometimes you just can't win.

So I go through my days and time passes as I muddle through my hobbies and my household chores or my work day.  Sometimes I convince myself that I have many things left in me that need to be said before I'm no longer here on Earth.  Other times I figure no one really needs to hear my silly ramblings.  

Time to take myself off to bed - another fun filled work day tomorrow, then I'm off for two days! WooHoo.

Ooops! I Slipped!

We all slip.  It can be disappointing, but it's not the end of the world.  That's what I'm telling myself today.    Because I slipped.

My self challenge of having a better mental attitude at work went down the drain today.  Another of my team called out sick.  Because I didn't complete all of Monday's tasks, I was starting the day behind the 8-ball, and another call out just added to it.  I could barely hold my thoughts behind the tongue I was biting all day long. 

Even the customers were getting on my nerves today!  I was trying to straighten up the clearance aisle (because that's my task 3xday) and a very inconsiderate customer parked her cart in the middle of the aisle halfway down.  So I did what I could up to where she was but she didn't look like she was going to budge.  So I finally grabbed my equipment and headed back to grab more items for clearance.  When I got back to my clearance aisle, she was gone and I let out a huge sigh of relief.  But that relief only lasted about minutes before she came back.  With her adult daughter pushing a second cart.  They both parked again and just stood there.  Again, I worked as far as I could, then grabbed my equipment and headed to the back again.  I was so frustrated by this point that I grabbed my Kindle and headed out the door, walked across the parking lot, and headed to Wendy's for lunch!  

I decided to leave the clearance aisle until I get back to it on Thursday!!!  

Some days, I just can't seem to keep my mind on the part of mental attitude where I don't get upset over specifics!  Yes.  Some days are harder than others, and we all slip now and then.   And because I slipped, I'm not going to feel guilty, I'm just going to try to make the next day a better day! 

Because I Matter

Second day on my self imposed new attitude when it comes to work.  My phone rang at 5am and I was told that one of my workers called off.  We are a team of 4 people, so 32 hours a day of work that keeps all of us very busy.  Monday is the one day when there are only 2 covering the four shifts.  Having one call off means I was left to do it all on my own.  

I covered the first five hours covering the shift of the one who called off.  Then I had to do my own tasks which take most of Monday.  I usually just work really hard, stressed out the entire time, to get it all done in just 4 hours.  Today, I just did what I could, and didn't stress about any of it!!   Because I matter.

I was just about getting the majority of it completed when a manager wanted some help with some training issues.  Usually I just say that I'm too busy ... yaa daa yaa daa ... but today, I stopped my own tasks and helped.  And when it was time to clock out, even though my own tasks were *not* done, I left.   Because I matter.

It leaves me feeling as if I didn't accomplish anything.  I did accomplish some things, but I didn't accomplish everything.  There's a difference when you're an OCD perfectionist.  But I'm going to learn to live with the feeling, hoping that I can catch things up tomorrow.  But one of the major decisions that I made today was I'm going to work my schedule and if that means there's OT at the end of the week, then so be it.  The company should be paying me when they can't hire workers who are willing to come to work when they're scheduled.  If I have to cover a shift, then they pay the OT or they find a worker willing to work what's been scheduled. 

Making these decisions are a real problem for me.  I've always been a team player.  But when the group isn't much of a team any longer, then what does it matter???  Ah well, we shall see how tomorrow goes, or doesn't!    Because I matter, too!

Biting My Tongue

All day, it's been a challenge for me to keep biting my tongue.  How easy is it to get sucked into the work vortex of negativity???   When a coworker voices a complaint, our first instinct is to jump in with our own agreement of whatever's wrong.   But that goes against what I'm trying to accomplish -- less stress at work!  So it was a morning of biting my tongue!

My coworker likes to voice things out loud -- and many of them are negative.  Today a vacuum was returned already assembled.  Of course, it won't fit in the box, but we do our best, take out the packing materials and stuff it back in as best we can.  But her first words out loud were "How am I going to get this f**& thing back in the box?"   That prompted me toward two things.  My first instinct was to jump in and help - to show her how it's done.  My other instinct was to voice how much I hate customers who do that!   Neither of them are a good responses.  Another case of biting my tongue! 

But on my overall goal of having a less stressful day at work, I think I achieved a level 3 on a scale of 1-5.  It was average, it was ok, but when I left, I didn't feel as if I was stressed.  And that's the goal.   I Googled and found a list of simple things to reduce stress at work: 

• Avoid Morning Stress.
• Understand Expectations.
• Avoid Conflict.
• Stay Organized.
• Be Comfortable.
• Forget Multitasking.
• Walk at Lunch.
• Control Perfectionism.

From this list, the ones I struggle with are multitasking and perfectionism.  And I know that the way I work the best to have a productive day, I play a "mind game" with myself.  If I pick it up, if I touch it, I have to deal with it.   So that piece of paper that needs to be filed, gets filed.  That piece of trash on the floor?  Nope, don't ignore it, pick it up and throw it away.  If I open a work screen on the computer, don't stop in the middle ... follow it through and finish it up.  I think the biggest waste of time is to pick something up, say to yourself, I'll do it later, and then put it back down.  Because you'll have to pick it up and deal with it at some point!!  NOW is the best time to do it.

I guess my point is now that I've made a goal, I'm going to work hard and try to make it a part of my daily habit.  Every day.  

A Rough Day

What do you do when your day off turns into a rough day off ?  I had good intentions for today, getting my housework caught up from the long working sessions, cooking for the week all prepared, and getting my car washed.  I got it all done except the car wash thing.  But it wasn't without the rough stuff.  For some reason, I didn't sleep well, and being tired affects me in two ways.  I'm cold when I'm tired, and I'm overly emotional when I'm tired.  That means whenever I sat down, I was snuggled under a blanket.  And watching old ER episodes brought me to tears over and over again. 

I found an old photo from 1972 of a friend who was a neighbor back then, so I snapped a digital and sent it to him.  His wife thought he looked like a gangster!  He was wearing jeans, jean jacket and sunglasses.  It made me smile, remember all the times we shared running our block.

I also found an old photo from 2006 of my kids.  This brought me another smile. 

There's still a huge piece of me who misses my son every single day.  It's been over two years, but this is a hurt that will never go away.  It's something I will live with until the day I die.  

I also woke up with the attitude that I'm going to stop stressing over my job and getting things done every day.  In the huge scope of things, it doesn't really matter.  But I matter. My health matters. I need to take care of me.  If I dropped dead, they would replace me immediately without much of a second thought.  So it's time for me to take care of me.  I have that as a daily reminder on my phone.  We'll see if that makes a difference!  hehehe

Ramblings

After a long 15 days straight at work, I had trouble sleeping last night and had intense crazy dreams.  They were clear in my mind at 4am, but I can only recall snippets once I was wide awake.  It was a rough stretch at work and ....  I can feel a change is needed.  I busted my butt doing 80 hours of work in just a little over 40.  I didn't feel very appreciated after all that and that's a good sign that I need to change things up.  Mostly with my attitude.

What is it about me and the way I'm made up that makes me feel like I have to do *so* much ....  I know the basics of it relates to "work before pleasure"  meme when I was growing up.  Not that it was a bad thing, because i'm always getting my work done.  but it doesn't work in retail very well because in retail the job is never done, never finished, never complete.  Every day there are customers buying things and shelves that need restocking.  

So how do I find perspective in an eight hour shift that both fulfills my need to be productive, to "get the job done" and yet also lessens the stress I feel, or is it self impose, because it doesn't all get done in a day, in a shift.  I tell myself over and over that it's ok to just do my best and leave when I'm done.  But sometimes that isn't good enough.  Or so it seems.  

So this week I will be working on a change in attitude so there isn't a need to change my latitude.  But it isn't easy for me to do that.  And it seems especially worse now because of new leadership.  I have a very hard time relating with managers who feel the need to keep information to themselves.  We have a manager who prefers to speak Spanish and does so often in front of other employees who may not speak Spanish.  It's an odd sensation to feel as if someone is talking about you right in front of you but you have no idea what they're saying.  I'm also very uncomfortable with the way this manager has put up window blinds in an office.  What is going on in there that's so secret???  And here's my really personal pet peeve --- Women who have been given power don't seem to handle it very well.  Their decisions are often made in haste, or their thoughts on running things are made with mood swings or mood changes, leaving employees not knowing which way the wind will blow with each shift.  

As you can see, I'm incredibly unhappy with my current position and current management.  So along with changing thoughts about my own work habits, I'll be working on my own work attitudes as well.  I'll continue to do my best, but I think an all out 125% each day is asking too much from this old gal.  Letting go of the little irritations will be the first thing I'll be doing.  Making sure I'm taking my full breaks and lunches will be another thing.  Even if that means taking myself shopping elsewhere to burn up that hour each day.  ugh.  but staying in store means people free to ask questions even if I'm not on the clock, and that's not fair to me.

Yes, I'm just kind of rambling here because I need to.  I need to make sense of this, to make a plan in my mind so that I can keep working with a better outlook.   Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll make more sense.  *grin*

Today's Walk

I got off my couch and decided to take a walk at Riparian Preserve

It was a beautiful day!  I also dropped a few kindness rocks I painted!