2011 Ends!

Hello! and Happy New Year! Yes, its that time, a new year, a new beginning. It's also an even numbered year. If you look back on your own history, do you see a trend? I moved into my new house in jan 2010. I moved to arizona in 2008. I left my ex in 2004. I marred that same ex in 2000. I moved to Ohio in 1998, Quite the major life events in even years. Were they bad? no, not a one of them. So... what's up for this year? Right now, no plans in the works, but my heart hopes for just one thing...

It's been quite the week, very busy at work, which is typical and expected, but no less difficult in how much needs to be accomplished each day. I keep wondering if the intensity at work is causing the dreams/nightmares I've had this week. This last one, I had moved into an antique house, full of lovely antique furniture, big rooms, wood floors. The unfortunate part? I'd moved in with an ex. lol where is my head at??

It's 10:44 pm and I'll probably not make midnight - no one to stay up for... err... with. (oops slip of the finger... lol) My wish is that this new year brings each of you great things, happy moments and special memories!

HUGS to everyone!!

Holiday Reflections

It's a a very chilly morning here in the Valley of the Sun.. only 35.. and I'm snuggled under the covers, not wanting to get up. One of the more difficult things about Christmas being on a weekend is that I've had the whole weekend off. Which can be a nice thing, but when you're a working girl, that means weekends are normally spent doing the usual chores that need to get done in order to get through another work week.

I decided to reflect on things - or maybe things decided for me. I'm not a people person, and when I'm busy with a normal week, sans holidays and such, it works for me. I'm bombarded with people all day long at work; when I get home and have a few hours to myself, the last thing I want is more people. Granted, those would be people of my own choosing, not forced upon me. But that's for another day. It's just more difficult during the Holidays to endure solitude. Well meaning folks ask "What are you doing for Christmas?" and if you don't have a ready made comeback, or dare to tell them the truth, they look at you with pity or sadness. Don't feel bad for me, please. This is of my own choosing!

Being a Sunday, I will probably do my laundry for the week, and clean the house a bit. Perhaps work on some photography, and if I'm lucky -- and it warms up -- spend some time reading a good book in the warm desert sunshine.

I hope all of you enjoy your Holidays, spend time with family or loved ones, those who mean the most to you. Joyeux Noel!

Z`observations

What a stressed out week this has been. As I made my rounds, did my job, and generally got through all the hubbub of the week, I observed the following:

My son talks to himself. In the rigors of getting packed to spend Christmas with his sister and Dad, he was making a checklist out loud of the things he was sure to need. Cash. Wallet. ID. Phone. Charger. I chuckled to myself, because I know where he gets this from!!! hahaha

I worked with my Elvis today. Appears he went to see MI-3 and was impressed that the star, Tom Cruise, chose to wear the same frames, same glasses that he wears. Sadly, he doesn't look like Tom, for certain. *grin* Elvis also reminds me of the gal I used to have working for me; she loved to test every kind of perfume that came through my section. Seems Elvis has the same passion. Some days, I feel like I come home smelling like a $2 hooker. hahaha

Christmas Holiday time, and as I drove home in the twilight, I noticed that so many of the palm trees around here are decorated for the holidays... true, they're not Christmas trees, but they're what's here, and look cute all decorated up. And with times as hard as they are, people seem to be turning to other things for a little cheer .... and have decorated homes with lights. They're always so much fun to to see!

My eyes are tired, and sore, but tends to happen with the Christmas blues, and all the excitement of the season. The lack of sleep puts the emotions on edge, and it doesn't take much to set it off. :/ Some days, being a girl sux! (Ok, enough said, not gonna head down that path right now.)

Found the following quote to share with you:

Believe in love.
Believe in magic.
Hell, believe in Santa Clause.
Believe in others.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in your dreams.
If you don't, who will?

~Jon Bon Jovi

Silent Night

Ever have "one of those days" turn into "one of those weeks" ?? I'm betting you have; we all have at one time or another. I'm ready for December, crabby shoppers, impatient drivers, and tense co-workers, all to be over. Hurry up , January!

On the other hand, I am an avid music collector -- I love to browse youtube for some of the old songs that no one hears any more. How many remember SchoolHouse Rock? I love those little ditty's: "Conjunction Junction, what's your function?" and "I am a bill..." Ahh the Saturday morning memories that brings back. Or the Statler Brothers, "Christmas to Me". Go have a listen, browse a few tunes, see what you come up with! But the truly great find was a fav artist, Tom Waits, singing "Silent Night". His deep gravelly whiskey soaked voice makes the song have an emotion in it that some singers just don't find.

Silent Night, Holy Night.....
......Sleep in Heavenly Peace.

May your holidays be blessed! HUGS!

Dreams

They say dreams come true.
And while some do,
others don't.
and still others never will.

Trimmin' Trees

While the holidays are here, and most people spend time trimming their Christmas tree, today's tree trimming was of a different kind. When I bought my house, in the backyard is a palm tree that probably hasn't been taken care of years. It was my intention to have this "skirt" trimmed off long ago, but I never had the heart to take away what had become a bird 'sanctuary' of sorts. But I finally made a call, hired a local landscape company to come over and take care of it. Of course, it was my thought that it would be sometime during the week.... instead Tim called me and said "I can be there in an hour." Wow! service :)

They arrived with tools and ladders in hand, and began the process of removing all of this. However, it was much to thick to handle from the outside; they needed the climber to get up there. When he arrived with his special rope and spiked shoes, he shimmied up the tree with chainsaw flung over his shoulder, and began cutting a wide swath around the bottom of the skirt, turning it from 'knee length' to 'mini skirt' in short order!

It was quite the process to see this done, its amazing how much stays up in a palm tree, even after it dies. He told me it probably hadn't been trimmed in 6 years or so.

Desk Set

Last night, I crawled into bed and turned this movie on. When it comes to old movies, this is a classic. Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy star in this romantic comedy about an office staff being replaced by a computer. Katherine's character has been in love with Mike for years. And he's the kind who assumes she will always be there for him. When he drops in unexpectedly, he finds her entertaining another man (Tracy) in her apartment! "We've known each other for what, six years?" he asks her. "Seven," she replies back. They exchange a few lines about their relationship, and he says "I'll see you tomorrow. Come to think of it, I won't, I'll be in Chicago." He kisses her cheek and heads back to his own busy portion of life.

During the company Christmas party, there's champagne and tipsy girls. With bottle of champagne in hand, Bunny waves it and says "This is for laughs..... and I've had a couple of laughs already!"

These "electronic brains" are replacing everyone; however, it doesn't go as planned. A few mishaps and the information that comes out is only as good as the humans who enter the data. When Mike comes waltzing back to see Bunny, carrying a beautiful box of roses, their conversation is interrupted by Tracy. There's a question that the computer needs to answer: "Should Bunny marry Mike?" The answer comes back "No." Of course, this movie has the proverbial happy ending.

And I cried myself to sleep.

Twists 'n Turns

One of the twists and turns of every day life are the little things that happen in a day. Today was one of those days where it was busy, stressful and chaotic at work. It was the last day to pick up layaway orders in my BigBox Store, and it was a madhouse the entire day. Orders couldn't be found, and people were stressing over it. *big breath* ok folks, no big deal, lets just take care of the customers! Yeah. I couldn't wait to get out of there!!

When I finally left, after an hour's overtime even, I was in my car, it was silent -- and the peace of no one speaking was terrific! An added bonus: it was sunny and 70 degrees. Definitely cheered me up --- until on the way home, I picked something up in my tire. I thought (or assumed) it was just a large rock stuck in the tread, but nope. It was something firmly lodged up in there. Now, I've known for a while I would need new tires; I've had my car 2 years, and put a few miles on it. I was hoping to make it for a little while longer. Lucky for me, I drove back to a different BigBox store location, and was able to get right in, and just as I predicted, they didn't want to repair it. So, after some looking around, he had two tires left that were part of the big Thanksgiving sale. 2 new tires, $160 all installed and ready to zip down the road :) Of course, the down side: I ended up back at the BigBox place for an extra hour on a day when I truly didn't want to be part of the crowds!!!!!
Some days, you just never know :)

HUGS to everyone!

don't ask, don't tell

The worst thing you can do is tell me a lie. One lie leads to another. But eventually, the lies that create a "house of cards" tends to crumble at some point. And that hurt is worse than anything else, at least for me.

I have had my shares of lies over the years. Two different marriages to men who cheat, and then tell all the lies that go with the cover-up have taken their toll on my trust and faith in males. While I still try and maintain my faith and trust in people, its not as strong as it used to be. I've been working on it, but it takes an effort, for sure.

While its easy to think about and take the path that involves the whole "whoa is me why did they all cheat on me what's wrong with me" train of thought, the point for today are lies. I guess the biggest question, and the reason for the title, is if you don't ask, and they don't tell, is it a lie? Is omitting information a lie? Or avoiding a topic altogether? Or the answer of "not now" without further explanation, without a reason why its not now? Or is a lie the giving of false information, hence nothing given, nothing lied about? dictionary.com defines lie as: a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth. With that definition in mind, omissions are not really lies. However, Wikipedia adds this under Lying by Omission: a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions.

With those definitions in mind, its all about finding balance. And boundaries. Limits even. And maybe a little boldness in asking questions, even if one isn't going to like the answer. Someone who avoids talking about an issue, a problem, a question asked of them, usually has some reason, something they don't want others to know. But dammit, when that's the case, a female's logic and reasoning goes over the top, and imagines all sorts of things. Maybe he has horns growing out of his head, or an extra toe on each foot, his sister is married to his ex wife's brother, his mother is really his aunt...................... well, you get the idea.

confuzzled

Is confuzzled a word? Not according to Webster, but the Urban dictionary says its : a combination of being confused and puzzled, not knowing what the fuck is goin on. So my vote is in: I think that's a great word! Not to be mixed up, however, as in Con-Fuzzled - the convention of fuzzy furry ..... well. Let's not go there!!

When I get to feeling confuzzled about things going on (or not going on) in my life, I tend to ... avoid. Sometimes its just easier to let the feelings pass than it is to try and figure them out, or worse, to try and do anything about them. In that way, I spent the day doing busy work and chores. I decorated my Christmas tree, I dived through the boxes of decorations I've accumulated over the years. I played with my new camera, I got my laundry caught up for the week, cleaned the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. Whew. Now its time to sit down and get caught up with *me* again. There's a pot of stew simmering on the stove for dinner, and it smells delicious! The sun is just beginning to sink in the sky, and I'm ready to start the work week over again. (Ugh, though. Some time off would be awesome!)

Back to being confuzzled. Or not. I started this post on Saturday, but found it difficult to continue with my thought. So now its Tuesday, and usually I get a good morning message on my phone from his yahoo messenge, or something within the day. Today, nothing. Which made me worry, of course. But even still, if there's something.... The confuzzling part ... if love and trust go hand in hand, what's the reason for not making it a real txt, phone to phone?

Ahh the little pieces of a confuzzled puzzle.

When? Quando? När?

What is it about the word WHEN ? (In English, Italian or Swedish, its still the same word!)

Everyone wants to know when something is going to happen, or when it already happened. We're awfully concerned with time. I know for myself, its more important to know when now, because lets face it, my number of when's are growing shorter every day!

I have a "when" thing in my own head, and I keep wondering... 'when?' ??
In all honesty, I've had to quit asking when.
Because time marches on, without a when on the horizon.

Sometimes, I think about "when" as a light at the end of the tunnel ... you might see it in the distance, but even though its going to take a while to get there, you at least know it will! In my own "quando" scenario, there's no light yet. And I guess its time I asked myself: without a "when" in my future, am I really living? I'd have to admit to myself that I'm not living as fully as I should. With a little bit of research, I came up with the same thing they say about happiness. It's not a goal, it won't happen after *this* or after *that*, we can't wait until some unreachable goal is reached before we find our happiness, before we have our 'when'.

This is life.
All we have is today. Now.
There may not be a tomorrow.
Don't live with regrets.

confuzzled

Is confuzzled a word? Not according to Webster, but the Urban dictionary says its : a combination of being confused and puzzled, not knowing what the fuck is goin on. So my vote is in: I think that's a great word! Not to be mixed up, however, as in Con-Fuzzled - the convention of fuzzy furry ..... well. Let's not go there!!

When I get to feeling confuzzled about things going on (or not going on) in my life, I tend to ... avoid. Sometimes its just easier to let the feelings pass than it is to try and figure them out, or worse, to try and do anything about them. In that way, I spent the day doing busy work and chores. I decorated my Christmas tree, I dived through the boxes of decorations I've accumulated over the years. I played with my new camera, I got my laundry caught up for the week, cleaned the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. Whew. Now its time to sit down and get caught up with *me* again. There's a pot of stew simmering on the stove for dinner, and it smells delicious! The sun is just beginning to sink in the sky, and I'm ready to start the work week over again. (Ugh, though. Some time off would be awesome!)

Back to being confuzzled. Let's face it, girls, men are just confuzzling as all get out. They seem to have their own reasons, their own ways and reason it all out in their own funny ways as to how it should be. At least, in their minds. I think that as women, we have trouble understanding it. Not the process or the reasoning, maybe its more that men, in general, don't talk about how they got from point A to point B -- they're just happy to have made the trip. Us gals, we like to talk about how we got there, why we went one way and not the other, and maybe even counted flowers along the way, just because they were there!

Some of you men may be chuckling right about now, and thinking that women are just as confuzzling as we think you are. We definitely think about things in different ways, even when we end up in the same place after the end of the trip getting there.

By now you're wondering "Is there a point to this diatribe?" Yes. It's still about being confused. It's still about trying to figure out what's what. And it's still about loving someone in a way that doesn't fit the mold that the world has set. And within that, needing to find my way in the maze of this thing that is a relationship. The most difficult part is being female, and wanting-- or needing -- to talk it out with someone who understands. But unless you've experienced this type of relationship, its very difficult to understand all the little reasons and intricacies ....

So far, I know two distinct things:
I love him, he's my best friend.
And my day doesn't feel complete if we don't touch base for some conversation.
And backgammon. :)

Tangled!

Why is love such a tangle? It seems to me that while some moments may seem clear, full of clarity, there are so many others that are all tangled, jumbled, and at times, hard to decipher. Of course, there's the "good" kind of tangled as well -- tangled in sheets, for example :)

Love is never easy. Women and men think differently about it; musicians sing about it, poets write about it, but in general, people live it. But it seems everyone has their own version of it. What works for some, doesn't work for others. I believe I am the same way: I have a version that works for me, and doesn't seem to fit in with the world's version in some ways. Not to bore you with details, I just draw that conclusion because I'm not male, but I don't think like many of my female acquaintances either. I guess I'm out of the stereotypical range. Which can be good. But I digress.

I love him. I have never met him, but I love him just the same. (In previous blogs, I have referred to him as Prof) We have had a long friendship of words. But that is the extent of it. I know that by standards, most people's or the media, our relationship isn't normal. I've tried explanations to a work friend, but the answers and feedback I get are all about how the world assumes a relationship ought to progress, so none of the advice suits the situation. I guess that's the best way to put it.

I'm sure someone in a psychiatric field would tell me that I should be putting myself first, to love myself enough to stop what they might call 'destructive behavior' (in its worst case scenario type language) or to stop 'enabling' (in the lovely jargon they use from time to time). Maybe another label they might put on it would be "co-dependent", as we are both ... hmmm... habitual in our want and need to chat with each other on a daily basis.

You're probably asking all kinds of 'why' questions, or maybe wondering how this all came about. damn. now I lost my train of thought. But mostly, your own questions will follow the usual paths of how things "should be". Believe me when I say that I've tried to break the habit, to ease back; I've tried to reason with myself, find other things, try real dating. Surely there are nice men out there. Somewhere. But damned if I know where. And when I chance coming across one who might be interested enough, and interesting enough .... eh. Just not interested.

I've come across many men whom I love, have loved, still love -- not with passion, more with the kind that says I care enough about you to want the best for you every day. But back to my original point: no matter our take on love, and its many different aspects, to each his own. We all have different needs and reasons for feeling like we do. And that includes love.... Why we love. How we love. Who we love. I will always love you, Prof.

changes in attitude

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes,
nothing remains quite the same,
with all of our running and all of our cunning,
if we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane

That's the chorus of one of Jimmy Buffet's songs. As I sit here in my bed, pondering this line, I can't help but wonder what's next for me? I started this blog without a direction, and kept the personal stuff on the minimal side. But what good is it if I can't use it for some of the personal stuff as well? I was asked tonight about some of the things going on, and its like there's all these thoughts in my head, and no one to tell them to, no where to go with them.

Is life too complex to break it down into bits and pieces, to put logic to things that seem to have no logic? I like to think I'm more logical than the next gal. Or maybe that I'm not as emotional as the gal next to me. Or maybe its more that I hide the emotional, not letting it rule my life, letting it make my decisions. Or at least, influence my decisions.

So. what does a gal do when there's a dilemma, and its complicated? Pick it apart and try for some logic? Who's logic, which logic, the world's logic? Again, more complications. But I'm definitely at some kind of crossroads, and trying to find my way, muddle through this thing called 'my life'.

What's the bottom line? I guess that would be wondering where to draw the line. Or for that matter, wondering where the line is. *sigh* Talk about a mixed up, tangled up mess in my head. Today's question: Is the suggestion of watching old movies a distraction?

Hell-i-days err Holidays!

Errr, I mean, Holidays (I think). It's that time of year that most people who work any kind of retail must begin to hate with a passion, if they've been at it for any length of time. It means year after year of stresses and way too much to do; it means that vacation plans aren't something we can look forward to; the thought of shopping is.... well, let's not even think about that! And it means that it takes a great deal of effort to make the one day away from our retail environment have any kind of meaning.

This is my 11th Hell-i-day season in retail, and while it was easier during the first few years, or maybe it was the excitement, or maybe retail has changed that much over time. Years ago, when something was on special for customers, we opened one of the items up, put it on display; because I worked in household goods, it meant I got to be creative with how I displayed that item, perhaps creatively putting out a place setting of a set of dishes. Ahh the fun days!!

Lately, I've noticed more and more its just put it on a shelf, hope it sells really fast, so you can just put out something different on the shelf, no display, no creativity, no creating a look, a theme, giving a store some personality. Of course, personality takes time, and time is money, and that's what retail is based on .... money. The bottom line. Pretty sad, in this woman's opinion.

But lately, what makes the Hell-i-day bearable is spending time with people you love; making time for being creative on your own; finding a way to stay sane during the most insane time of year. For me, that means exploring new ways to take pictures, new forms of painting, definitely some reading of favorite authors, and watching classic movies. Last night, my bestest friend and I watched a double feature of Doris Day: Pillow Talk and Lover Come Back. I think those have to be my all time favorite movies, I love the elegance she has about her, even when she's crying her eyes out. *smiles*

Now that my kids are grown, every year I tell myself I'm not going to put up a tree. Or decorate. I did put a wreath on my door already. Working in retail, I always wait until a sale to pickup things I need, but this year, I just had to have a wreath that came out .... mostly pine cones with a few red berries mixed in. The flowery kind, or the evergreen kind, all look a little out of place here in the Valley of the Sun. This one is perfect for me :) But ... here it is, a Saturday away from work, and I'm going to get up, dig out the tree, put a big pot of home made stew on to simmer, throw "Christmas Vacation" into the DVD player, and dig out the box of ornaments. And attempt to create a feel of Christmas, even if its only for a few short days.

May you have
the gladness of Christmas which is hope;
The spirit of Christmas which is peace;
The heart of Christmas which is love.
~Ada V. Hendricks

Anniversary!

Two years ago today, I became part of the "American Dream " and purchased my own home. It's not the best, the biggest, but its perfect -- for me. :) I feel as if I'm one of the lucky ones, able to do this on my BigBox store salary. Many of you have heard it before, but I always said in my 20s, 30s, and 40s, that I would own my own house by the time I'm 50. I turned 50 in July, bought it in December, two years ago!

Just a couple before/after pictures for comparison:

It's become a haven, a project, a home. And while I know there are many more things to be done, I look forward to every little project that I begin (and sometimes don't finish for a long time!! hahahahha)

HUGS to everyone!

All I want.....

Christmas is the time when there's a big emphasis on what people want. They sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth." or "All I want for Christmas is you." But is the holiday all about the things we're going to get?? Or the things we buy for others this time of year?

With each passing year, I find it harder and harder to get into the Christmas spirit. When we're young, of course, its time spent with parents and traditions. We marry and have young ones of our own and we try to carry on some of the old traditions along with making new ones. Of course, there's always the buying of gifts, but it seems the things we do together are the more important things that are remembered later in life.

This year, I'm 52 years young, and alone. My job means I work so many hours during the holidays that finding time for the real things gets harder as I get older, and all I wish is for the holidays to be over. It becomes very difficult to get in the holiday spirit when all you want for Christmas is to have the time, and to spend that time with family and loved ones.

But if I could have just one wish........
it would be a real live hug.

Enjoy your holidays, everyone! Don't get caught up in the frenzy; make time for the people who are important to you.... including yourself!

HUGS to everyone!

Time (And Elvis!)

Time: Our most precious commodity in this crazy busy thing we call life. Welcome to my "hell-i-day" season. This is the first two days in a row I've had off since the start of October. And it was my hope, my plan, to get caught up on the things that get pushed out of the way when life is so busy. I'm sure you can relate .. you come home from tired from work, and rather than spending the hour or two it takes to get something done completely, you do the bare minimums to keep the household running until you have more time. Take vacuuming for instance. Sure, zip the vacuum around on the places where everyone walks, but you don't take the time to move the chairs, vacuum the baseboards, that sort of thing. Everything gets a quick wipe down and you're ready to fall into bed, relax with a book, catching up with friends, or (say it isn't so!) zoning in front of the TV. 

 Even the best intentions, the best plans, can get side tracked with one little phone call. My daughter was taken ill and went to the ER on Friday, so of course I had to drive down and make sure for myself that she was ok. The drive down was uneventful, and I got a few really good pix of the sunrise. I left early enough that I could also catch my granddaughter's soccer game (Smurfettes lost, 1-3), but its so much fun to watch!! The drive back was a little rough -- it rained hard, the wind blew hard, and visibility in some places was down to half mile or so. I really hate driving behind trucks, all that water spitting up off their tires and onto my windshield! But it did me good to check on my daughter for myself. Now I'm just crossing my fingers for her doctor appointment on Monday that all goes well..... :) 

 Last Sunday when I worked, my BigBox store was having a Santa for pictures with the kids. And I didn't know it, but they were taking my Elvis for the position! This thought had me laughing my ass off, try and picture it with me: Jolly Old Santa in his typical red suit, white beard, black boots, wide black belt. We all know that picture. But Elvis needs his glasses, of course. Large white angular ultra modern frames, with transition lenses that always look as if he's wearing sunglasses .... (even in the deep dark recesses of the claims cage!) and sporting his tennis shoes with the neon blue soles. If I hadn't had to hang around for another two hours after my shift ended to see it, I would have gotten a picture... because a picture paints a thousand words! Suffice it to say .... "Whoa!" hahahaha 

 A slice of the craziness in my so called life. I'm wishing all of you a wonderful Holiday season, whatever that is for you. Use your time wisely -- you will never have this moment back!

HUGS to everyone!!