Happy Angelversary

Dear Brian,

It's been one year since the day that changed all the rest of my days. 

I live each day in a sort of suspended animation mode:  I go through the motions, but expect that at any moment you'll come through the door and surprise me.  In my mind, I know that's not possible, by my heart still believes. 

It's still "Brian's room, Brian's bathroom, Brian's garage" and I don't suppose that will ever change.  I'm sure that some people would say that I need to move on, change things up, or something like that.  But your guitars hang right there, your wallet and pocket knife are in the top drawer as if you're just gone on a trip.  There may come a day ... and maybe not, and Tanya will have to deal with whatever is still here. 

I've pondered over and over the why's and what if's.  I know I can't change it.  But it hurts like hell to think that I couldn't have done something differently, said something.  If only ....

I always thought that I was a strong person, always believed there was a "circle of life" and that everything dies at some point.  But to lose you, my son, has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  What makes it seem worse is that it doesn't go away, and you don't just "get over it".  I carry this with me every single day.

I know that I'm just passing time now, going through the motions without the same purpose.  I always had the goal in mind of making sure that I get things set up in such a way that you'd be taken care of after I was gone.  Now it doesn't have the same meaning for me. 

Probably the hardest thing to bear in all of this is that I never get to talk about you with anyone else.  Grandma has her own challenges at the moment; T has her own life and is living it.  So that's why I have this blog -- a place to write to you, to let all the feelings come out when they need to, a place where I can say things that no one else wants to hear.  It's also why I created that memorial .... so that I could post every single photo I ever took of you, tell all your little stories.

Because your life mattered.
And you should NEVER be forgotten.

Happy Angelversary!

I love you. Always.
mom