Losses are never easy. When someone we love dies, a piece of our heart seems to die as well.
My sister has been battling pancreatic cancer for three years now; there were ups and downs, good times and bad. When first diagnosed, her prognosis was for six to eight months. Being able to have three years has been amazing. She has taken some wonderful trips, and she was there for the first three years of her grandson's life.
The last time we spent time together was my son's memorial service. I didn't know when I saw her a year ago that it would be the last time we would spend time together.
But at the same time, I started pondering our childhood. I remember as kids in the summer we would play "school". She always wanted to be the teacher, and I was always more concerned with making sure the drawers were stocked with pencil and paper, that the desks were lined up in straight rows. She was always the big achiever in the family; she knew she wanted to be a teacher from the time she was a little girl. Which brought me to thinking about my own goals.
In high school, I always knew I was good at the details that get handled in the background. I had planned on junior college then San Jose State Univ. But I got derailed by a boy. And then when I got pregnant and found out my baby girl was hearing impaired, my goals changed. I didn't need a career that would move me up some kind of success ladder. What I needed most was a stable job with stable hours that could get me to move through the challenges I was facing. And then a second child, my son was visually impaired.
There were times over the years when I found myself wondering .... or maybe it was comparing ... my own life against my sister.
In the end, my life was made up of choices made with the information I had at that moment; I raised good kids, and we had some happy times, and have wonderful memories.
I'm sad about my sister. Hospice has been arranged and she's on some heavy meds. It will be very hard on my mom.
Life and losses are never easy.
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