Another New Year

Here we are about to move into another New Year.  I don't know about you, but I'm ready to leave 2020 behind!  It's been quite a year - so many changes, so many different rules being put in place to help prevent this pandemic from spreading.  Challenging circumstances can make or break us.  How we deal with those challenges is what helps grow our character, our self worth.  

Each of us deals with each circumstance in different ways.  I know I've had my share of challenges this past year.    A new roof, a new AC unit, my sister died, my dog Sadie died as well.  It's been a challenge to stay upbeat and positive - in fact, some days it's just a challenge to get out of bed and do what needs doing.  But each day, it's what happens, and I'm happy that once I'm up and moving into each day, it feels OK.  I've been hoping for more than that, hoping to feel a bit more happiness.  I know that creating it is my job, what *I* need to do in order to make it happen.  But where does that motivation come from?

I'm finding that using my creativity helps motivate me in the right direction.  Or maybe it's just a better direction.  I'm slowly getting back to doing what I love:  taking photos, working on my scrapbooks and posting family history photos on our family page.   On Christmas Day, I posted an old favorite Christmas photo from our growing up years every hour on the hour - a total of 15 photos.  Each one of them made me smile, and I'm hoping it brought smiles to other members of my family. 

So as we're looking forward to 2021, choose something to bring yourself some joy, choose something that moves you into a more positive direction.   We all have choices, make them good choices for this year.

Bright blessings! 

Merry Christmas Eve

 Here it is, Christmas Eve.  And so many memories came rushing back to me tonight.  Living a full life means that there are *many* memories, but some stand out more than others.  Tonight, it was driving past the Dollar Tree store.  I remember when we had six kids and only one working parent - money was tight, but we still wanted to make Christmas fun for the kids.  They were between 8 and 16 years old, so we decided that we should draw names and then make a family outing to the Dollar Tree.  Everyone was handed their $1 (plus a dime to cover any tax) and had to purchase a gift for the name they drew.  One of the younger boys (Dougie) drew his PawPaw.  He found a toy slot machine because he knew he liked to go to "the boats" to gamble.  We all had a big laugh over that one!  The kids each found a gift for the name they drew, and we all opened them in turn, and it was a big pile of fun.  It wasn't the cost of the gift, or about impressing anyone.  It was the making of a memory that stands out.  And still brings a smile to my face! 

I enjoyed a pizza for dinner tonight, in honor of my son.  It was his favorite meal, and I truly miss him.

Another stand out Christmas for me was the year I was 14 years old.  I *really really really* wanted a 10 speed bike, with racing handle bars.  Mine was orange, and that's what Santa left for me.  It was a truly memorable one!  It was similar to this one!  I had it for years and rode it everywhere, including to and from work in my senior year of high school! 

Sometimes I wonder what memories stand out for my own kids.  Are they the same ones that stand out for me?  Probably not.  One year, my husband bought me a long red dress coat with black suede trim.  I loved it, and wore it until it was worn out! 

In the 90s, I sang in a church choir.  We always did a Christmas celebration with lots of music.  I really enjoyed those times.  But the best memory year after year is being at the Christmas Eve service.  The last song would always be Silent Night.  The lights would go out, and starting with the candles on the altar, everyone would receive a light from the person next to them.  For me, that's the best one.

  

I'm betting that your most precious memories had less to do with pricey gifts than it did with making memories with your loved ones.  Once your loved ones aren't around anymore, those memories become even more precious.

So go out, make memories for yourself, and for your loved ones.

Almost a New Year

 Dear Brian,

It's difficult to think that another round of holidays are upon us.  And to think that I'm going through it without you.  It hurts, but we keep moving forward as best we can.

Another surge of this COVID virus is making the rounds and they're advising that we don't get together with others from outside our own home to keep ourselves safe.  It's making things difficult for some.  I know Grandma misses being able to get together with friends and family, but she's very afraid of being exposed.  I spend about an hour a day on the phone with her, and end up doing a lot of reassuring.  She's surviving though!  

Jake and Haley had baby Josie Lee, and Anthony and Krissy are expecting in May - a girl named Aubree!  It's a growing family, and life moves on.

I painted my bedroom this year, two weeks ago, and happy I got it done early.  I caught a cold, and stayed home from work (SHOCK!!) but I was worried about COVID too. I sat on the couch bingeing on 7th Heaven and taking my temp every hour.  But it seems it's just a cold, and has already gotten better.  Thank goodness. 

I forced myself out to the park behind the library, got a few good shots, but I'm a little out of practice.  It hasn't been easy trying to be .... normal in an abnormal world.  But then, I'm not so normal even on a good day!  

It hasn't been easy going through these days without you.  If you were still here, I'd have no qualms about moving to Calif to take care of mom, and leaving you in the house.  But they were my long term plans, and that hasn't worked out.  I miss you every day, and think of you at least once every day.  When you were 16, you told me you'd live with me forever -- and we both laughed!  But now ... how I wish!  Things will never be the same, never feel normal for me.  I'm trying to follow your wishes and be happy, but it's hard to be happy when one loses a child.    I'll always love you

Missing you every day,

Love, Mom

Hooked on Holidays

Today, with the Christmas Holiday fast approaching, I've been overcome with odd emotions and the desire to do things that are a bit out of the norm for me.  I pulled up some old fav Christian mp3's on the computer and have them running.  I'm in a mood to have the house cleaned and presentable for ... what? Because I'm single, and with COVID running rampant, no one can visit.  So what's the deal?  

Sometimes I can't figure it out, but perhaps it's an emotional connection that's needed, or I'm craving. The word that comes to mind in all of this is "grace".   Not the kind of grace that has to do with how I'm walking across a room, or some kind of courteous goodwill (a Google definition), but more about the grace of God.  I'm not a very religious person, I consider myself more of a spiritual person.  But I was raised in the Lutheran Church, and those roots run deep.   As an adult, I joined an Assembly of God church (over 3000 members) and sang in the choir.  And I really enjoyed that a lot.  Maybe that's the connection that's missing.  

This has been a difficult year for so many, many people and it doesn't seem like it's going to let up any time soon.  So do what you can, do whatever makes you happy, whatever brings you joy.  Because I've worked retail for 20 years, it's become a rough holiday for me; some years, I don't even bother with a tree.  But this year, I put up my tree on Thanksgiving weekend.  And it makes me smile every time I come home from work and flick on the lights.  I also choose music that makes me smiles - or better yet, to sing along!! 

As we celebrate the season, let us open our hearts for the joy that characterizes the season.  

Tell your family you love them.  

And smile more (behind your masks!)

Finding Focus

I have always liked reading and writing.  When I was in the second grade I wrote an "Ode to Morning" that described how I heard my father's car driving off to work each morning as "the roar of the Rambler..".  We all chuckle each time we read it.  That was the beginning, but as I reflect back over the years, I regret that I didn't do more with my writing.  But that's water under the bridge .... 

I used to think that Sadie was holding me back from some of the things I used to do more of ... working on my computer with photos, writing, and family tree research.  It's been a few weeks and I'm still trying to find my equilibrium.  My days were structured with Sadie, with no room for anything else.  Now I come home from work and there's .... nothing.  From the time I moved out from my parents' house, it was into an apartment with my husband.  Then kids came, and a different husband, step kids, and animals.  I didn't want a dog, but once I got Sadie, she was my sidekick!  So now, this is the first time I've been alone.  No kids, no pets, just an empty house.  I hope this is an interim, and that I'll get back to doing my own things again. 

When I had a day off last Saturday, I just couldn't seem to get motivated to do anything.  I have put a temporary hold on prepping things for a move should it be needed, and working holidays in retail puts me in a cranky mood most days.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about doing nothing but sometimes I do. 

I guess it's time for more lists:  things I should do, things I want to do and things I need to do.  Somewhere in these lists of things is going to be more writing.   Maybe that will help me be more focused on my days off. 

It worked in the past!!