Break the Cycle

Does depression begin when exhaustion sets in?  Or does feel more and more exhausted when one is beginning to feel depressed?   I'm sure there are good arguments for both sides, but the real issue for anyone dealing with that is this:  How to break the cycle??????

I'm sure that some would say breaking the depression cycle would depend on why the person is depressed, or became depressed, in the first place.  Death in the family?  Bad breakup or divorce? Family issues?   While each of these might have its own pathway to recovery, the bottom line is its a pathway.   It's not a staircase where you take step, step, step and reach the top.  It's a process.  And in the meantime, no matter what else is going on, you still keep on living, and finding time inbetween the living moments to deal with the issue.

My father died in December.  I knew for 14 months it was going to happen.  That didn't make it any easier.  And I feel I'm a pretty strong person.  But when you couple other things on top of that, it becomes a heavy burden to carry.  And I'm single.  There's no one to lean on.  Just me.  And, of course, leaving my little tidbits here for you to read helps me at least say the things I'm thinking and feeling.

I live a fairly simple life.  I am like the rest of the bottom percentage of people who live paycheck to paycheck.  There isn't money for extras.  Vacations are a dream, never a reality.  My travel consists of driving to see my daughter once or twice a year, and flying up to see my parents.  And I'm ok with my simple life.  I have started over three times in my life after divorces where I asked for nothing, and just left with my basics.  I'm lucky in that I know how to stretch a dollar and be thrifty; it's how I was able to purchase my small starter house.  So I have no regrets there.

But from time to time, I wonder if it's enough.  Perhaps my mild depression comes from knowing that it's not enough - I need more people in my life.  But I'm torn because people means trusting, and I trusted my entire being with three different men, and  .... I think I'd better stop that train of thought.

I keep telling myself that I'll feel better when I'm not exhausted.  In truth, I'd probably feel a whole lot better if I could just lose 10 lbs.  I thought I was well on my way with this 30 day challenge of 30 minutes of exercise, in combination with my 10k steps a day.  But a simple little cold had its way with me, and there wasn't any extra energies to make that happen this week.  However.  I did make it to the park with Sadie; we had a nice long 40 minute walk, and then it was home made vegetable beef soup for dinner.

Maybe I shouldn't be feeling to bad -- or is it guilt?  (I'm an expert in guilt trips!)
Tonight's goal:  a few good hours of sleep.
Tomorrow's goal:  Go shooting pix somewhere after work.

There.  Two simple goals that I should be able to accomplish with ease.
Anything to break the cycle.