Life's Purpose

Life's purpose.  As far back as high school, I can remember being concerned about where my life would lead - what would my job or career be? Would I get married? have kids?   This is the beginning of our self discovery for our purpose in life.   As I look back, I realize that while we may do some preliminary discovery, our purpose may change with each decision we make.   Some people are lucky and just seem to know what their purpose in life will be.  My sister, for example, knew from an early age that she wanted to be a teacher.  Me?  I knew I didn't have it in me to do that!  Where she was outgoing and liked people, I preferred no people.  

But we graduate high school; some move on to university, and some to junior college, and some straight into the work force.  Some made their choices based on a relationship that was currently ongoing.  I tried the junior college route, preferring to go to night school while working a full time job.  And yes, a part of that choice was made because of a relationship at the time.  (Isn't it funny that we look back and wonder "WTF was I thinking???" )

Marriage.  Children.  Your purpose changes again.  You're working as opposed to having a real career.  Your purpose revolves around raising children.  You're left with decisions about how you want your children to be raised, with what values.  Once children are grown, your purpose may change yet again. Perhaps you're caring for aging parents, or about to enter that phase.  

We're always having to rethink our purpose, why we do what we do.  

I'm at another stage of that process.  I spent many years working and preparing a path to make my son's life just a little bit easier.  It was my goal to buy a house, and have it paid off, so his life wouldn't be such a struggle when it was my time to leave this earth.  But his suicide changed all that, and now? What's my purpose?  

I go to my job, because it's expected.  And I'm taking care of my Mom now, because it's expected.  But what is my reason for doing what I'm doing now?  I find these thoughts troubling at times.  Expectations we had when we were younger and still learning sometimes fall short of the reality once we get there.  I remember being young, elementary school, and they talked often about the "Golden Years".  That was back when Dad's worked at a job where there was a pension, and you retired at the golden age of 65 and then spent your days being a little more care free, less stressed.  But the world has changed so much since then.  Instead of a pension, you find yourself putting your own funds into a 401k or something similar to save money for your retirement.  Only retirement gets pushed further and further away.  Instead of 65, it's 66, 67 or 68.  And even then, if you haven't done some due diligence in saving for your future, you end up working all of your days.. I work with several people who are in their 70s and having to work because they can't afford to life on just their social security. 

So why am I rambling about all this??  Some days I feel like I'm ready to retire, to take my money and run.  But then I take a day or two off and wonder what the hell would I do with myself all day if I didn't go to work every day?  Because working every day is a way of life for me. It's what I do, have always done.  

Think hard about your life's purpose.  Make a plan.  You can always change it, but having a direction makes the road a lot easier.  

Life Balance

Trying to find a good life balance when you add up all the things a person wants to accomplish in a day or a week, it's not an easy task! 

My work life consumes 10 hours a day, then there's walking the dog, finding time to do a few chores and squeeze in a little exercise as well, and before you know it, it's bedtime!  And there's paperwork that didn't completed, maybe a few bills needed to be paid, then add in the creative stuff that I enjoy doing. 

Where did I find all the time to do those things in the past ?????

And how will I create time for myself to do those things now ?

With everything that's been going on, sometimes just getting through the work day is the only struggle I can get through.  Other days, it goes a little better and I feel like I get a few things accomplished.  I am in awe over how much I can get done just on my phone, and yet, it still doesn't seem like it's enough some days. 

One day at a time

It helps to make a list

I like the feeling I get when I can actually check something OFF my list!

Which reminds me, I need to make a "Honey Do" list for my son in law when he's here next week.
(He doesn't know it yet, though. haha)

Because today was a better day than most,
here's a photo of the flowers I planted last week
using the new Canon camera and filter I shopped for today!

Every Little Story

Dear Brian,

It's been a moody week for me; I move from task to task as best I can, but multi-tasking is beyond me and each interruption is like a burr under a saddle -- irritating as all get out.  My mind doesn't stay on any one thing, and I find I need to constantly check that I haven't lost or misplaced anything.  I've already lost my debit card, a booklet that I read every day and found comforting.  I set things down and can't remember where I left them, and I wander around doing tasks and only half complete them.  Not that many of the chores at home matter -- if they don't get done today, tomorrow is another day!

The family is worried, so I promised to see my doc.  That's next Thursday.
Today was the day I had the oil changed and tires rotated on the car at Earnhardt.

But in between the ordinary, every time I remember a story about you, I stop whatever I'm doing and write it down.  I've been posting them on www.forevermissed.com/brian-court .  Because I can't bear the thought that no one else will know you as well as I did.  You were an awesome son, intelligent and humorous; you didn't show all these things to every person.  You kept a lot of your thoughts to yourself, and let little bits shine through.  Anyone who got to see those little bits was special!

Your Uncle Dave asked me for something of yours to have.  It was easy enough to decide.  The knife that was your grandfather's ... he has that now and will pass it to Christopher or Anthony some day.  I also sent him a guitar pick, and your shot glasses from the Corvette factory - he collects shot glasses!  As I was gathering up things, I noticed your VW hot wheels with the Nickelodeon logo on it, he just bought himself a cute little VW to drive around town.  He sent me a text and thanked me for sharing. 

Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm thankful, it's been a long week.  But work is messing with my schedule -- isn't it always that way in retail ??   So I'm off Saturday and Wednesday for the next two weeks.  Ugh.  Sadie misses you, and seems to be lonely when I'm at work.  She wandered in your room and took a nap in there Tuesday. 

Just a few tidbits to share with you!
I miss you always,
Love, Mom

Purple Ribbon

  

You never know the when and where

all you can do is your best,

to keep your hopes up,

your chin high,

and live life to the fullest.

My sister had a biopsy today.

Her original diagnosis:  pancreatic cancer.

She's only 54 years old. 

We have our fingers crossed, 

prayers winging their way to heaven, 

that the biopsy shows a different outcome.  

I'm sad, and anxiously waiting because she's my sister.

But when I compare the closeness my mother and aunt have,

I realize my sister and I aren't that close.  

I'm blue collar, she's white collar.  

We live in different worlds:  

I'm paycheck to paycheck, and she's always had money.

But that doesn't change the facts. 

What worries me most is how this will affect my mother.

My sister lives near her, and has taken on a lot of the decision making processes regarding doctors, how to handle the bigger expenses like real estate taxes and insurance, you get the idea.  Of course, just 2 short years ago, Dad died after a year long battle with cancer himself.  She was the one who took care of all his needs through all the chemo and other doctor related issues.  It's too soon for her to do this again -- and with her own daughter. 

My heart is heavy trying to figure out what's right, what needs to be done, what should be done.  I'm torn over the fact that yes, I could take a hardship transfer from my BigBox store and move in, take care of things - but is that the right thing to do? the fair thing?  Both my kids live here, and my son is special needs.  Yes, he's grown up, but there are still life decisions/issues that need a helping hand where he's concerned.   Can I handle things long distance?   I could fly up once a month like I did for the last year of my Dad's life, but my sis was always able to pick me up at the airport.  Now I'd have to find some kind of ride? Rent a car?  All these major concerns to consider.  A lot of travel will impact my own life as well, especially money wise.  So now is the time to begin thinking in that direction.

Good thing I've stocked up on chicken breast, brown rice and green beans!  I'm set for the next month as far as groceries go!   (sounds boring, eh? lol ) 

Which also brings me 'round to the next issue:  my own health.  Time to get to my doc, get things checked out, let him know the latest, and see what needs to happen for myself as well.  

You just never know - so if you're putting off your own doctoring ... don't! 

Celebrate Life!

When a child is born, we celebrate!  It's one of life's most precious gifts.  And each new child is given a life to lead on this Earth.  But what happens when someone dies?  We have a hard time celebrating because of our own pain, our own mourning, our own feelings.  We miss the one we lost.  It hurts when someone we love is no longer in our lives.

The truth is, we should celebrate the time we had with a person, no matter the length of time we had with them.  Today was that kind of day.  It was sad to say goodbye to Dad, but the memorial service we planned was a celebration of his life!  My sister knows how to plan great parties, and this one was the greatest of all!  We had a worship service, sang the hymns Dad had requested, the choir sang the song Dad liked so well - they even wore their choir robes because that's what he wanted! - and my sister spoke, giving a loving tribute to him.  I was so proud! because she has the ability to speak in front of a crowd.  Me?  I always say "My Dad was a man of few words -- and I'm just like him!!!!"

We showed slides of Dad throughout his life that I made for him on the last Father's Day.  Some of them were funny enough to make the entire crowd laugh out loud!  And I was so pleased about that - people needed to be able to put a visual to all the facets of the man my father was.

After, there was a reception of finger foods, and we had put up special photos of Dad everywhere, and showed even more slides from his life.  So many people came to honor him - some were people who didn't know him, but who know his children.  How a man raises his children says a lot about the man he was.  Of course, after that, everyone headed back to the house - the house my parents have lived in for 49 years! and we continued the party, the stories, the celebration.


I'm proud to say I'm his daughter.
and I know that he was proud of me.

Celebrate Life!
We sure did today !!

You are missed, Dad!  love you :)

A Little Silliness

I think these

are keys to a good life.

Looking back on these things

will be a life well lived.


 Today's memory is a silly one:

Dad used to tell people

we were rich because we had

TWO dishwashers:

Their names were Linda and Lori! 

*giggling to myself here,
I used to get a real kick
out of hearing him tell that!*

This is the first in a series of posts "ToMyDad" --
his days on this earth may be numbered,
but each one is precious.
I'm taking time to send him something,
some kind of memory, some kind of thought,
every day in the mail.
Everyone loves snail mail, right ??
**smiles** 

The Note Jar

“How would your life be different if…

You stopped worrying about 

things you can’t control 

and started focusing on the things you can?

 Let today be the day…

You free yourself from fruitless worry, 

seize the day and take effective action 

on things you can change.”

-Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth and Being Free

One of the hardest things to do is to live in the moment, to make sure that today counts for all that it can.  I saw a post on Facebook that seemed a good idea.  Why not start a 'note jar' - and when something good happens, jot a note and the date, drop it in the 'note jar'.  At the end of 2013, pull out your notes and review the good things!  This helps takes the focus the negative, and helps you look at the positive in your life!

A living journey

"Just maybe it is not so much
the finding as it is the searching."

Is life about the end result? or the journey? Which way do you see it?

Learning to find the balance between the two can often be difficult for all of us. This is a topic that was touched on a few days ago, and has caused me to take a step back and think about it, ponder it. For me, its not about the end result. The pleasure is the quest itself. And lately, I'm on a journey of self, and its great! I'm learning things, finding new things, that bring me pleasure. There's a certain release in knowing that I can do it, all on my own. Yes, there are drawbacks to not having a mate, significant other, someone to hold me in the night. But the tradeoff ... I can come and go as I please. I don't answer to anyone how I spend my money, or my time. I can eat, sleep, shower, or do chores when the mood strikes me.

A friend from out of state was here, and we did a few touristy thing together. I hadn't really thought about how accustomed I have become to living life my own way. But it was pointed out that when it comes to my photograpy, I tend to stop here or there, stoop, stretch, reach, or just plain wander off in search of that perfect shot, never saying anything to the person I'm with, I just do what I feel I need to do. In my defense, I kind of get in a 'zone' when it comes to taking pix and finding that perfect shot. Another side note: I prefer to be the driver! (hehehehe.... )

The bottom line seems to be making sure that you live each day in a way that gives you pleasure while you do what needs to be done. And don't take anything, or anyone, for granted!

HUGS to everyone!!