“It's when I'm standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It's when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you're the only one who really knew me at all. It's when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It's when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.” -- James Frey
I found it yesterday, and something made me keep it, to copy it into my quotes file. I kept reading it over in my mind most of the night, and was trying all day to figure out why? And it finally came down to one line: "when I need someone to talk to that I realize you're the only one who really knew me at all."
And that, of course, brings up the other good question: Why don't I let people in??? I'm very reticent when it comes to getting close to someone. I don't do it often. If I do it with you, you should know that you're special to me :) Yes, I have ""friends"" but mostly they are people who talk to me, and I respond. It's not that I allow myself to share what's going on with me. It would be easy to place the reason on failed marriages, allowing myself to be vulnerable and loving someone and having them hurt me. But that wouldn't explain friendships with women -- I've never been married to one!!
I realize that part of it comes from the physicality I feel when I get close to someone. I've been able to do this off and on with people over the years. When I get emotionally close with them, I can "feel them" physically. OK, that kinda sounds nutty, but maybe its not so far out there....
The first time I noticed it, it was a man named Bill, we worked together for years, and became good friends. He was married, I was married, but we still remained friends. If the gang went out for drinks after work, we each kind of looked out for each other, making sure we stopped the drinks, had some water before attempting to drive home. If we didn't think one or the other could drive, we'd walk over to the local eatery and have a late supper before driving home. It got to the point where I could come in to work, be sitting at my desk. He would walk in the door and I could sense if one of his girls was sick, or if he'd had a fight with his wife. That kind of physicality.
I've also written about it before, when my Mom hurts her back, yep, I can feel it. Same with my Dad. My friend Helen has trouble with her feet. After we spend a bunch of time together, yep, I can feel her foot pain in my feet. Sometimes its a royal pain, because ... well, there's nothing really wrong with me, but it still feels like there is. I know, I read back on this and think WTF? Am I nuts?? Is this for real? I can't explain it. The first time or two that I had the weird back pain, I actually went to the doctor, he said there wasn't anything wrong, and to just rest, use a heating pad, all the usual tripe you get when they can't find something physical. *sigh*
All that to come back around to why I kept that quote. There are few people I let in. But I managed to let in a man known to me as Michael. We told each other everything, dished up advice, and were always there for each other. I've known him in that way for 8 years now. But I had to draw back from the relationship. I was giving my all, and it wasn't reciprocated. And frankly, I miss being able to have someone to lean on. Someone who doesn't really want anything from me, other than friendship, and advice to trade, along with great ideas and deep thoughts and random silliness.
Yesterday was one of those days
where I missed Michael
down to my toes.
but life goes on,
and I got past it
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