Hello, August!

August, that summer month that seems like endless heat .... for me, when August rolls around I am always wishing for September 15th. By then our temps get lower and its a relief not to run our AC units all night long.

Each day in August, I try to opt for small projects, a little DIY, and maybe painting a few rocks.  Something to feed my creative soul. 

Lately, making good choices with my time between my own needs and her needs, it can be a delicate balance.  With high temps, I try to be home before the afternoon heat becomes unbearable.  Drivers are cranky, no need for me to be out in traffic!!

I found eight pieces of mesquite in the garage, probably intended for some project or other, and decided to paint them up. No idea what I'll do with them, but I like the creative process!

As We Age

While things may seem to change, I can't help but wonder if what truly changes is our perspective.  Things dont look the same to me as they did 30 years ago, or even 10 years ago! 

On this 66th birthday, I look back at a lot of things.  Dealing with my mom has me looking at things in a different way.

Mom was raised on a farm, with 4 siblings, but married and moved away from MN to Cali.  We visited MN about every 4 years, taking 3 weeks or so to do it.  We visited relatives and they all dropped their lives for the week or so while we did " family things".  

But as I look back, was it something the siblngs did for the baby sister?  Because they knew it was what ahe wanted? Expected?  

Which brings me around to being raised by a mom with such definitive expectations.  Even now, she wants to make a big deal out of my birthday,  and I barely acknowledge it.  Its the same with holidays ... I dont need an enforced holiday to celebrate occasions.  

When you're divorced with kids, if a holiday is on a visitation day, you just wait it out til they're home, then you celebrate.  Many times I've had Thanksgiving on a Saturday, Christmas on New Years.  I don't know what drives mom to enforce holidays on the exact day, and maybe I don't really need to know.  I just find it so ... odd.

So as I look back on another year gone by, I reflect on life's changes, and am thankful for being me, with all my quirks, that I'm still able to keep an eye out for life's little magic moments. 

Find some magic today! 

Weird Things

Here in the Valley of the Sun, strange things are known to happen.  I once had a chicken in my front yard - must have been OK because it stayed for a couple days.  

Then I once found a turtle- tortoise? - in my backyard. It must have been someone's pet, because there was paint on the shell.  Never could figure out how it got there.... my yard is surrounded by concrete block fences - no way for it to scurry under somehow!  Ah well, I scooped it into a box and took it to my neighbor who does wild life rescues. (Thanks Joe!!)

Early Sunday morning, I'm quietly reading a book and I thought I could hear someone knocking on my door! Turns out its a Gila woodpecker tapping on the stucco near my front window! They can be destructive with their pecking.

So here I sit, near the window, chasing it away each time he comes back.  Guess I need to fill whatever hole he managed to make after I get into a "ready for the day" mode!  

Two More Weeks

For the past four months I've lived with "... in two more weeks".   See this dr, see that specialist, visit the ER, wait for this test, take another test. And they're all spread out "... in two more weeks".

I keep thinking there will finally be an answer. A solution. A pill.  And there hasn't been.  She takes her opioids then a shot of morphine and she still won't give in to rest and recuperation needed to help.  Every day is another problem.  Except that its all the same problem.

When I don't go over, I call every day at 3pm.  And either way, around 3pm she gets her anxiety.  Today she cried while we were on the phone.  

I don't know how to help her any more. She doesnt like the noise 2 kids can make so we were at my house today.  And I understand, she wants to see them. But only if they can sit like angels in a chair and watch her tv programs?  What 8 and 4 yr olds can do that??

I know that I can't make her happy; that it isn't my job to do that.  But her unhappiness with her situation, her self, leaches out to spill all over any one around.  Which lately has only been me.

She will have her MRI on Tuesday. Hopefully after that there will be an answer.   I am not sure I can tolerate very many more of  "in two weeks" .

Gaining Patience

One of the most stressful things is dealing with pain medicines for mom.  They are regulated opioids and refills are difficult; they wont refill them early, either. And any time there is difficulty, she starts to panic.

So she changed doctors from pain management to a Neurosurgeon.  She is low on her Tramadol.  I called for them to send in the Rx, which they did.  But they sent it in for 100mg tabs instead of 50mg tabs, which Medicare won't cover.  

So I made another call to the docs office to see if they would resend a corrected script. They said they would.  But it was lunch hour, so I came back to her house to explain.  And she doesn't get it.

I've had to explain it three times (so far) and that I would head back over around 4pm to see if it was ready.  *sigh*   then I had to explain it all again.

This is becoming too much for me.  I'm stuck in the middle trying to jump through hoops.  Doctors office calls her and she tells me she has no idea why they called. Um, yeah, you answered?? Is this a case of blaming the messenger? Because I make the calls, when she doesn't like the answer she puts the blame on me?? 

Im not sure how much more patience I can gain.  I'm not sleeping, I feel sick when I eat and when I don't eat. 

I hate having my patience tested!

Mom Issues

I'm at mom's (is there anywhere else I go????) and I'm sitting at the dining room table, eating my yogurt, casually scrolling my phone.  Mom turns to me and says "Will you bring in some Gatorade from the garage?" "Sure," I answer, and continue eating.  

I finish my yogurt, still at the table, scrolling, its been about 5 minutes since her previous question. She struggles out of her chair, and schleps across the dining room with her walker and looks in the fridge.  "I only have 1 Gatorade, thats what I thought."  

I get up from the table, putting away my dinner dishes and pack up my bag.  I head to the garage and grab 5 bottles and stick them in the fridge.  

So did she assume that I would forget to do what she asked in those 5 minutes because I was looking at my phone?  Or was she perturbed that I didn't jump up and do her bidding when she asked? My vote is the latter.

This is the norm for her.  And I keep wondering if this was how it was all the time growing up and I just didn't get it until I was an adult?  I moved out of state when I was near 40yo. Did I finally realize that I wouldn't grow or change unless I got away from this kind of behavior?  Or did I know on an unconscious level that I wanted/needed more for my kids?? 

Yesterday she sent me a text asking if I was stopping by.  I told her I wasn't feeling well and didn't think so. Her answer back was Oh I was hoping to see you today.  Not sorry you're sick, or hope you feel better.  

And I know that not going over means she'll call me around 6pm because she's having anxiety attack, so I pulled myself together and ran over.  She's sitting in her chair doing embroidery, but not surprised I was there. "The pain is so bad today" as she hobbles around on her walker, crying. She wanders back to her chair to grab a tissue, walking past a box of tissues, and paces and cries some more.  Then she admits that she took her extra anxiety med at noon (3 hours early!!) Because she was having a hard time.  

Her anxiety comes from within.  I can't control her thoughts, her breathing, her worries. I can't help her pain except to reiterate what her doctors have told her over and over ...  ice to calm the nerves, heat for the pains.  "Well I used the ice packs last night."  

I've tried to explain in simple terms: when you cry, your eyes get red and puffy, inflamed.  When you have anxiety, your nerves become inflamed, red and puffy.  That causes the pain.  

For every action, there is reaction.  The same with her anxiety- her mind is breaking havoc on her body. And nothing I say or do helps.  Unless she gets her way and I move in.  

Not gonna happen. 

Its Raining!

Monsoon season is here, but we haven't had much rain. After leaving mom's, it started raining, rained all the way home!

I remember about 4 years after moving in to my house, we had an extremely wet monsoon season; so much rain that my backyard nearly looked like a lake!

I love sitting here listening to summer thunderstorms!! 

Drama Norms

People talk about drama in life that happens all around us.  Sometimes its family members who cause us drama, other times it is friends.  Either way, we've all had it in our lives. I've definitely had my share!

In addition to all of the normal drama that goes on with Mom and her anxiety issues, health issues, and personality issues, I now have another dramatic concern: I am going to be a Great grandmother again!!

The dramatic part?  She's 23 and hasn't quite matured into adulthood.  She isn't married, and I'm not sure I like the baby daddy.  A young couple with no car who move 4 times in 9 months just doesn't add up to a good life. Now a second baby???  Doesn't seem like good choices going on.

She is a bright girl, with a good future, if only she would embrace it.  She was raised without her Dad in her life, and that probably influences her choice. But I'm more worried about the way this boy influences her. He doesn't let her have friends.  When I visit, I'm not allowed to have a private conversation with her. He's very subtle about it, but intrusive. 

I can't change things, but I started a letter campaign. I send her notes once a week, unsigned, with upbeat messages or quotes that I think might help guide her going forward.

All the drama we endure in life. Are things never simple?? Would we want it to be?   

Fresh Sheets

One of the best feelings in the world is the simple joy of climbing into a bed with fresh, clean sheets!   I am old enough to remember when sheets were made of cotton, and came out of the dryer with so many wrinkles!  And stay at home moms would iron them.  *blink* who would have time for that these days??

One of the things I like about living in the Valley of the Sun is the low humidity.  So I have learned that taking my sheets from the dryer when they aren't quite dry and slipping them on just a little damp, turn a fan on low for about 20 minutes and they dry up so nice, they feel as if they've been ironed!!!  

Once the sheets are dry, I make up the rest of the bed.  I couldn't do this living in Ohio.  Everything was dried, dried, dried in the dryer because of the humidity.  If you didnt dry everything well, it would smell of mildew, a huge pet peeve for me living there!

Tonight, I will luxuriate in a fresh, clean bed with smoothed out sheets and with luck, a really good night's sleep!!

Well Being

Theres a lot of talk these days about balance, especially work/life balance.  I know when I was working, I didn't feel like there was much balance.  It was physical work and mental stress.  It took time each day to wind down, just to start it all over again the next day. 

I'm not sure there will ever be an equitable balance between the two until we start making changes in how we think about life. 

We need to remember, or be reminded often, while the things we do for others are important, our own self care shouldn't take a back seat to others.  Sometimes our needs must be prioritized.

Well being isn’t about the mind or the body, it's about the soul. Well being is how *well* you feel about *being* you.

 

Doctor Day

Had yet another day of doctor appt with Mom.  I finally dragged her to a Neurosurgeon.  She didn't want to go because "there's nothing wrong with my brain".   Um, yeah, there might be!

He took a very thorough history, asked lots of questions.  He thinks her group of nerves that control her right leg are damaged.  He also said that because its been so long, they might not be able to be repaired. He needs another MRI.

So that's where its at for now. After the stress, I came home to veg on the couch and finish the book I've been reading: Free Fall by Robert Crais.  

Elvis Cole and Joe Pike.  IYKYK!! 

Party Boat!

Here in the Valley of the Sun, we don't often see many boats, especially the party kind!  

It brings to mind the summers I spent on Lake Del Valle in Livermore.  My boyfriend's dad was in the Coast Guard Reserves and they helped patrol lakes on weekends.  This was back in the laye 70s.

So while "Dad" was out working the lake, we tooled around in a little 12foot aluminum boat.  Warm sun, cool water, picnics on little beaches or under some trees.  Good times!  

I hope whoever is heading off to a lake that they make some great memories!!

Commitment Mid Year

We are halfway through 2025 and I'm revisiting my word for the year: commitment.  

And it appears that most of my time is going to be commitment to my mother.  

My feelings about it are sometimes complicated.  Resigned comes to mind. There is also resentment, anger, and frustration.  

And in order to have my own peace, I have to be resigned to the fact that no one else will care for her, its up to me.  It isn't fair, and that brings up anger. And resentment because other family members take vacations and have time away from the problems. Except me.

Then there's frustration because she is difficult to deal with. To me she seems very out of touch with what's going on in her body. Many doctor visits, and they all tell her it all starts in her lower back. But when she adds ice or heat, its to her leg, not her back, which is the source of her pain.  

Then you add in her odd expectations.  If the doc says ice her back, she seems to think one treatment is going to fix it!  

So while my commitment is to make sure Mom is taken care of, I'm also resigned to "this is my life now".  If I do this for 10 years .... then so be it.

Some days its difficult to stay committed. 

Disney Documentary

I found a documentary about Disney, and the history of Disney.  They talked about building Disneyland,  Walt Disney World, and the branding of Disney characters.  Fascinating history, for sure. 

But what caught my eye was the section about building the exhibit of Mr. Lincoln. Done with animatronic technology, Mr. Lincoln wowed audiences.  He was first displayed at the 1964 World's Fair, then moved to Disneyland.

For my first trip away from home, on a plane, (hooray PSA!), our senior trip (1977) was an overnight visit to Disneyland.  That's when I first saw this Mr. Lincoln.  It was fascinating and amazing to watch. He stood from his chair and addressed the audience, his face, his eyes, his arms all moved as if giving a speech. 

"... All men are created equal ....."

(Photo credit belongs to Disney)

This documentary can be found on the History Channel, and HULU

Little Pleasures

Black licorice seems to be either you like it or hate it.  I've always been in the like it camp.  And one of my little pleasures is the old fashioned candy Good n Plenty.

Its not something I indulge often, and lately not at all.  But just seeing a box of these delicious pink and white treats reminds me when I would have them as a treat when I would get a perm.  Yeah, that was way back in the 2000s.  Having a perm made hair more manageable when living through humid summer heat in Ohio!

What's your little pleasure???

Color Guard

There is nothing more moving than watching a color guard ceremony. My son, Brian, was in JROTC and in the color guard for several parades in Hamilton, Ohio.  

So today's moment of joy was the color guard that opened the graduation ceremony of my nephew becoming a full-fledged policeman!

A bit of humor:  His Dad was a policeman back in the 90s.  I was driving home from the orthodontist and he was on patrol, happened to spot my car.  On went his patrol car lights and my kids were "Mom! What did you do wrong?" I pulled into the next driveway and waited. He walked up and I tried to calm the kids, saying "Look!  Its Uncle Rob!" But they wanted nothing to do with him in full uniform!!  I still laugh about it, and its been 35+ years!  

Backyards

Backyards are always a good place to hang out. With chairs, a table, maybe a grill, you can enjoy the sunrise, sunsets, and time with your favorite people! 

Lately, my backyard is a total mess. I have little time to keep it cleaned up, let alone time to sit out and enjoy it.  

But after our rain and wind last week, "things" turn up in the yard.  Years ago, an entire outdoor unbrella blew in from someone else's yard!

Today, I found this. We have lots of little geckos running around. Can't help but wonder if a neighborhood cat got him first. 

Sunsets Are Amazing

Evwr since I moved to the Valley of the Sun, I have been enthralled with the sunsets.  They can be so incredible!!

Energy

Are you the kind of person who can sense or "feel" energy?  Its an odd sensation if you're not used to it, or if you don't block yourself when you know/think its coming.  

I can remember when I was first married, and being so tired from working and life, that I would lie in bed and "absorb" whatever energy I could from my husband as he slept.  Sometimes he would comment on feeling tired or drained, but I never said anything.  He never believed in much he couldn't see or prove. 

As positive energy is "contagious" (think hanging out with friends, one is excited, everyone picks up that energy), then negative is too.  That is the energy at Mom's.  But I endure as I sit with her through her anxiety attacks.

And I wear my pendant to help protect my own energy.  Is it all in my mind? Some who don't believe would say so. But if it helps my own mental state, I won't be talked out of it!

Stealing Joy

Do others steal your joy? Or is it that we allow others to steal our joy?  That topic has been on my mind all morning. 

And yes, I have let this eldercare of mom issue steal my joy. 

Its not easy dealing with all those issues, but I shouldn't allow it to be my only focus.  I can say that today, because she has had two relatively good days in a row. Which gives me a break from the pressure of dealing with issues. 

So on that note, I am challenging myself to find little joys with a photo every day. There are always little things that bring us joy, if we focus our attention. 

Today's photo: palm trees blowing in a breeze.  It was over 110 today, so a small breeze makes things just a little better!

Eat Less Sugar

Sugar cravings are difficult to break. I've been doing intermittent fasting for nearly a year. I cook my own foods, watch what I eat. I haven't given in to the usual McDs, Jack, or Burger King. No pizza, no cookies, no candy.  If I eat pasta, its protein pasta that I make at home. 

I even had the temptation to get a burger and fries because mom wanted one. But I ordered hers and ate my own cooked meal instead.

But I've been craving something with sugar for the past week now. I havent given in, but boy is it tempting!!

Sometimes, a stick of peppermint gum (sugarless of course!) can help.  Is there something you've found that works for you???

In 1984, there was a commercial with a little older lady hollering "where's the beef??"  For me, its where's the sugar???

And Just Like That ..

Are you a fan of Sex in the City?  I was, right from the start. I have the DVDs, the movies.  I've watched them all several times.  I always liked how the character Carrie was a writer, sharing thoughts about whatever was going on around her.

Yesterday, my daughter was up for a visit and hooked me up so I could watch the sequel "And Just Like That". Yay!

Its odd to watch these friends who are now grown to middle age, deal with the complications that arise as we get older. It was also amusing to watch my daughter squirm as portions of the show became segued into sexual sequences.  lol  it wasn't anything graphic, but the content was suggestive.  We all chuckled over the fact that she was watching it with *gasp* her mom!! 

I cant wait to see where the next season of shows will take us!

The BEST!

Flash:  the BEST cookie ever is Carrot Cake cookies with cream cheese frosting filling.  Grab 'em at your local Walmart! You won't be disappointed!!

I always pick some up for my son-in-law!

Angel-versary

Today is the 6th anniversary of the day my son died.  Its never an easy day for me.  Mom says she knows what its like, my sister died of pancreatic cancer.  

But its not the same.

Sis was diagnosed and lived three years longer than was expected. That gives a person's mind time to reconcile to the expected. 

But I happened to be reading this today:  

• "Things are never, ever the same again. People who haven’t been to that other place can never really understand how hard it is for the travelers who return, travelers like us, to pretend that nothing has changed.” 

Finding a loved one who has died by suicide is different somehow. There are so many unanswered questions, so many thoughts like what you could have done different, said different, could you have changed the outcome?  

I will never get answers to those questions.  I try not to burden others with the details of finding my son six years ago.  Death by suicide leaves a stigma, something that's not spoken of, almost as if it were "catchy".  

As a society, where have we gone wrong? What creates situations that result in suicide rates increasing over the years?  There is a lot of shame and blame that gets heaped on those left behind when a loved one makes that decision.  

I miss my son every day. And I never stop asking why.

Please remember you can dial 988 at any time if you need someone to talk to. 

NoSleep Hangover

One of the things I've had to come to terms with is how much my system thrives on routine. And when that routine is disrupted, its really hard to get back on track.

After a week with mom and a lost night at the ER, I was in my own bed last night. But you can't make up for lost sleep.

I can rest. Nap. Go to bed early, but there's no way to make up the lost sleep. There is a constant headache, slight muscle aches, and I dislike taking Tylenol et al if I can help it. 

So I'm crossing my fingers that she feels well enough to stay alone for a few nights so I can get a few nights sleep.  Bedtime at 6pm tonight!  And it should resolve the no-sleep hangover!!!