Tangled!

Why is love such a tangle? It seems to me that while some moments may seem clear, full of clarity, there are so many others that are all tangled, jumbled, and at times, hard to decipher. Of course, there's the "good" kind of tangled as well -- tangled in sheets, for example :)

Love is never easy. Women and men think differently about it; musicians sing about it, poets write about it, but in general, people live it. But it seems everyone has their own version of it. What works for some, doesn't work for others. I believe I am the same way: I have a version that works for me, and doesn't seem to fit in with the world's version in some ways. Not to bore you with details, I just draw that conclusion because I'm not male, but I don't think like many of my female acquaintances either. I guess I'm out of the stereotypical range. Which can be good. But I digress.

I love him. I have never met him, but I love him just the same. (In previous blogs, I have referred to him as Prof) We have had a long friendship of words. But that is the extent of it. I know that by standards, most people's or the media, our relationship isn't normal. I've tried explanations to a work friend, but the answers and feedback I get are all about how the world assumes a relationship ought to progress, so none of the advice suits the situation. I guess that's the best way to put it.

I'm sure someone in a psychiatric field would tell me that I should be putting myself first, to love myself enough to stop what they might call 'destructive behavior' (in its worst case scenario type language) or to stop 'enabling' (in the lovely jargon they use from time to time). Maybe another label they might put on it would be "co-dependent", as we are both ... hmmm... habitual in our want and need to chat with each other on a daily basis.

You're probably asking all kinds of 'why' questions, or maybe wondering how this all came about. damn. now I lost my train of thought. But mostly, your own questions will follow the usual paths of how things "should be". Believe me when I say that I've tried to break the habit, to ease back; I've tried to reason with myself, find other things, try real dating. Surely there are nice men out there. Somewhere. But damned if I know where. And when I chance coming across one who might be interested enough, and interesting enough .... eh. Just not interested.

I've come across many men whom I love, have loved, still love -- not with passion, more with the kind that says I care enough about you to want the best for you every day. But back to my original point: no matter our take on love, and its many different aspects, to each his own. We all have different needs and reasons for feeling like we do. And that includes love.... Why we love. How we love. Who we love. I will always love you, Prof.