Finding Time

 

Ever feel like you're running out of time?

Or that there isn't enough time?





That has been my issue lately.  I am awake often during the night, and that becomes a problem.  Too tired the next day compounds the feeling of not having enough time.  One of my solutions in the past has been to make lists.

Having a To Do list helps you focus your energies where they're needed most.  But if you're "on task" at work 8+ hours a day and come home to another To Do list to keep you on task for the remaining of your day, where do you find down time?

It seems like everything is culminating, so many points that may be converging, the task of getting all the things done in the right order can be daunting.  I'm trying to have a more mindful 2017, that's my goal, but at the close of this year it feels as if that isn't going to be.

I'm growing older by the day, and now my sister has stage iv pancreatic cancer.  I'm getting a strong "nesting urge" to downsize as much as possible and I've been doing that with some of the "stuff" I have around here, going more minimalism if you will.   But there are issues I have as well.  My sister lives near my mother so it was natural for her to take over and help Mom with the new level of banking (online and all that), along with doctor emails and online forms, etc.  If Mom outlives my sister (ok, that sounds a little brutal, but I need a place where I can be honest, and yes, this is it), what will happen?  The online stuff and cell phones make it possible to do quite a few things long distance.  But what if there comes a point where Mom needs more?  Then what?  

Another concern is Mom being a collector.  She has lots of "stuff" and she really likes her stuff!   She isn't very willing to part with her things.  How will I handle that from this distance?  Rent a dumpster? Have a garage/estate sale?  There are so many issues to be determined and handled.  I know that my parents tried to give us a big helping hand by having a living trust and all that, but there's still so many other details!!    Aargh!

Since I'm a keeper of many notebooks, I think I need to make one just for this stuff, to write down questions and issues, get answers, names and phone numbers of things that may need to be taken care of.   Just having answers might keep the middle of the night questions at bay and I'll get sleep again.

The other side of me is freaking out, every little ache and pain is amplified in my mind and getting in to see the doctor can't happen soon enough!   Jan 12th, I'm counting down !   I can see why people seek out "miracles" -- reminds me of the early 20th century where men came and sold "snake oil" to folks, remedies to help a body feel younger, healthier, or any other positive spin on the signs we all get as we keep getting older.

The Steve Miller Band had a hit in 1976, "Fly Like an Eagle" and the chorus reads "Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future".

I want to fly like an eagle, to the sea

Fly like an eagle, let my spirit carry me

So I think I'm gonna grab that notebook and start making some notes, let the worries sit there in the notebook until I have or find answers, and make a little more time for the things I want to accomplish in 2017 -- maybe then I'll feel as if I can "Fly like an Eagle....." 

Attitude Counts!

This is one of those weeks that feel like it's in limbo.  It's the week between two major holidays.  And while I'm thoroughly enjoying the drive to and from work -- different traffic routes for some, others are off work, schools are closed, so less traffic for me -- I'm also feeling a little edgy from the whole limbo feel.

Part of that, and probably the main part, is my own attitude.  In my job, this is a huge week.  So many things are being returned by our wonderful customers.  My work load is at the very least tripled, and yet the wise leaders of my BigBox store have decided that instead of 40 hours, we're all getting 35 hours to get the job done.  Um.. Hello.  That's not going to work for me.  It's a huge stress to feel the need to be "on fire" at work for an entire work week in order to hustle and get the job done, and in less time than normal.  I'm definitely feeling the pressure.

I think others are feeling it too -- I was pulled into the office for a confab with the boss, she wanted to know why I wasn't saying "good morning" to her.  Well, wake up!  How can it be a good morning when you over-ride my knowledge of my department and how it needs to run and shorten the work week by 10 hours total in my dept?  And why are the panties in a wad over that fact?  Half the time when I go in, I don't get a good morning from her either.  Most times, it's an off to the side discussion of something that's going wrong, with very little positive input.  It gets to be very frustrating!

But.  Since the powers that be know what's best, I'm sticking to my schedule 

as that's what's been drilled into me 

for the past three months.  

And I'm smiling as big as my Sadie does 

as I walk out the door each afternoon 

an hour ahead of my normal time!! 

The Holi-Daze

Here we are on the other side of the whole Christmas ordeal - and I'm grateful, because it's quite an ordeal at work.

On the lighter side, I spend the holidays alone.  It's been this way for more than 10 years, and at this point, I prefer it.  Even though I'm alone, I'm not lonely.  I enjoy being with myself, and this year because there were two days off in a row for me, I got a major chore completed.  I painted my bedroom, changing it up from a girlish lavender to an elegant "silvery moonlight".  I even went so far as to paint the ceiling the same color as the walls.  It gives a very cohesive look, and I really like it!

Sometimes I worry about the whole "alone" thing, not for myself, but for how I'm perceived by others.  It makes the next work day a little difficult with all the "how was your Christmas" questions, but I can smile and say it was great!  Now it's time to put the room back together - and my new thing is being minimalist.

Most people who hear that word assume that it means a person lives without "stuff".  But for me, it means eliminating the 'stuff' that doesn't add value to my life.  For a long while, I was a huge collector of 'stuff'.  But as I get older, I realize that having stuff means there are more things to dust, to clean, to take care of, and I want less of that!   Where to draw the line?  I go back and forth sometimes, but every time I finally let go of something -- boy does it feel good!  There are things I will be passing to my children - keepsakes with meaning, etc - and doing it now, rather than waiting until they have to sort through my things after I die, I get to enjoy watching them use these things now.  And there's a great comfort in that!

I recently got rid of some old clothing that for some reason I'd been saving - and what a huge relief it was to let that go! Old corning ware dishes that I bought when I was in high school to fill my Hope Chest -- three marriages and several moves later I finally realized that I can let it go!

When it comes to my art, I find that I'm attracted to black and white photos, and adding minimalism to it just makes it that more appealing!  Perhaps it's a hint of my own intuition of my future, but that's OK with me too!

I'm Losing It!

I am an early riser.  My alarm rings at 4:40am, and then it's get up and go, stuff to do before heading to work.  I do my hair and face, then dress.   This is a normal routine and I bet I could do it half asleep.  And maybe I was today.

After getting dressed, I decided since it was raining to use the restroom one more time before going out into the cold (yep, I always feel as if I gotta pee when it's too cold!), so I put on my glasses, checked my email......  I keep spare reading glasses in the bathroom for those times when I forget to bring my own --- do some people still call it the "reading room"?? -- and for some reason, I took off my glasses, and hung them next to the spares.

I grab my coat, slip my phone into my pocket and reach for my glasses which I keep next to my alarm clock while I'm sleeping.  Uh oh, they're not there!  Thinking that I'd fallen asleep with them, or took them off and laid them on the pillow next to me, I started tearing apart the bed - pillows flying left and right, covers piling up at the bottom of the bed.  Pulling the mattress away from the wall, finding the flashlight to look and see if they slipped down between the bed and the wall -- damn, no glasses?!!?!?!   Aaargh!  A look at the clock and I realized that I'm going to be late for work, but I can't work without the glasses!  One last dash around the room, and a peek into the bathroom --- sheesh, Yep!  I hung them there with the other spare pair.  

Two weeks ago I couldn't find my car keys, thought I'd left them hanging in the mailbox slot, usually I hook them to my belt loop --- after 10 minutes of frantically searching my purse, I discovered they'd been in my hand all along!

Every now and again I think "Yep, I'm losing it!"
Thankfully, I wasn't late for work!!

Alone .. Not Lonely

The first day of winter.    The Holidays are nearly here.
Finally!
and then they'll be done.

All the hype and crazy-ness really get to me this time of year, and this year is just a little bit different.  I'm finally OK with saying "yes, I'll be alone for the holidays, but not lonely".  Maybe I'm weird, or just a little bit off center, but that's ok too.

I follow a blog by LonerWolf and today's posting was 50 different ideas what to do when you spend Christmas alone.  There were several things I agreed with as to the why's of being alone:  all the hype, people spending money they don't have to give gifts to people (some they don't even like very much!) and then having to pay off the debts as the new year rolls in.  Ugh.  Then there's the Christmas Story, and Santa Claus, and traditions.

As I grow older -- and wiser, of course! -- I knew back when I lived near family, and didn't work retail, that it wasn't the gifts that matter to me.  It was spending time with family, creating memories.  But most of my family is "into" the whole gift giving thing.  I don't begrudge them that if it gives them joy.  It gives me very little to none.  Unless it's something I create.  I'm an amateur photographer, and I take many photos.  So my gift to family is to put those photos into a calendar collage and give that as gifts.  Years ago I made a memory book for my BFF of the years we grew up together, complete with old 70s ads, lingo and "remember this?" items.  I like creating things, I like being able to give gifts with meaning.

Since I started retail, every year Christmas has become more difficult, and about 5 years ago, I stopped trying to create some kind of family gathering/atmosphere because it became so full of stress that there was no room for the joy.  That's not what the Holidays are about.  IMO.

So this year for Christmas, I plan on watching "Christmas Vacation"  - because it makes me laugh!

I plan on painting my bedroom - "Silvery Moonlight" - I've already edged, and it looks awesome!

Some of the other suggestions from LonerWolf were:

Spend the day indoors as a nudist - hmmm, not sure that's MY cup of tea!  
Take a walk in a local park - Sadie and I will most certainly do that.
To be creative in some way - a slide show DVD just might be in order!
Or some writing - I'm currently working on some family history writings, and a story/book based on my life in the 90s.  (Ever tried to write so that your life reads like good chick lit?  It's not easy!)

So no matter what your own plans for the holidays are,
do what brings you joy and happiness - even if that means you're alone, not lonely!

Walking

I love to walk, and every evening Sadie and I enjoy a walk around the neighborhood.

This being the first day of winter, here in the Valley of the Sun, we never know what that will bring.  Today, it was cloudy, and humid (well, for us anyways hehehe); we had sprinkles earlier in the day.  As we walked, there was a slight breeze, and riding on that breeze was the smell of wet desert, and someone's wood burning fireplace.

66 degrees is a perfect walking temp, and we covered an extra half mile, just because!
(ok, I had to steal this, because it made me laugh!   It's so true!!!)

Irritated - and then some!

Here I sit, irritated and agitated.  When I get this way, I like to turn my energy toward cleaning, or a project.  This month's project:  painting my bedroom.  I'm taking it from a two tone lavender to a single tone grey called "Silvery Moonlight".   And of course, there are so many 'things' in my bedroom, for every corner I want to paint out and prep for rolling, I have to move or put away (or better yet, TOSS OUT!) all the stuff, then prep the corner, and put things (ie furniture) back in position so that I can function through the work week with minimal effort.

I woke up and headed for work this morning, going in on my day off so that I can get things arranged and out of the way onto pallets.  We needed the room because this is the big weekend for layaway pickups.  But work being work, the minute they see me, it seems like every manager needed me to do a project for them.  Um.  No.  I am here on my day off.  No projects.  But they insisted.   And I tried, but the largest project they wanted done, cannot BE done until Monday.  So I stuck a note on it, and slipped out the door.

I was planning on doing shopping, but nope, not in my own store.  I was too irritated and agitated to make logical choices.  So off I went, heading toward home.  And the traffic!  It's the holidays, and yes, our snowbirds are here.  Most of them are driving slower, trying to find their way toward the next stop - and me, all I want is my normal 'commute traffic' on the way home -- people who drive the same road at the same time, know their way, and some even know how to time lights.
Nope.  Not.  Today.    UGH

Then, Sadie.  What can I say.  I'm tired, I'm irritated, and I can't get her to settle.  All I want to do is work on my paint project.  Find her a bone.  Play fetch.  Sit outside in the sun.  Nothing lasted more than 10 minutes before she would be underfoot or in my face, wanting ... I'm not sure what she wanted all day long.    

Until 5:30pm. *evil laugh*   I was fed up with her by then, and snapped her leash on her -- time for a freakin' walk.  And not just one of those leisurely "sniff and stroll" types.  We marched on and on -- according to my phone for 21 minutes at 3.4 mph.     20 minutes later, and she's laying here, still panting.  lol  

Yep. I'm a mean doggie mom!!

Purple Ribbon

  

You never know the when and where

all you can do is your best,

to keep your hopes up,

your chin high,

and live life to the fullest.

My sister had a biopsy today.

Her original diagnosis:  pancreatic cancer.

She's only 54 years old. 

We have our fingers crossed, 

prayers winging their way to heaven, 

that the biopsy shows a different outcome.  

I'm sad, and anxiously waiting because she's my sister.

But when I compare the closeness my mother and aunt have,

I realize my sister and I aren't that close.  

I'm blue collar, she's white collar.  

We live in different worlds:  

I'm paycheck to paycheck, and she's always had money.

But that doesn't change the facts. 

What worries me most is how this will affect my mother.

My sister lives near her, and has taken on a lot of the decision making processes regarding doctors, how to handle the bigger expenses like real estate taxes and insurance, you get the idea.  Of course, just 2 short years ago, Dad died after a year long battle with cancer himself.  She was the one who took care of all his needs through all the chemo and other doctor related issues.  It's too soon for her to do this again -- and with her own daughter. 

My heart is heavy trying to figure out what's right, what needs to be done, what should be done.  I'm torn over the fact that yes, I could take a hardship transfer from my BigBox store and move in, take care of things - but is that the right thing to do? the fair thing?  Both my kids live here, and my son is special needs.  Yes, he's grown up, but there are still life decisions/issues that need a helping hand where he's concerned.   Can I handle things long distance?   I could fly up once a month like I did for the last year of my Dad's life, but my sis was always able to pick me up at the airport.  Now I'd have to find some kind of ride? Rent a car?  All these major concerns to consider.  A lot of travel will impact my own life as well, especially money wise.  So now is the time to begin thinking in that direction.

Good thing I've stocked up on chicken breast, brown rice and green beans!  I'm set for the next month as far as groceries go!   (sounds boring, eh? lol ) 

Which also brings me 'round to the next issue:  my own health.  Time to get to my doc, get things checked out, let him know the latest, and see what needs to happen for myself as well.  

You just never know - so if you're putting off your own doctoring ... don't!