Decisions, Decisions

I really dislike deciding things.  What's for dinner?  I don't want to make that decision every single day.  My solution?  I cook a week's worth of meals on my day off, and that's what's for dinner.  If I cook chicken and rice, then it's chicken and rice for the next 4 days.  While that may sound a little boring, there's no stress about what to make, no time needed to make it, and it's one less thing to decide.

Most women wonder, "What to wear".  I don't do that much any more either.  After years of working for the same BigBoxStore, when they came up with specific pants and polo shirts to wear as the "uniform", then I bought a dozen polos in the correct color, and pants to go with it.  I wash one day a week and my closet, while looking very boring when it comes to work clothes, there is NO struggle with what to wear.  You just get up and put on the same thing every day.  Boring?  Absolutely.  But without the stress of that daily choice.

You'd think that doing both these things would make it much easier when the time comes to make other decisions.  But I don't like it.  Recently, I had to source and research companies who do asphalt shingles.  Sheesh.  Talk about being the world's worst thing to have to decide.  After a LOT of talking to men "in the business", I had it up to my eyeballs and just picked one.  The guy who came out was nice, he explained things, and gave me a written price.  And reduced the price by $200 if I made my choice right then and there.  No brainer.  I chose!  We had to haggle on the down payment a little bit -- it's not easy coming up with $3k on the spot.  But it's a done deal, supplies are ordered for the project and should be installed before the end of February.   And it will be a load off my mind because the monsoon season here will fast approach (starts June 15) and I shouldn't have any worries about a leaky roof. 

I'm so happy to be past the decision making process! 
Back to my normal life --- chicken and rice for dinner, pants and polos for work.
And hopefully no more stressful decisions!

The Power of Lists

When things start to become overwhelming, the one thing I do, that I've always done, is make a list.  I checked on Google (THE best place for gathering intel -- even if you have to screen some of it!) and even though it is very old fashioned, making a list of things to be done helps your brain.  If you have a list in hand, you don't have to ponder over things or worse, over-think them.

Like grocery shopping.  If you have a list, you just grab the things on your list and go check out.  There's no wandering down an aisle and wondering "Do I have enough toilet paper?"  If it's on your list, the answer is no!  Because you already checked.  You can stop using your brain cells to formulate the answer to that question, and use them for something else.

Lately, I've begun to make lists for everything that needs doing.  When it comes to home ownership, you need a list of things that you do, or that need doing.  And if you're like me, you have it arranged by room.  Like when did you change the air filter last?  Or when was that plumber here to fix the leak?   You need this information to make an informed decision for the next time as well.  And lets face it ... I'm 60 now and don't remember things as well as I used to!

Even though I consider myself pretty tech-savvy, I know there are probably dozens of list making apps I could install on my phone.  But I don't.  I make two types of lists:  One type is a notebook so that I can list the things I did (like change the air filter) and then add the next time it needs to be done.  I also have a short to-do list that I jot on 3x5 cards so I can pop it into my pocket and check it during my work day --- or maybe it finds its way into my hands -- and reminds me there's something on it that really needs to be done, like "pick up toilet paper".  A real necessity, something you truly don't want to forget to do!!!  lol




Productivity goes up when you make yourself a list,
but more important, worry and stress are reduced!
And at this stage of my life, that's important,
along with making my life just a little bit simpler!

How much??

How much can a person endure?  When I was growing up, and then when raising both my kids who were classified as "handicapped"  -- old school word, but that's what it was -- I told myself that God wouldn't give me any more than I could handle.  But to put it another way, God would help me handle what I've been given. 

It's been a very difficult year, and I'm not sure how much I can handle now.  Because I'm handling it all on my own.  I'm trying to get estimates on having the roof replaced.  I still have some banking duties to get done concerning my son.  Whenever I attempt to get it handled, my anxiety kicks in (which causes digestive issues) and I have to scrap the trip.  Today in the mail, my bank notified me that my mortgage payment hasn't been deposited.  I logged in to the website, and yeah, there's no January payment.  AArgh!  And now, it's the weekend, nothing will get done.  Monday is my very busy work day and I'm not sure I'll have time to make a phone call -- guess I'll have to make the time. 

*shaking my head*

Then there's a problem with my HOA account and the payments I've been making. 
Just WTF is going on ????

I look back over the past six months, and I realize that I've not been myself.  Or that things are different, and I'm handling them differently.  Or there's the other side, I suppose, if I'm being honest.  Without my son, my purpose seems to be missing.  Sort of the whole "it doesn't matter if chore A or chore B gets done, no one's here to see it" kind of thing.  Too easy to just sit and veg out in front of the TV and do nothing. 

I make lists of things that need to be done ... sometimes they get done, and sometimes they don't.  I need to be a little more diligent, or to put in some effort again.

I'm hoping that spring and warmer temps will make a difference!!

Discouraged but not down and out,
more later!

The Joy Of Pie

I haven't been writing much.
In fact, I haven't been doing much of anything, I guess you could say.
Work. Eat. Walk Sadie. Sleep.

It hasn't been easy.  Or maybe it feels like it's not easy because everything seems to take a lot of effort.  Like closing Brian's bank account.  There's one last thing to do: cashing in some savings bonds from his grandparents.  It's not a lot of $$ but still needs to be taken care of.  Then there's getting a new roof on the house.  I figured Home Depot would be the way to go, but that was a dead end.  When I stopped in at the bank this morning, there were 8 people in line so I turned around and left.  I need to get a driver's side visor ordered, but haven't gotten around to that, either.  My days off work seem to be spent just "resting" and doing chores. 

I'm trying to make efforts, but one day at a time. 

Today, I decided on a treat for myself as I was grocery shopping.  I found an individual Coconut Cream Pie -- and it was delish!!    My Dad and I both liked this flavor of pie.  Ahh the memories.

Sometimes it's the little things that bring us joy!

Meltdown Into Spring

It was not a good night for me last night.  I was asleep early -- as I always am after working all day -- but I woke up after about 90 minutes with a belly ache.  I was thinking I had food poisoning or the flu so I turned on a DVD of MASH and watched TV to wait out the feeling bad.  A heating pad on my belly helped quite a bit.  Maybe I was sore from going to the gym on Thursday.

But as I'm watching MASH, it was an episode where BJ was missing his family, got drunk and started painting the camp red. When Hawkeye caught up with him, he spilled his hurt feelings to his friend.  And it got to me.  I had my own kind of meltdown, cried and cried some more over the loss of my son.  I know that I'll never truly get over it.

So today to combat the dregs leftover from the meltdown, I ventured out on a walk.  It was a hard frost last night, but once the sun came out, it felt warm even when it was only 50 degrees. But that didn't stop me from trying to find signs of spring.  I think I needed to have the reassurance that things are looking up.    A part of that plan in this new year is to take more photos as I'm taking my walks.

I found this tiny sprig of Texas Sage with a bloom. 
There will be more when it warms up,
but nice to find that first sign.

Finding positive things in life
after the loss of someone important
is one of the hardest things
a human goes through.

At Home

Dear Brian,

It's a week past all the holiday hullaballoo and it was a rough one.  Being without you hurt like hell.  I could always count on you stopping by on Christmas Day to break up the ... boredom.  You know how it is in retail, I have to work the day before and the day after .... so one day for travel and festivities is just too much to pack into one day on my own.

In the middle of the night, the flush lever on the toilet broke.  So off to Walmart to buy a part and cross my fingers that I could fix it myself.  I found that the nut wasn't righty tighty ... after about a dozen tries of trying to get it off.  lol   When it comes to these little home repairs I miss you !!!

I had lunch at Brown Bear Diner today with Helen, my friend from work.  She managed fabrics and crafts just like I did for many years, so we're two peas in a pod!!  It was good to catch up and see her again. 

Work is bad. My workload was double what it usually is in a week, and they chewed my out for having 30 minutes of overtime ... not even $20 on my paycheck. *smh*  So, it's back to making sure I take every single break, a full hour for lunch and extra work ?? Nope.  They get what they what.  Or so they think. 

Sis has been having trouble with Miss B -  telling lies and not following the rules.  Personally, I think their issues are two fold:  she's nearly 18 and has had issues with sampling alcohol, so maybe there are other things being sampled.  That can cause real issues when you're also dealing with all the raging hormones stuff they do.  Then there's the lies:  they all need lessons in talking and listening - maybe even more so the listening part.  Miss B got her learner's permit to drive and T never bothered to mention it.   I raised that girl to be independent, but there are limits!

Can't believe it's been 10 years since we first moved into the house... Time flies!!   I took your idea for quarter round boards to paint and put along the backsplash .... I painted them bright red and installed them today.  Looks pretty good!!

Anyways, son, there aren't enough words to tell you how much you're missed
with love,
Mom

A Walk in the Park

It was a beautiful day
sunny and 70 ....
so I forced myself out of the house
and took a walk in the park.

Caught this cute little bunny mid-chew!






Not sure this was what I needed
but it couldn't hurt!

I wasn't sure how much I could endure;
this was the park Brian and I walked around
before we stopped in to the library for books/videos,
and hit Taco Bell on our way home
every Thursday for years!

Memories and tears welled up,
but it was good.

Holes

In the holiday whirlwind.....


There is a huge empty hole .....
And lately I try filling it with food
Because I don't  have
Correction, I haven't found something
better to fill it.

A difficult holiday season
And we're still in the whirlwind.
I'm tired.
Too tired to make changes.
Having someone else to take care of me
If only for a few minutes.

Fall Colors

In an effort to be more creative,  my resolution is to take more photos.

This evening's walk, a fall colored tree, with the moon high above.