Time Changes Us

I've been writing here on this blog for a very long time.  And it's been good to me, and good for me!  Having an outlet with no judgments can be a blessing. 

And reading back over some of the older ones, it seems I was in a better frame of mind, a better writer, a few years back.  

I've discovered that having a child die is one of the biggest life changing events a person can ever have.  I notice that I'm not as outgoing, not as ... personable ... as I used to be.  I guess I can feel inside myself that I've closed myself off, not letting people in.  I'm sure its a defense mechanism against letting anyone else in.  I don't want to have to explain my feelings that I have because of my son's death.  When you're related to someone who chooses suicide, things change a lot... emphasis on a lot.  They leave behind so many questions, and *no* answers.    I miss my son every. single. day.  And there's nothing I can do about it. 

My dream was to have this house long enough, to have it paid off, and leave it to my son.  I would probably ... well, who knows what the future would have been if it hadn't happened.  

But I can't change what happened, and it's difficult to change my feelings about all of it. 

So I just keep moving the best I can.  And smile whenever possible! 

Inventory and Memories

 In our crazy retail Big Box Store we have inventory once a year.  It's a huge process when it comes to preparation. And no matter how prepared you think you are, you're never really prepared.  We had high hopes for a good outcome... our hopes were dashed.  But that's how it is in retail.  But it means that we're going to be under close scrutiny from the higher-ups in the coming year. 

As for the preparation, I worked 7 days in a row, mostly 9 -10 hour days each.  When it was all over, as of yesterday, today it's a do-nothing, rest all day kind of day.  But I can't seem to sit still.  The bad part about it is that I can't seem focus on just one thing and complete the task.  I did manage to load and start the dishwasher, and to wash the bedding and remake the bed.  

We had rain move through the Valley, and I slipped out during all our preps to snap a quick pic. There's nothing like the smell of a fresh wet desert!

Then yesterday, as I walked out to get the mai, this little truck was parked outside of Wendy's.  It reminded me of the days back in the 80s when I worked in the service dept of a local forklift dealership.  After hours, we would work on a truck just like this one.  It was a blast!  Sometimes little things bring back the best memories! 

It was also my sister's heavenly birthday.  I painted a rock to bring with me on my next visit home to leave on her headstone.  

Lots of little things going on, and yet now that inventory is over, work will be more pleasant now.  I hope. 

Retail Managers: Wake UP!!

If you're in a management position in a retail setting, you need to know, need to remember, that *YOUR ACTIONS* are teaching the new employees what's right and what's wrong.  Which creates employees with less and less motivation and skills to do a good job.  And *THAT* makes a difference to your bottom line.  So wake up and smell the dollars!!

When I left on Tuesday, the aisle that I'm responsible for was perfect.  I noticed that a new employee was creating a new section across from my aisle.  The next morning, I find that two shelves were stolen from my side and were used to create the new section on the opposite side. What should have happened is that the manager should have showed the new employee how and where to get whatever shelves or supplies are needed.  I happen to know that new employee was taking direction from  a manager, and frankly, I'm livid about how this was handled.  I wasn't ever impressed with this particular manager as he prefers to delegate rather than jump in a show someone new how things should be done.  Now I'm even more unimpressed with him.

RESPECT is a two way street.  If this particular manager ever needs something from me, the answer will be NO.  I've reached a dead end on this street with him.  

Tomorrow, on the white board where I write a daily inspiration,  that's going to be my quote:

RESPECT IS A TWO WAY STREET

However, I doubt he will get the message. 

Until he needs something.

*rant over*

Little Accomplishments = A Great Big Life

 I just watched the episode of ER when Dr Mark Greene dies; when Dr John Carter sits with an old man who's dying.  I was sad.  That's not exactly correct.  Watching the show made me sad. And maybe that's not all of it.  Watching this particular episode sometimes brings up thoughts about dying, the dying process, and those in my family who have already died.  

And then I watched an episode of 7th Heaven where Chandler Hampton needs to make peace with is father who is dying of lung cancer.  Father and son have never seen eye to eye, but despite their personal feelings about each other, they somewhat make their peace with each other.

All these shows bring up a wide mix of feelings inside me.  At my age, you begin to think about your own mortality.  Like the man Dr Carter was sitting with, who says "I could have done more.  I should have done more."  

But what would that more be? 

What can each of us do in our lives that would give us contentment when we're near the end?  Is it something that you've done? or something more you can do ?  When we're young, we have plans, we accomplish some of them, but never all of them.  Plans change every day and with every change in our lives, our plans change.  

But I think these feelings would be easier to deal with in the long run if we started looking more at the short term.  Make small goals each week or each month, to do something positive.  Doing these things are the important part, but its also important to remember those things we did, and how they made us feel.  That's the part that will help us deal with those questions at the end, remembering our little accomplishments, each one of them.   

Lots of people start a gratitude jar.  It's good to recognize that we're grateful for a house, or a job.  But why not take it a step further?  Why not write down the little accomplishments in a journal.  Just think what it could do for you if someone in your family could read them to you when you're nearing the end?  Or even better, how much more would your family members know about you after reading them - - even if they discovered the book after you're gone?  

Little accomplishments turn into a great big life!  So go out and live it!

The Elvis Sandwich

I'm not one for watching foodie TV, and if I happen to be watching something, I *never ever* try making any of the recipes!  But on my last trip to visit mom in January, we happened to catch something (maybe on Rachel Ray??)  where they showed how to make an Elvis Sandwich.  For some reason, this appealed to me!!!  

So mom and I started digging around, and came up with the ingredients without having to make a trip to the store:  banana bread, peanut butter, fresh banana and bacon !!   We decided instead of breakfast, we'd make them for brunch  ......

We sliced the homemade banana bread, and fried up the bacon.  Then we began assembly, slathering on some peanut butter, adding fresh banana slices, laying on the bacon.  Each sandwich was then seared in a buttered pan to help keep the banana bread a little on the crispy side.  

Mmmmm MMMmmmm MMMM!!  

They were delish! 

I'd make these again in a heartbeat.

Today, mom and I were laughing about making these creations when I was there.  It's not something we'd ever do again, but it made for a nice laugh! 

Treadmill and Painted Rock

 I have been trying to commit to working out on my treadmill every day.  I've been successful three days in a row, so I'm happy about that.  However.  On the first day, I pushed really hard.  The next day, boy was I sore!  But that didn't keep me from day 2 or day 3.  Now it's day 4 and I've had two difficult work days in a row.  I'm tired. So I'm going to take a break today.  I've got my 10k steps in for today, and 113 active minutes.  So it's rest time for me :)

But on the other hand, I'm going to sit down and paint a few more kindness rocks.  Yesterday, a mother and her son found some of my painted rocks in the park and this is what she said:  "My son loved the hippo one!  I had to bring home the one that says 'Where flowers bloom so does hope" to my nine year old daughter who fought brain cancer in 2020 and got a clear scan the other day."

This is the exact reason I paint rocks :) :) 

(the flower rock on the left, and hippo center)