A Good Day

My day off, usually it's spent doing chores and running errands. Today wasn't much different.  Maybe it's in the attitude.  I woke up and just chose - decided -- it was going to be a day for getting things done. My TO DO list went something like this:  Get groceries, take out garbage, clean up kitchen, get gas in the car and drive through the car wash, dash to mom's and take *her* grocery shopping.  She always likes to stop and get a hamburger!  (Thanks, Jack!) Then we relax and watch ""her show"" (The Bold and the Beautiful - Evil Sheila fell off a balcony, jumped in a car and escaped!! *gasp*)  

Then it was home to put my chicken in a pan and bake it, throw my sheets in the washer and dryer and re-make the bed.  Then Mom called and said her perm was delivered (Walmart.com order!) but it was damaged.  Nope, not ordering another one.  I checked online, said there was one over at Walgreen's, so I hopped in the car and dashed over and got one for her.  I'll drop it off tomorrow after work :)

I didn't think I'd have a very good day because I didn't sleep well, or very much.  For some reason, I had dreams of airports and airplanes often.  That being said, I checked Google:  "The airplane, as a transportation symbol, signifies motivation and direction  Its association with flying can represent aspirations or your ability to soar.  You usually dream of trying to catch a plane when you are making changes to your aspirations."  That being said, I'm not sure what my current aspirations are.  Work is just very busy in the days of preparation for inventory.  When I was shopping today, some of my coworkers were whispering to me that there are changes coming, that one of the gals on my team was going to transfer.  Frankly, I have been expecting it for some time.  She's over the usual retirement age ..... so we shall see what comes of it this time :)

And now, nearly 4pm, and I'm ready for a shower and to crawl into those clean sheets.  

I like having good days!  I bet you do too !!

So Tired!

What's your go-to when you have a bad day?   I know that when I'm frustrated and/or angry, I tend to buckle myself down and use those feelings to get things accomplished.  Today, I finished up my work and left early.  That felt really good!   I bought a salad mix, some popcorn chicken and grabbed two donuts on the way out the door.  Took them over to Mom's house to have lunch and dessert!  Salad and chicken tasted good ..... but the donut tasted better!  I was a filled donut with chocolate icing.  Yep, way too many calories, but yummy just the same! 

There will be a huge surge of work time for me the next 8 days.  That means my one day off will be spent cleaning, laundering and grocery shopping along with gassing up the Cruzer and hopefully driving it through a car wash!  This has been the coolest, wettest winter I've had here in the Valley of the Sun.  And frankly, I'm hoping this means a cooler summer as well, but that remains to be seen

A year ago I had my palm tree cut down in my backyard and I have yet to find what I want to do with that space.  I will continue looking at xeriscape ideas as I don't want to have a lot of plants that require water and maintenance.  I thought about some kind of ..... metal sculpted plant? Or maybe some kind of pattern with the rocks.   I'll know the right thing when I see it!

Rambling and ranting over - time for some sleep!  *yawn*

I Hate Having Bad Days

 Dear BigBoxStore Management:

With the changes you made two years ago in restructuring the folks who work on the floor, you didn't do them, or yourselves, any big favors.  In fact, let me point out some of the things this has created.  

One:  Because there isn't any real "ownership" in having their own department, you've gotten away from the "store within a store" concept.  Now you just have bodies doing tasks with no real interest in doing better, doing a great job, creating excitement over sales.  Every day is like another in the tasks that they run.  Department Leads have become lazy - they depend on a system to pick items out of the back room to stock to the floor. But it only picks items that are stocked in an aisle.  What about filling features?   If a store is sent a Qty of 100 of the same item, and only 50 will fit out on the selected sales floor position, and the rest are put in a back room bin, who is supposed to pick those items and fill those features?   I'll tell you who -- NO ONE.  The item sits until it goes to clearance, and the *minute* it goes clearance, the item is pulled and sent to the back room to process into your clearance location.  However, what doesn't seem to happen is no one is communicating about the amount of stuff that is accumulating , waiting to go to the clearance location.  

And yes, in case it isn't clear, the person doing all of the clearance location stuff is me.  And today, they totally knocked me down and ran me over with the amount of stuff.   By the end of the day, I was tired and crabby, combative even.  There are a set of "rules" for how things are to be placed in that clearance location (not MY rules, BigBoxStore rules) , but one manager seems to think the rules don't apply to him.  I told him in very clear terms that next time he doesn't follow the rules, I will pull the items and return them to him.  What I really wanted to say was "I'm going to pull the items off the shelves and shove them up his ass" just to get his attention because this is not my first run-in with him on the rules of clearance. 

I was finally able to wind it down, remembering that old kids book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".   Yep That's what I had.  Sorry.  Rant Over.

But seriously, the changes that employers are making to how things operate because of the new generation of workers who have no work ethic and want big bucks for a routine job with no thinking required means that we have a whole generation of laziness and I know for a fact that I don't want to be around 10 years from now.  Or even 5 years from now.  In fact, retirement at 65 sounds awesome to me!  Even if I do nothing but take walks and read books every day!  But I'm sad for the whole retail industry and what's coming next.  When I started 20 years ago, even though every BigBoxStore sold the same basic stuff, every store appeared to be different because we had the ability to manage and showcase our department items in fun, creative ways.  Now?  Every store is the same, no one can order in something special, every display is built identical because that's how the directive is given.  It's no longer fun to go over to the next store over and see how *they* are doing things.  It's all the same. Each and every store.  I used to take vacations and no matter what city I was in, I had to stop in to the local BigBoxStore to look around.  My son and I did that so often!!! 

Man.  I miss the old days.  And that wasn't that long ago.

CEO?  I'm calling you out.  It just isn't the same any longer.  And eventually you will pay the price, reap what you've sown.  I'm glad I sold my stock already. 

Insta-Reels

I've been watching Instagram reels lately, no idea why I'm so hooked on them.  Maybe it's because what I consider to be the really good ones has to do with the music being what some consider oldies.  For me, it seems like yesterday.  lol  

But then there are other reels that ... well, I'm not sure how the Instagram/Meta stuff decides which ones to show you, perhaps based on your 'likes', but sometimes it seems more random.  But I've noticed the ones done by men who tell women what the signs might be if "he's not that into you".  Or how to judge if he's a good man or not.  And that got me thinking about relationships in general, and my own marriages in specific.  

Yes, I've been married three times.  Not something I'm proud of in any way.  But the one thing that never happened for me was cheating when the marriage wasn't working out.  Despite there being problems, I know that you can't solve anything by replacing one with another.  Yes, during my single phases, I dated a few men who turned out to be married.  Sadly, they weren't up front about it, so I knew that they wouldn't make a good partner in a relationship.   When I found out my third husband was having an affair, and we went to counseling, even the counselor told him he needed to commit to making the marriage work and breaking it off with the GF.  He refused, so we knew that wasn't going to fix things.  But even within that parameter of pain I was experiencing, finding another man to fill some kind of void wasn't the answer for me.  

It's taken me a lot of years and hard work of the self help kind to be at a place where I like me, I like being with me, and I don't *need* a man to make me feel complete.  Knowing all these things puts me in a place where finding a man would mean finding the *right* man.  It hasn't happened, but that's OK too.  Some days I actually think that having to "take care of" another person isn't on my to-do list.  If a good man, who wanted to act like a partner, came along, then fine.  But if not, no thanks.  I've had my share of needy men, thank you very much.  

I still haven't shaken the Instagram reels habit, but I know that I need to.  It's funny how what you listen to, what you allow into your mind, shapes what you think or how you feel. And I just need to feel the real me, and ignore the rest of the noise! 

Make My Day

For me, a good day is one with measurable accomplishments.  Today was one of those days!

When it comes to taking care of Mom, I have to do a wide range of things.  Once she moved in her home, the garage has no storage.  So we bought a trio of cabinets from Walmart and we have been working little by little to get them built.  About a week ago, we had the basic assembled and only needed to hang the doors.  I tried my best, but it must have been an off day for me, nothing seemed to fit!  

Today, with a bright idea to have some boards on hand to help hold up the door, everything just clicked into place, so now the doors are hung!  

We celebrated this major accomplishment with lasagna for dinner, and a mini magnum ice cream bar for dessert!

Whatever it is about completing a project, having an accomplishment just makes my day!

Unrealized Expectations

I was thinking today about expectations, how what we might expect because of something we've conjured up in our own mind becomes something totally different in reality.  I've recently come to some personal insight about me, my mom, and my own expectations.  Like the vision I had of my mom coming to stay with me.  I'd work all day, come home and then we'd take a long walk around the block each evening before dinner.  Yeah, that didn't happen. And I often wondered why?   I attempted it once the first week she was here.  But she never wanted to go again.  Did I do something or say something, or could she sense some expectation I had?  

And a moment of clarity happened as I was reading a story during my lunch hour today.  It's about a woman who grew up without a dad, with an alcoholic mom who emotionally and physically abused her.  When the physical abuse was obvious, the cops were called in and she went to live with her aunt and uncle.  They didn't have children of their own, and told her over and over again that she had to follow the rules or she couldn't stay with them.  They were always concerned about how things looked from the outside, rather than how things actually were.  In her adult life, this woman had children and was so busy enforcing rules that she wasn't enjoying life with her husband or her daughters.  But there's a parallel there with my mom that I can sense. 

I know mom was raised by a strict stepmom, and there were rules and chores and very little mothering.  My mom was the same way about appearances, how things looked to the outside world.  Her yard was always meticulous; she had a gardener once a week, but still she went out and raked up every leaf that had fallen each day.  Yes. Every day she raked leaves.  Her home was the same way, always dusted, vacuumed, cleaned up.  Not just the neat and tidy, it was immaculately clean.  Heaven help us if company was coming over --- the entire house was cleaned all over again!  That was my upbringing.  And yet, I didn't ascribe to her way of thinking that things had to "look good" for friends and neighbors.  I always lived by the credo that my house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy.  

So back to having mom live with me.  My own expectations built up scenarios that we would be like friends and do things.  But the reality is that neither of us was willing to be like the other.  We tolerated things well enough.  And we could watch shows and chit chat.  But we didn't like the same TV either.  Nor were we on the same kind of schedule.  It's kind of a funny thought that after living with her for the first 18 years of my life, then being away, I didn't realize that living together again would be entirely different.  Mostly because I changed.  She hasn't changed much at all.  Her new house is immaculate.  She is outside every day making her yard meticulous, pulling one weed at a time.  She's 84, so it isn't going to change.   I just have made my peace with it.

Don't let your expectations build up into something that isn't realistic.  Be willing to compromise, but always be yourself.  

Thoughts on Chaos, Politeness and Money

When life becomes chaotic, I've noticed that I tend to tune in to familiar TV.  Lately, (read in the past week...) I've watched That Thing You Do and Pretty Woman several times each!  It made me wonder what's up with that?  Why the oldies?  They're from the 90s, which to me feels like it was just around the last corner, but when I think about it honestly, it was 30 years ago.  Where does the time go?

What makes these so comforting?  Neither of the movies would be called epic, and they're not overly deep in their story lines.  Part of the appeal, for me, is that they aren't any of those things.  The premise of both movies is rather simple, there's good music, people smiling.  That may be the draw for me.  

And when has being polite dropped from society?  There was an arrangement in place for a weekly family dinner, rotating from house to house to keep us all in touch.  It was decided that Tuesday was the day, meals are simple, just time to be together.  But we don't do the together stuff very well.  When someone can't make it, or made other plans, isn't the polite thing to do would be to notify the rest of the fam?   I'm busy, I work, and when fam shows up 2 hours after I show up, well, frankly, I just want to head home and be by myself.  

Then, what is it about money that makes people so funny?  Not haha, but weird.  Sometimes my mom sends a text to her son, and there's a time lag before she gets an answer back, sometimes its more like days.  But transfer some money from checking to savings, and there's a phone call within 4 hours asking what's going on ?   Granted, Mom is 84, and someone should be watching her money so she doesn't get scammed.  But could this be a case of actions speaking louder than words?  It's just one of those little things that really get to me.  

Lately the little aggravations are really getting to me. Anyone got an old classic movie for me to watch???  I could use some Father Goose or Pillow Talk, even!  Great classics.  What's your fav?

Grand Old Movies

Sometimes life is just crazy .... HULU has two fav movies playing now:  That Thing You Do and Pretty Woman.  So, I'm watching Pretty Woman for the second time in 3 days, and I watched That Thing You Do five times in the past week, twice on Saturday!  

So what does that say about me? Am I nuts?

I contemplated all day about why the draw to old movies.  Do they remind me of better times? Different times? Happier times?  or maybe just something familiar?

Some movies have the ability to draw you in and adds something to how you're feeling.  I get the Pretty Woman thing - it's the perpetual Cinderella story.  No matter how you wrap the overall ideal, having the girl meet her prince charming, it's a timeless story, full of ideals.  For some of us who never got the Prince Charming, we all relate to the wishful thinking that it could happen!  As little girls, we were told it was possible.  But I have to admit, it was a wonderful dream, but never happened for me.

As for That Thing You Do ... maybe that's part of the young girl dreams as well.  A little bit of luck and the possibilities are endless for this little band with a hit record.  I also like that it's set in the 1950s, and era that to me symbolizes the American Dream, the one where if you work hard, you too can be a success!  Of course, in my opinion, the music is pretty good too! 

I don't feel guilty about indulging in these movies, and maybe it's my way of escapism from the issues that crop up trying to take care of Mom.  I moved away from family because I was tired of being the caretaker, and yet here I am again.  

Oh, here come's the good part .... Edward is going to hire Vivian for the week.  It only gets better from here!   Thank goodness for grand old movies!!  Enjoy!

Life's Purpose

Life's purpose.  As far back as high school, I can remember being concerned about where my life would lead - what would my job or career be? Would I get married? have kids?   This is the beginning of our self discovery for our purpose in life.   As I look back, I realize that while we may do some preliminary discovery, our purpose may change with each decision we make.   Some people are lucky and just seem to know what their purpose in life will be.  My sister, for example, knew from an early age that she wanted to be a teacher.  Me?  I knew I didn't have it in me to do that!  Where she was outgoing and liked people, I preferred no people.  

But we graduate high school; some move on to university, and some to junior college, and some straight into the work force.  Some made their choices based on a relationship that was currently ongoing.  I tried the junior college route, preferring to go to night school while working a full time job.  And yes, a part of that choice was made because of a relationship at the time.  (Isn't it funny that we look back and wonder "WTF was I thinking???" )

Marriage.  Children.  Your purpose changes again.  You're working as opposed to having a real career.  Your purpose revolves around raising children.  You're left with decisions about how you want your children to be raised, with what values.  Once children are grown, your purpose may change yet again. Perhaps you're caring for aging parents, or about to enter that phase.  

We're always having to rethink our purpose, why we do what we do.  

I'm at another stage of that process.  I spent many years working and preparing a path to make my son's life just a little bit easier.  It was my goal to buy a house, and have it paid off, so his life wouldn't be such a struggle when it was my time to leave this earth.  But his suicide changed all that, and now? What's my purpose?  

I go to my job, because it's expected.  And I'm taking care of my Mom now, because it's expected.  But what is my reason for doing what I'm doing now?  I find these thoughts troubling at times.  Expectations we had when we were younger and still learning sometimes fall short of the reality once we get there.  I remember being young, elementary school, and they talked often about the "Golden Years".  That was back when Dad's worked at a job where there was a pension, and you retired at the golden age of 65 and then spent your days being a little more care free, less stressed.  But the world has changed so much since then.  Instead of a pension, you find yourself putting your own funds into a 401k or something similar to save money for your retirement.  Only retirement gets pushed further and further away.  Instead of 65, it's 66, 67 or 68.  And even then, if you haven't done some due diligence in saving for your future, you end up working all of your days.. I work with several people who are in their 70s and having to work because they can't afford to life on just their social security. 

So why am I rambling about all this??  Some days I feel like I'm ready to retire, to take my money and run.  But then I take a day or two off and wonder what the hell would I do with myself all day if I didn't go to work every day?  Because working every day is a way of life for me. It's what I do, have always done.  

Think hard about your life's purpose.  Make a plan.  You can always change it, but having a direction makes the road a lot easier.