Total Blues

Since I received my Beast, and set her up, I have been faithful in jumping on and logging some mileage most days.  I usually take Sunday and Thursday off for a break.  I have been faithfully logging my meals, and making sure I get enough water each day.  I have cut out sugars.  And after three long weeks of struggling with mood swings -- probably because I feel hungry, or deprived -- I am happy to say that I have managed to gain almost a pound.  How disappointing.  And it's given me a horrid case of the blues.

Needless to say, when the blues start in on a person, it's much easier to compound itself.  In the overall scope of things, I haven't been successful in relationships.  None have lasted more than seven years.  In my career -- can retail be called a career??  I guess for some, if you move up the corporate ladder, but I didn't take that route.  And so, my job is mostly a bunch of folks that seem like misfits -- employed somewhere because there wasn't any "real" place for them. Us.   

When you talk to people who are ... trainers, dieticians, wellness coaches ... they say it drills down to numbers.  But those numbers seem to be generalized for folks who want/need to lose say 20-30 lbs.  Cut out sweets.  Reduce your calorie intake.  Exercise more.  Again, it's me, I'm a misfit.  That doesn't work for me.  Oh sure, I can force it.  I lost 40 lbs back in 2013, but I was a slave at the gym.  My day in retail doesn't consist of a bunch of hours sitting behind a desk.  I routinely get 10k steps just at work.  Then I would devote 45-60 minutes 5-6 days a week burning calories at the gym.  I was even reduced to 1200 calories a day.  Sure.  It worked.  But the ONLY way to keep it off was to keep up that rhythm.  Once I quit devoting all my time to the gym and got back to doing things *I* enjoyed doing when I wasn't working, the pounds came right back.  And I couldn't stop it.  Now, in order to lose anything, I have to eat less than 1200 calories a day.  By the time my work day is done, I'm so famished and fatigued that getting on the treadmill isn't possible.  All I want to do is fall into bed.  

I'm at a dead end, on a never ending merry-go-round and can't seem to win.

Being at a job for 9+ hours a day and then another hour a day working out ... it's not really living.

There's got to be a better way.

I just haven't found it yet.

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UPS Blues

UPS:  Lousy Service !!

There's a reason I choose UPS to ship my packages ... I have had trouble with the post office in the past, and so in order for my packages to be delivered, I opt to pay the little bit extra to ship UPS.  I did this 10 days ago, shipping from Mesa, AZ to Tucson, AZ.  Usually, that's a one or two day deliver.  During the busy holiday season, sometimes 5 days.  

This time, I shipped a small bubble wrap envelope, 8x10, and inside were some hand sewn masks for my kids.  The package weighs less than a pound.  I was charged $10 and change to ship this.  And frankly, the cost of the items inside the package were negligible -- until you add in the labor for all the sewing I did to make masks that fit my family well.    Of course, I didn't declare the value to be over $50, but with masks selling easily at $10 a piece, then yes, my package value was $100.  

What I'm even more frustrated about is the fact that I can't connect with anyone via the internet.  It forced me to first create an account, and then when you add in my tracking number, it tells me that tracking number isn't listed under my account.  Well whoop-tee-doo.  Without instructions to connect my account to this tracking number, I cannot even begin to start a claim.  

Because THEY made the error, I am forced to drive back to the store and do ... what?  Begin a claim, I am hoping.

I realize that with all this COVID stuff and extra online shopping and shipping, I need to be a little bit reasonable.  But I get very frustrated because I opted and paid for UPS to ship my package.  If they subcontracted it to the postal service .... Grrrrrrr.   What's the point of choosing a reputable company if they're going to give it to them anyways?  

.

I know that $hit happens.  

But this was important to me.

So UPS vs Fed Ex ... which is better???

Spelunking at Golden Dome

1990 was a very busy year for me and my family.  With a new man in my life, we were busy trying to blend his kids and mine by going on camping trips, among other things.  One of our trips was to Lava Beds National Monument in northeast California.

"Lava Beds National Monument is a land of turmoil, both geological and historical. Over the last half-million years, volcanic eruptions on the Medicine Lake shield volcano have created a rugged landscape dotted with diverse volcanic features."

Golden Dome is one of the more challenging caves to explore; you enter the cave by going down a steep ladder.  (We were here more than once, after my first trip down the ladder, I didn't go a second time! hehe)


The kids enjoyed going into caves.  As you can see, they carried flashlights and wore a hard hat for safety.  When we arrived here, we explored the first cave and found it was cooler inside than out, so we grabbed up our lunches and ate down in the cave before we started exploring the rest of them.

Family memories become so important in the later years.  I'm sure my daughter's memories are different than my own, but it's something we both shared, even if she wasn't thrilled at the time.  The other girls were more ... tomboy-ish than my own daughter; trudging around in jeans and getting dirty wasn't her thing  ....  she enjoyed dresses and such when she was at home!

At my age, I'm not sure I'd be thrilled trudging around in caves and such, but I'm glad I had the opportunity when I was younger. 

“You never change your life 

until you step out of your comfort zone; 

change begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

I cry

Dear Brian:

It's Friday, and I'm off work because I am covering the next 5 days for Reena, who is off on vacation.  Not that anything is a vacation these days, just time away from work, since we're all still stuck at home in so many cases.   This COVID thing is still making people a little bit crazy ... except for me.  Things for me seem very normal -- I go to work and then I'm a home-body and enjoy my solitude!

But it's been a rough week for me.  It feels as if every time I turn around, there's a reason to think about you and I get sad all over again, my heart breaks, I cry.  I can't believe you you chose your way out.  No matter how strong you think I am, it's not the same without you.  I was strong because I needed to be, for my kids.  Now there's not as much reason.  

But I keep going because that's what I do.

How I wish ....

How I wonder ....

But I will never know.

I love you

Mom

The Psychic

My son Brian was very artistic, along with having musical talent.  I always wished he would do more with both of them.

I found this drawing stacked with some old photographs.  I'm not sure when Brian drew this, but it was before 1998.  And it reminded me of a time when I saw a "psychic". 

I was about 20 and my friend was having this party -- sort of like a Tupperware thing, only we each saw this gal named Alayne.  I wasn't sure I wanted to attend, because I didn't believe in any of that kind of thing.  But I felt I needed to be supportive of my friend, so I went.  But not without taking some precautions that this woman could read me based on what I was wearing.  I removed all my jewelry and dressed casually.

We gathered at my friend's house, six gals, and started with a glass of wine and a little tittering being nervous about being told ... our future.  When the doorbell rang, it was Alayne, and she came in and was introduced to each of us.  She took one look at me and said "You will take a lot of energy, I need to do you last."  I'm sure I blinked several times, mostly in shock.

When it came my turn, I have to admit I was feeling very sure of myself, not being a believer and all, and assumed this would be just a lot of broad, general statements.  I sat down opposite her.  She took a very deep breath, then asked me to shuffle some cards.  She turned a few over and I was ready for the usual "you will find the love of your life when you turn ...." but that's not what happened.

She looked me square in the eye, without glancing at the cards she overturned and said "You're married and your husband rides a motorcycle."  (We couldn't afford 2 cars and he did ride a motorcycle to work).  She said the dream I had about what I would do in life would take me in a different direction (I think I might have rolled my eyes at this point).  Then she said "You'll have two kids, a girl and boy, and they will be artistic.  Make sure you encourage that side of them at a young age.  But I see six kids in your household."  (Eeeeek!  SIX???)   She told me that my girl will like the color purple.  And she told me the man I was in love with wasn't a good match; that he had to leave the way he did because he thought I needed to marry my high school sweetheart.

I knew then that this woman, Alayne, had some kind of gift.  She knew things that no one else did.  Yes, I married my high school sweetheart, but the man I was in love with was .. another story.

The things she told me didn't convert me to believing in psychics, but she opened my mind to other possibilities that I hadn't been exposed to before now.   And 40 years later, I suspect that Alayne knew I would take a lot of energy to "read" becauseI discovered I am an empath and high sensitive person.

In retrospect, it's easy to say a little girl will like purple -- when I look back at photos, yes, she liked purple!  And my son had many artistic qualities.  I ended up remarried to man with four kids, making a household of six kids!  I was a stay at home mom for 4 years with them all :)    And the man that I loved ... walked away from me and I never heard from him again.  I still think of him every year on his birthday, October 4th.

It's amazing where life takes us!

Morgan Park 1990

Having lived most of my life in Santa Clara, 

going to different parks around the city 

wasn't a part of what I did ... until I had kids.  

We would venture to many places just to 

explore.  Morgan Park in Campbell was the 

park where Tanya's hearing specialist held her annual picnic.   We always went! 

Here's Brian in action, tossing a Frisbee!

It was a fun place for kids to play, there was a lot of room for running around, and plenty of picnic tables and places to sit as well.  

I decided to select two random photos from 1990 to find something to write about.   One of the things on my TO DO list is to appreciate the things we did and the memories we made.  The only person to share them with will be my daughter.  (It makes me  sad, but we keep moving on.)  That doesn't mean I can't share them for me.  Maybe some day I will have forgotten things, and need to be reminded.  Ha Ha

Memories 

are timeless treasures 

of the heart.

Family Memories

When I was much younger, and the kids were young (the 1990s), we were always planning getaways, day trips, camping trips, travel trips ... you name it, we were trying it!

We created so many wonderful memories!

Here's Brian, eating cotton candy along the waterfront in Seattle.  We visited the Space Needle and the Aquarium. 

I've been working on scrap books and photo albums, and posting everything I find on Brian on his forevermissed.com page as a tribute to every memory I have of him.  I'd forgotten about this photo.  But looking at old photos and old memories is a mixed blessing.  I love the memories, but it's just so unbelievable that he's not here any more.  And that hurts like nothing else ever.  I'm thankful that I have a place where I can write down the memories I have, add some detail whenever I can remember it, and ponder the ups and downs of raising this special little boy.  His quick wit and comebacks are missed a lot.

"Family history is a perishable commodity.

It disappears with time, as memories fade, and as loved ones pass on.

I wish I had known that the most important aspect of family history 

is preserving a record of the present for the future."  -Guy Black

This quote has been a huge part of my fascination and drive to locate family history.  So much of it is lost.  I've located facts and corrected names and dates because someone got them wrong at some point.  And frankly, I've had two sets of grandparents who were of the mindset to "let bygones be bygone", and didn't want to share family stories.  

And so, I share as much as I can, writing notes with photos, adding more than just a name and date.  I have an old family photo of the entire family at a lake.  All it says is July 1927.  Why was everyone at the lake?   All these questions that could be answered if only someone had taken the time.  It's my goal to take that time for my children.  Child.  Only my daughter carries on, and she only has one daughter as well.  Maybe someone else will pick up the genealogy bug and pass along our family stories.  

Be Creative: Masks

Being creative can be great therapy!  It's one of the things I enjoy .... and I don't do it often enough.  Maybe one of the reasons is that I have too many kinds of creative that I enjoy, and there's not enough time to do them all! 

Writing.  Photography.  Scrapbooking.
And now .... masks for this COVID thing.
Arizona is beginning to open things up, altho Walmart and grocery stores have been open the whole time.

But one of the requirements for being open is having to wear masks.  And the paper ones are horrible to wear for an 8 hour shift!  By the end of the day, the paper fibers begin to break down and you feel as if you've swallowed a roll of TP.

So I decided to make some masks.  I made a couple rudimentary ones on my own -- no pattern, but they slip up and off the chin, the nose, etc.  And they were hand stitched and begin unraveling with each wash.  These were a pattern, and are sewed so that they won't unravel.  And the fact is they were fun to create! 

Since it requires setting up a table and getting my sewing machine out of storage, I don't do sewing projects often.  The machine is set up, so I'll probably sew up just a few more tomorrow before I pack it all away again.  I was lucky to have most of this fabric on hand.  I'm a little bit on the weird side, I'm a very tactile person and have always loved fabrics.  When I worked in the fabric dept, I was always bringing home bit and pieces that I liked a lot!  Who knew that there would come a day when I was thankful that I kept what I did.  haha   The only thing I purchased was a pack of skinny hair bands.  Not bad for a $3.50 investment and a few spare hours!

When the going gets tough,

the tough get creative!

Kids' Artwork

Kids' artwork .... I wish I had kept more of it,

but what I kept is truly precious to me.

This drawing by my daughter makes me smile

every time I look at it !   She was probably 5

at the time she made it.








This butterfly was probably already cut

out, but my son added daubs of paint

and it was folded and pressed to create

a design ... love this one too!

He was in preschool. 



There are so many gifts we're given over time.

Some of them are practical and we use them for their intended purpose.....

Some of them are impractical and perhaps sit on a shelf for a time .....

But none of them measure up to the memories that stir within us

when it's something created from the heart ---

especially the heart of children!

I'm in the midst of my "summer project" (because we spend so much time indoors due to the heat) so I always try and rustle up some kind of project that will keep me busy indoors -- watching hours of TV while munching bon-bons isn't good for the waistline!  This year it's working on my scrap books and digitizing some of the more memorable items.  Like these!

Old Fashioned Sewing

I'm old, and sometimes old fashioned.  But that's just my upbringing.  My mom grew up having to sew most of her own clothes, and so growing up she made all my clothes as well as my sister's.  In fact there were a few times where she sewed the entire family a get-up.

The first one I remember seeing is this really ugly brown plaid.  The dime store must have had a deal on it, because she sewed Dad a shirt, herself a maternity dress, and dresses for me and my sister.  Ugh!  I wasn't much into fashion, and Mom was always very practical.  In fact, after we grew out of our clothes, Mom would cut squares out of the usable portions and sew them into a quilt for each of us.  Growing up, I had a quilt full of squares that I could "name" :  that was my fav yellow dress, or my fav purple skirt .... you get the idea. I had that quilt until I moved out and moved into a bigger bed!

I didn't mind the home sewn clothing -- at least not most of the time.  I had one of a kind pieces that fit every curve; I didn't wear off the rack, and no one else had what I had.  And Mom wanted to make sure that I knew how to sew; I took a sewing class in school, and then when I was a high school senior, I decided to sew my own prom dress.  It was a rusty orange, and looked great on me! Again, a custom fit, custom length.  I was very pleased with myself! 

I can't remember when I got this old Kenmore, the folks gifted me with it.  Boy has it seen some major sewing projects!  Quilts, like the one I had, for my kids.  One summer when three step kids were visiting, I sewed matching shorts for all five of them.  They were sort of like Mom's brown plaid deal: there was only so much material to go around, so the pockets were a different fabric, and they were quite colorful!  But the kids loved wearing them.

Barbie outfits, Cabbage Patch clothing, curtains and matching valance, one year I made everyone a quilted bag for Christmas. 

After the move from Ohio to Arizona, I haven't pulled out the old sewing machine ... until last week. With all this COVID stuff, and folks wearing masks, I'm making my own cloth ones.  And after sitting in storage for 15 years, it fired right up and sewed just fine.  

You just can't beat an old Kenmore! 

So I thought it deserved a tribute of it's own. :)

A Mother's Love

My first Mother's Day without my son.

I have never known a depth of pain 

this difficult,

So very hard.

At the same time,

May 10 is the day my stepson died

tragically taken from us all

2008

I know my boys

are together

jamming to some rock music,

the classic rock,

the good music.

Life brings us things beyond our control

and we are left to deal with it

learn from it

and hopefully grow, too.

I love you, 

both of you.

We all miss you very much

Love,

Mom

Meet The Beast

I haven't been writing here as often lately, but with all the COVID news, and the shelter in place, there only seems to be grumblings to write about.  And frankly, I'm kind of tired of hearing all the bad.  I'm looking forward to things opening up again and getting back to whatever is going to be the "new norm".

With everything going on, I opted to order a Bowflex treadmill for home use.  Being what most people would politely say "heavy set", the doctors would call "obese", I went for a well built machine rather than one of those cheaper ones you can get from a dot com website.  Well, she arrived yesterday via a trucking company!   She weighed in at 309 lbs.  That's one helluva heavy box!

Once inside my front door, I was surprised to see just how big it is.  The box was nearly 8 feet long, and 3 feet wide ... in fact, longer than my couch!  There's no way I could move this on my own, that's for sure.  Thank goodness I have tile floor, and the box could slide into a good position.  I opened it up, and took it apart piece by piece.  With all the smaller pieces out, only the base was left.  I sliced the bottom half of the box so I could turn the base on it's side and left it wrapped in its plastic bag so I could slide it into the bedroom I plan to use her in.

This was major, and I did it in smaller portions as I didn't want to hurt myself!  But I gathered up my mojo and tackled assembly.  I watched the official video a couple of times so that I would know the steps, and each step was manageable.  It went together like a dream!  In a couple of hours, she was ready to fire up!

She's solidly built and feels like she's built to last.
Sort of like me.  haha
I walked and played around with settings for about 10 minutes before I crawled into bed, so very tired!  And today, I jumped on it after walking Sadie around the block for another half mile, testing the incline and speed buttons.  The speed is VERY intuitive and when I increase the speed with a touch of my thumb, it gradually increases based on the speed of my steps.  If I set it for 4mph and my steps aren't keeping up, it stays with me at 3.8 until I get into a rhythm.  Or did I imagine this?

I think this is going to work well ..... !

Self Investment

Why is it we're so funny about money??   We may not be funny in the same ways, but money is a source of some strange buggaboos so most of us.

I've been working since I was 16 because I wanted independence and money to spend my own way.  Over the years, when laptop computers first came out, I didn't have qualms about spending $1000 on one I liked ... several different times!  I don't have qualms about spending money on what I would call pricey cameras, either.  If I find one I like, that suits what my need is, I have no problem pushing the "add to cart" button!!!

Last week I got it in my head that maybe I should buy a treadmill.  It gets really hot here during the summer, too hot to do any kind of real walking.  Oh sure, I can saunter around the block while Sadie does her usual sniff n stroll early in the morning before the sun rises.  But even during the hottest part of summer, our 5am temps can be as warm as 90 degrees!   Ugh. 

I looked at several different ones, and contemplated the logistics of a treadmill.  For goodness sakes, I own a 3 bedroom home, I should be able to make room for a treadmill somewhere that I'll use it.  And not the garage, we don't have AC out there! 

But what made it so difficult to push that button, make that purchase??  It took me two days to finally come to the conclusion that a) it's only money and b) I need a place where I can get some exercise in order to maintain my health.   So I finally pushed the "add to cart" button, and am now waiting for it to be delivered.  Yay!

Now I can only hope that it doesn't become
something I just hang sweaters on.
hahaha